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Script


[Cute guys walk by the table. Caitlin greets every one.]
Caitlin: "Hi! What's your name?" [That boy moves past, and a new one comes by.] "Hi!" [He moves on.] "I can't get one cute guy to notice me lately."
Nikki: "Maybe you need to do more than bat your eyelashes."
Caitlin: "Batting my eyelashes is what I do! It's my thing!"
Jen: "Nikki just means that maybe you need to join a club. Get some new interests. Expand your horizons."
Caitlin: "You're totally right, Jen! I've been meaning to try this new expanding mascara for weeks!"
[Tricia comes up to them, carrying a dog dressed in a shirt identical to hers.]
Tricia: "You guys look productive. As usual." [She laughs, and her dog yips.]
Jen: [annoyed] "Is it possible to get that thing to make a less irritating sound?"
Nikki: "Like dog, like master."
Tricia: "I think my precious Twinklebell sounds like an angel." [Twinklebell licks Tricia's lips.]
Jen: "Ew. Is that hygenic?"
Caitlin: "Tricia, I love it! Where did you get that cute little doggie?" [She takes it and pets it. The dog whines happily.] "So cute! Aw, you're so adorable!"
Dyson: [walking up] "Cute dog. Is he yours?"
Caitlin: "Yep." [Tricia gasps.]
Dyson: "Has he had all his shots? He looks a little thin. A fresh egg in his food promotes a shiny coat."
Tricia: "Twinklebell is mine and she's on the same diet as me and I have a perfectly shiny coat!" [She leaves.]
Dyson: "It makes me so mad when people treat their pets as possessions!"
Caitlin: "Dogs are people too!"
Dyson: "Hi. I'm Dyson." [He shakes hands with Caitlin.]
Caitlin: "Caitlin."
Dyson: "I've gotta get to my animal rights meeting, but...I'll catch you later?"
Caitlin: "Okay." [Dyson leaves, and she sighs.] "Dyson's dreamy. We have so much in common."
Nikki: "Okay, name one thing."
Caitlin: "I'm a total crusader for animal rights, Nikki. I only wear fake fur." [Darth walks by eating a kebab.] "That better be organic beef, buddy!"
Nikki: "Ugh, it's going to be a long day."


The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
All Pets Are Off

[Jude is flipping a coin as he walks up to the table where his female friends are sitting.]
Jude: "Haha! Check it out, dudettes, look what I found." [sitting down] "A shiny quarter, all the way from 1934. Pretty sure it's made of–" [biting on it] "–ah-ow! Hard metal."
Nikki: "I think it's a silver dollar, Jude."
Jude: "Sweet! I'm gonna take it to a collector's shop and cash it in for muchos dollaros."
Caitlin: "You should donate the money to help animals in need."
Jude: "But I'm a broke Jude. In need."
Nikki: "Caitlin's on a save-the-animals kick."
Jonesy: "Did I just hear someone say they're in the market for a cheap pet?"
Caitlin: "You can't put a price on a living creature, Jonesy!"
Jonesy: "Sure I can! 3.99! Just got a job at Pets and the City, and they've got me working in the discount pet section, or as I like to call it, All Pets Are Off."
Jude: "Hey, what can I get for a rare silver dollar?" [He drops the coin, and it bounces away.] "AAAH! MY COINAGE! Rare silver dollar coming through!" [He races after his money.]
Wyatt: [arriving on the scene] "Anybody want to see that new movie Penguin Force? Heard it's awesome."
Jen: "Sorry, Wyatt, but I've already seen it."
Nikki: "Yeah, ditto over here."
Caitlin: "Me three."
Jonesy: "I can confirm. Killer flick."
Wyatt: "You all saw it? And no one invited me?"
Caitlin: "Last night."
Jen: "Out with my cousin."
Jonesy: "What can I tell you?"
Nikki: "Free pass."
Wyatt: "Fine. I'll go alone."
[The other four gasp.]
Jonesy: "You can't go to the movies alone!"
Jen: "Total social suicide."
Wyatt: "What're you talking about? People go to movies alone all the time."
Caitlin: "I guess. But I'm not friends with any of those people."
Wyatt: "Now you are." [He leaves.]
Jonesy: [getting up] "I gotta get back to work." [He leaves. Caitlin chases after him.] "Do you need something?"
Caitlin: "I'm coming to check out the animal care facilities."
Jonesy: "When did you become the Humane Society?"
Caitlin: [pushing him] "We can do this the easy way or the hard way."
Nikki: "Wanna check it out?"
Jen: "We're only thinking of the animals."
[Nikki and Jen follow in the footsteps of Caitlin and Jonesy.]


[Jude skates through the mall, eliciting angry cries from shoppers.]
Jude: "Look out! Excuse me! Coming through!" [He bumps into Ron.]
Ron: "No high-speed maneuvering in my mall!"
[Ron chases Jude, who barely escapes into a closing elevator. Ron slams into the door facefirst.]
Ron: [sitting up] "You may have escaped this time, adolescent scum!!! BUT I'LL GET YOU!!!"


[The girls walk into the store after Jonesy.]
Caitlin: [by a bunny hutch] "You were right, Jonesy. These animals are well taken care of. They look so cute and happy!"
Jonesy: "Not those. Discount pets are over there." [He gestures to a shoddier section of the store.] "Need a budgie on a budget and don't mind if the chirp sounds more like a burp?" [The budgie burps.] "Then All Pets Are Off is the place for you!"
Caitlin: [looking at some furless rabbits] "Poor things! I have to save them!"
Jonesy: [as a horrible meowing starts] "Uh-oh. We woke the kittens. Don't worry, they don't bite. Much."


[Wyatt walks by the movie theater.]
Wyatt: "Human cashiers are for suckers. Welcome to the twenty-first century. With Mr. Movie, I can get my tickets and snacks in record time." [getting in line] "Hi-fives for me!"
Old Man: [at the front of the line] "Card won't fit in the slot. Dang robot cashier!"
Escalator Girl: "Here, let me try." [She pushes the card in.] "Do you want golden topping on your popcorn?"
Old Man: "Is the popcorn fresh?" [The girl shrugs, and he turns to the machine.] "Excuse me! Is the popcorn fresh?"
Wyatt: [worried] "The movie starts in twenty minutes and I don't want to miss the trailers."
Jock: "Do they still have that awesome popcorn and jujubes combo meal?"
Fine Girl: "You remembered I love jujubes! You're sweeter than candy." [The two begin kissing.]
Wyatt: "And everyone worried I'd be alone. I wish!"


[A silver dollar is lying on the floor of the escalator. Jude picks it up and shows it to a man he's sharing the escalator with.]
Jude: "Take a gander at this baby. Dude, were you even alive when this coin was made?"
Conway: "I'm seventy-four."
Jude: "Don't look a day over eighty, bro." [The man looks insulted.] "I'm gonna need that back now." [Conway flips the coin just as the elevator doors open.] "NAH! MY COIN!" [The chase is on once again.] "WEE-YOO WEE-YOO WEE-YOO! Major coin emergency!" [The coin bounces into a vent.] "Alright, my silver dollar friend. You're not getting away this time." [He takes the lid off the vent and looks in.] "It's okay, little buddy. Don't be scared." [He crawls into the vent and spots his dollar.] "There you are! Come to papa...gotcha! Thought you could get away from me? Not so easy, huh?" [Stanley, outside the vent, shoots three tennis balls inside.] "AAAHHH!" [Stanley puts the cover back on the vent, trapping Jude inside, and laughs.] "Hmm. Can't reverse, guess I better find another way out."


[Jonesy reaches into a cage and brings out an animal covered in brown fur.]
Jonesy: "This sweet little dog has Caitlin written all over it." [He hands the animal to Caitlin.]
Jen: "Okay, um, that's not a dog. That's a ferret."
Caitlin: "Wait. Aren't ferrets mean?"
Nikki: "Oh, so we're only saving the kind animals today?"
Jonesy: "You're crazy! It's not a ferret! Look, it's got four paws, and a, uh, nose–it's totally a dog!"
Nikki: "Okay, smartypants, what kind of dog is it then?"
Jonesy: "What you've got here is a cocktail wiener dog."
Caitlin: "Aw, I'll take it! I mean, I want to save Muffin!"
Jen: "Muffin?"
Caitlin: "I better get a purse for Muffin!"
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Yay, so it has somewhere to put his wallet!" [She, Jonesy, and Jen laugh.]
Caitlin: "It shouldn't have to walk! Poor thing's been through enough." [baby talking] "Haven't you, Muffin, oh, smesmesme?" [Nikki rolls her eyes.]


[Jude is still crawling through the vents.]
Jude: "Wonder how I'm gonna find my way out of here?"
[Stanley crawls by at a vent intersection.]
Stanley: "Hey loser, have you seen my ball?"
Jude: "Sorry, little dude, only found my shiny ducket." [Stanley blows him a raspberry and moves on.] "Do you know how I can get outta here?"


[Muffin is wearing an indigo coat and sitting by a similarly-colored purse.]
Caitlin: "Indigo is the hot new color for fall. Isn't Muffin the most adorable little–uh–hey, I wonder what sex Muffin is? How do you tell the sex of a purse dog?"
Nikki: "By the color of its cashmere." [Jen laughs.]
Jen: [covering her mouth] "Sorry."
Caitlin: "Muffin picked out this cardigan to go with the new do. It's fate that me and my dog have the exact same taste."
Nikki: "Yeah, uh, hate to burst your bubble, but that's a ferret."
Caitlin: "Purse dog!"
Cute Boy: "What a cute little fella." [He moves to pet Muffin, and Muffin growls at him.]
Caitlin: "Muffin has very discerning taste. Time for a walk!" [Muffin escapes.] "Bad Muffin! Wait for me!"
Nikki: [watching them go] "Aw, poor thing needs saving from Caitlin."
Jen: "Yeah, we better go help her catch it."


[Wyatt is in line behind the same batch of people as before.]
Old Man: "This machine won't take my card! Maybe the movies are free."
Fine Girl: "I love Customer Appreciation Day!"
Wyatt: "You're not doing it right! Here, let me." [He inserts the man's card.] "Now enter your secret pin." [The man looks at him snarkily.] "I'm not looking!"
Old Man: "Wh-wh-wh-what was that dang code again? I think it starts with a seven."
[Wyatt looks at the time as the man slowly presses in numbers.]
Wyatt: "Can't you type any faster, sir? My movie starts in ten minutes."
Old Man: "Now look what you've done! I'll have to start over again!"
Wyatt: [sighing] "I'm gonna wait till the next show. Oh, and the popcorn smells so good!"
Jude: [from the sky] "You should use the cheddar flavor powder on your popcorn. Takes it to a whole 'nother level of tasty."
Wyatt: [confused] "Jude?" [The senior citizen he was helping taps him on the shoulder.]
Old Man: "Does the orange drink have pulp?"
Wyatt: "How should I know? I don't work here!"
Old Man: "Pulp gives me terrible gas."
Wyatt: [frustrated] "There's no pulp in the orange drink! It's fine, totally gas-free!"
Escalator Girl: "Ooh, somebody woke up on the impatient side of the bed this morning."
[Wyatt groans.]


[Jude is still trapped in the vent systems. His stomach rumbles.]
Jude: "So hungry! I can smell the movie popcorn from here!" [A light shines on him from down the vent.] "Saved at last!"
Mall Technician: "I only adjust the mall temperature. But I'll log it into my report."
Jude: "Thanks, bro! Huh. Lots of vent traffic today."


[Muffin leaps onto a bench. A child offers the ferret some ice cream, and Muffin eats the entire thing. The little girl begins to cry, and the girls, who are chasing Muffin, hear her wails.]
Nikki: "Looks like Muffin ate the kid's ice cream." [Caitlin sighs.]
Jude: [from the sky] "Rocky Road's my fave."
Jen: [confused] "Jude?"
Jude: "Hey, bra."
Jen: "Where are you?"
Jude: "Just hangin' in the air vent." [chuckling] "I'm lost."
Nikki: "Uh, which vent are you in?"
Jude: "Uh, the...square one?"
Nikki: "That helps Jude, thanks."
Jen: "Don't worry! We'll get help."
[The mother and her crying child walk by. Dyson comes up to the three girls.]
Dyson: "I just saw a purple ferret."
Caitlin: "Purse dog!" [softening the blow] "But, why don't you give me your number, and we can chat about it?" [Her friends drag her away.] "Call me!" [Dyson scratches his head, confused.]


[The old man has taken to hitting the machine with his cane. Wyatt sighs and then notices something.]
Wyatt: "No way!" [There is another machine with an empty line.] "Yes!"
[Wyatt races for the empty machine as the one he was waiting for starts smoking.]
Old Man: "Darn machine's broken!"
[Wyatt is about to insert his card when the rest of the line catches up to him.]
Wyatt: "Huh? Sorry, no can do. No cutsies!"
Old Man: [depressed] "Guess this automated world's just not made for old people."
Wyatt: [annoyed] "All right. You can cut."
[The four cut in front of him, and a fed-up Wyatt heads to the back of the line.]


[The girls walk through the mall looking for Muffin.]
Nikki: "Here ferret ferret!"
Caitlin: "Purse dog."
Jen: "Here Jude Jude."
[Caitlin and Nikki bump into Ron.]
Ron: "What's going on here? You're up to no good, aren't you. I can smell it on you like gasoline."
Caitlin: "It's Jude. He's lost in the air vents and we need to rescue him!"
Ron: "No can do. Reached the limit on my rescue budget. No more rescues for the remainder of the calendar year."
Jen: "So it's up to us to find Jude and the ferret." [Caitlin looks at her angrily.] "I mean, purse dog."
Kirsten: [offscreen] "EEE, a rat! Oh, it's purple!"
Caitlin: "Kirsten found Muffin!" [They head towards the Khaki Barn.]
Ron: [to himself] "Rat infestation, huh? Luckily there's plenty in the budget for pest control."


[Ron is suited up in S.W.A.T. gear. He snaps his fingers, and two exterminators leap to his side.]
Ron: [lowering his plexiglass facemask] "It's extermination time."


[The Clones are crouched on the counter screaming.]
Nikki: [covering her ears] "Ugh, stop screaming, I beg you!"
Kirsten: "We totally saw a purple rat! Or was it more of a deep eggplant? It had a definite brown undertone–okay, let's agree on mauve for the rat."
Caitlin: "It's a purse dog! And it's indigo."
Jen: "Actually, it's a ferret."
Jude: [from the sky] "Thought it was a cocktail weiner dog."
Kirsten: "Did anyone else hear that?" [Kristen and Chrissy nod.] "It must be–oh, I think it's God." [praying] "Hi God. It's me, Kirsten. Can I please have a scooter? In teal?" [The Clones applaud this choice.]
Nikki: "Sorry to bust up the congregation, but it's only Jude."
Kirsten: "Jude is God? No way!"
Jen: "Maybe the purple rat–I mean ferret–I mean purse dog–is trying to find its way home."
Caitlin: "To the pet store!"
[The girls run out of the store. Suddenly, Ron and his exterminators drop in.]
The Clones: "EEEEEEKK!"
Ron: "Which way did the rat go?" [The Clones point.] "It's up to us now, troops. Let's move out!" [running out of the store] "Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, etcetera!"


[The meowing is driving Jonesy insane, so much so that he jumps when Caitlin taps him on the shoulder.]
Caitlin: "Hey. Did Muffin come back into the store?"
Jonesy: [slinging cat food] "No. Have you already lost your fer–uh, dog?"
Woman: "AAAAAEEEE!"
Jen: "There it goes!" [She and her friends chase after Muffin.]
Nikki: "Follow that ferret!"
Jonesy: [fed up] "Aw, just take it all!" [He throws the bag into the cats' cage, and they tear it to shreds.]
Jen: "Make way."
Nikki: "Coming through."
Caitlin: "Make way."
Jen: "There it goes!"
[Everyone screams as the ferret heads their way, including all in line for tickets except Wyatt. Those in the movie line vacate it, leaving Wyatt a clear shot at the ticket box.]
Nikki: "Wyatt. What're you doing here? I thought you were seeing Penguin Force."
Wyatt: "I wish. I've been too busy helping people buy tickets!"
Ticket Seller: "AAAAAHHH!"
Caitlin: "Aw, Muffin wants to see the movie too! Isn't that adorable?"
Nikki: "Priceless." [They follow Muffin.]
Wyatt: [pulling out his credit card] "Yes! I knew my time would come!"


[Wyatt has just received his food from the vendor girl.]
Wyatt: [heading towards the theater] "Penguin Force to the rescue!"
Jude: [from the sky] "Dude. You're totally making my mouth water."
Wyatt: "Jude? Where are you?"
Jude: "Stuck in an air vent, bro."
Wyatt: "No way. How?"
Jude: "Well dude, it's a long story. Y'see, first I noticed it was gonna be one of those days where I thought 'hey, maybe I should stay in bed a little longer' but I said 'no, there's something out there for Jude th–"
Wyatt: "Can we talk later? Don't want to miss my movie."
Jude: "Sure thing, bro."
[Wyatt walks over to the usher and hands in his ticket. Suddenly, Ron and his men leap down from the ceiling.]
Ron: "This theater is closed due to reported rat sightings!" [to his men] "I want this area cleared! Two hours should do it." [to himself] "Now, let's gas this place."
Wyatt: [depressed] "Aw, man! So close!"
[Suddenly, a group of people run screaming from the theater. Muffin follows on their heels.]
Caitlin: "Muffin!" [She, Nikki, and Jen run after her ferret.]
Wyatt: [to Ron] "Now that the rat's gone, can I see my movie?"
Ron: "No! We can't abort now, son! They could be everywhere! Besides, I didn't get dressed up like this for nothing." [Ron leaves, and Wyatt sighs.]


[Jonesy and Wyatt walk up to the girls, who have lost track of Caitlin's pet.]
Jonesy: "I brought along some ferret snacks to lure Muffin."
Caitlin: [antagonized] "What did you say?"
Jonesy: "Doggie treats, I brought doggie treats, doggie treats for your little doggie."
Caitlin: [sighing] "Oh, what's the use? How can I save the animals when I can't even save Muffin?"
Nikki: "I wouldn't worry, Caitlin."
Jen: "Yeah, we'll find him."
Jude: [from the sky] "I believe in you, Caitlin."
Caitlin: "Aw, thanks, Jude! Wherever you are."


Jude: [panting] "Huh?" [Muffin drops from another vent into his.] "AHH! H-hey, little guy. Where'd you come from?" [He rubs Muffin's belly.] "You're just looking for a friend, aren't ya? I'll be your friend, little dude." [Muffin licks Jude's face and burrows into his shirt.] "Hold on, buddy." [laughing] "That-that tickles! Acpth! Stop! I'm being tickled to death by a purple rat!"
Jen: "Jude found the ferret!" [Ron and his exterminators swoop in.] "Huh?"
Ron: "Did I hear somebody say rat?"
Caitlin: "It's a ferret! I mean, purse dog!" [Jude continues laughing.]
Jen: "Why didn't I think of this before? We can follow the giggling right to Jude!"
[The exterminators, teenagers, and Ron follow the sound of Jude's laughter as he moves through the vents.]
Jude: [laughing] "I can't take it!"
Jen: "That's kind of infectious."
[Jen starts laughing, and Nikki joins in. Soon Caitlin and Wyatt are laughing, and Jonesy joins in. Ron starts laughing as well.]
Nikki: [laughing] "We have to stop!" [She continues laughing.]
Jen: [laughing] "Okay, we have to stop laughing." [still laughing] "Or we won't be able to hear Jude!"
[Suddenly, the laughing stops. Only one laugh can be heard.]
Jen: "Okay, that's better."
Jude: "Aw, dude!" [He clanks against something, and the laughter from the other eight starts again.]
Jen: [pointing and laughing] "The laughing's coming from over there!"
[Jude finds his way to a vent cover and kicks at it. He knocks it off as the others arrive.]
Caitlin: "Hey, look!"
Jonesy: "Jude! We found you, buddy!"
Jude: [laughing] "Get it off me! I can't take anymore!"
Ron: "Then I can get at that rat."
Caitlin: [angry] "You touch Muffin, and I'll exterminate you!"
Ron: "Okay girlie, take it easy!"
Nikki: "Everybody grab hold!" [She and Jonesy pull Jude out. Jude looks up at Ron and his exterminators.]
Jude: "Wow. Is this the year 3000? How long was I in there for?"
[Muffin crawls out of Jude's pant leg. Caitlin picks her pet up.]
Caitlin: "Muffin! I missed you!" [Muffin licks her face.]
Dyson: "What a cute little ferret."
[Everyone gasps.]
Caitlin: "Whatever. I'm too tired."
Dyson: "I'm sure you've got all the proper papers for this little guy."
Caitlin: "Papers?"
Dyson: "Yes. Ferrets fall under a little-known section of the Exotic Animal Act. They're not supposed to be kept as pets."
Caitlin: [let down] "Oh."
Ron: "Wait one moment, young man! I'll take it from here." [He takes Muffin.] "This little terror is now mall property." [to the ferret] "Hmm? Who's the cutest little killer, hmm? That's right, you are." [cuddling it] "Mmm? Yeah. Daddy loves you. Daddy is so proud of you." [Ron remembers where he is.] "Um, I mean, this little guy will make an excellent security dog!"
Nikki: [whispering to Jonesy] "Should I mention that it's not really a dog?"
Jonesy: "Ssh."
[Fine Girl and her boyfriend walk by.]
Fine Girl: "I loved the very end when Penguin Force rescued that cute polar bear..."
[Wyatt stares after them angrily. Jonesy puts his arm around Wyatt.]
Jonesy: "Look on the bright side. Now you don't have to go to the movies alone."
Wyatt: [angry] "I'm going to get a good old-fashioned DVD." [He walks away.]


[Jen, Wyatt, and Nikki are sitting around the table. Jonesy walks up.]
Jonesy: "Well, I'm officially out of the pet business for good."
Jen: "What happened?"
Jonesy: "I accidentally put the snakes in the same cage as the mice. It wasn't pretty. Who knew?"
Dyson: [walking up with Caitlin] "I'm really impressed, Caitlin. I had no idea you were such an animal lover."
Caitlin: "These animals shouldn't be confined to cages. They need to roam free!"
[Dyson's pager beeps.]
Dyson: "Someone's about to flush a spider in the public washrooms! Later!"
[Dyson takes off. Caitlin looks at her bargain pets.]
Caitlin: "Well, maybe with a little cashmere wrap and a chin wax they'll be almost cute?"
Ron: [with Muffin on a leash] "That's right, Sergeant Muffin! Sniff 'em out. Lead me to those rancid delinquint maggots! What, you smell one? Let's go! I like the way you work, soldier! I'm with you!" [Muffin leads Ron away. Jude runs up to his friends.]
Jude: "Check it out, dudes! Stuck my coin on a magnet. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you again."
[Jude kisses his coin, and it falls off and goes rolling once again.]
Jude: "GAH! I'll save you!" [He chases after his cash.]
Jen: "Oh, no."

Season 3 Scripts
Sweet 6teenBaby, You StinkSelling Out To The Burger ManThe JournalSilent Butt DeadlyThe New JonesyWrestlemaniaPrank'd2-4-1Another Day at the OfficeOops, I Dialed It AgainHow the Rent-A-Cop Stole ChristmasInsert Name HereAll Pets Are OffJ is For GeniusBicker Me NotLove At Worst SightThe One with the Cold SoreDouble DateFashion VictimsWhoa, BabyCheapskatesOpposites AttackMr. and Mr. PerfectDate and SwitchLife Slaver
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Hour-Long Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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