[The gang are seated around the table.]
Jen: "So Wyatt, how are things going with Marlowe?"
Jude: "Yeah, that new girlfriend of yours is H. O. T!"
Wyatt: "Well, we went to the Rancid Bandage concert on Saturday, and things got a little sweaty."
[His friends lean in, interested.]
Wyatt: "But then they turned on the A.C."
Nikki: "That kind of sweaty."
Wyatt: "That's okay. I'm just taking it slow. Don't exactly have a stellar track record with girls. The last thing I want to do is screw things up."
Jen: "What about you, Nikki? How are things going with Jonesy?"
Nikki: "He's taking me on a so-called romantic movie date this weekend. Could be good, could be lame...stay tuned."
[Jude sniffs the air and collapses. Jen fans the air away from her nose.]
Jen: "Ugh! What's that stench?"
Wyatt: "Chemical spill!"
Jonesy: [walking up] "So guys, like what you smell?"
[Jen, Wyatt, and Nikki get up and rush to hide behind the Big Squeeze. Jude just lies on the floor.]
[Nikki chokes. Jonesy comes over to them.]
Wyatt: [strangled] "Oh my word."
Jonesy: "Pretty sexy cologne, huh? Kinda leaves you speechless, doesn't it."
Nikki: [hacking and coughing] "Date's–cancelled–Jonesy!"
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Baby You Stink
[Caitlin throws open the lid of the Big Squeeze.]
Caitlin: "Guys, you'll never guess what I saw on my way in! A baby-maker booth!"
[Everyone looks up, shocked.]
Nikki: "Did she just say what I think she said?"
Caitlin: "It's a photo booth, Nikki! A really cool photo booth."
Wyatt: "Why's it called a baby-maker booth?"
Jen: "Why is it allowed in the mall?"
Jonesy: "And why are we even asking? Because seriously, I don't want to know."
Caitlin: "It's called a baby-maker booth because it photographs couples and then spits out a picture of what their future baby might look like."
Jude: "Future babies? Cool. Do they like, wear little jetpacks and stuff?"
Caitlin: "Come see for yourselves. I'm taking Benj there at lunch! He'll be so excited!"
Nikki: "Caitlin, don't you think taking your boyfriend, who you've only gone on two dates with, to a baby picture booth, is putting just a little bit of pressure on him?"
Caitlin: "Oh no. He's totally into it." [She sniffs the air.] "Ew. What is that?"
[Everyone else points at Jonesy, whom they've sequestered at another table.]
Jonesy: "Like you haven't smelled cologne before. From a distance. Because your girlfriends abandon you!"
Nikki: "Self-defense!" [She coughs.] "I'm still choking on that rank! Where did you get it?"
Jonesy: "From my new job, at Purely Petals Florists. They're having a monster flowers and cologne sale."
Caitlin: "Not all sales are equal! Haven't you heard of the rash or reekwall? Reduced colognes and perfumes either give you a rash or make you reek."
Jonesy: [annoyed] "Good thing I bought a whole crate of it."
Caitlin: "There's a limited range of acceptable scents for men, and that one is so not one of them."
Jonesy: [throwing perfume away] "So I didn't pick the right cologne. Big whoop! It's not like the Jonesmiester needs any help to smell good. In fact, I'll bet my natural smell is a chick magnet."
Wyatt: "Jonesy, a week without pit juice, and you'd smell worse than the loathsome washrooms, just like the rest of us."
Jude: "Actually, after about a week, you probably wouldn't smell so bad."
Jude: "Stink cycle, dudes. Stinks always start off bad. Then after about a week, they get better." [Caitlin and Jen stare at him.]
Nikki: "Spoken by the true voice of experience."
Jonesy: "I think it's time we separated the men from the boys with a little something called a Man-Off."
Wyatt: "A Man-Off?"
Jonesy: "A contest to see which guy has the best natural scent after one week of not cleaning. That means no baths, no showers, no cologne, deodorant, or soap. Who's in?"
Jude: "You had me at no baths. I'm in."
Wyatt: "You can't be serious. You want me to stink for an entire week just to prove my manliness to you?"
Jonesy: "Like you don't need to, Mr. I'm Too Nervous to Use the Men's Washroom. Admit it! You always run home at lunch when 'you gotta go'."
Wyatt: "Hey! I used the washrooms once last month! It was a Tuesday!"
[Jonesy stares at Wyatt, unimpressed. Wyatt sighs.]
Wyatt: "Fine. When do we start?"
Jen: "Having your boyfriend enter a man-stink contest? Whoa. That's a low point in any relationship."
Caitlin: "On the bright side, Nikki, it can't be worse than his cologne."
[Over by the trashcan where Jonesy dumped his cologne, Jason and Joanie are kissing. The scent from his cologne hits them, and they move away.]
[The gang are gathered by the baby-maker booth.]
Benj: "So–how does this thing work again?"
Caitlin: "We just go in together, and the camera takes pictures of both of us. Then it prints out a picture of what our baby would look like. Isn't that amazing?"
Nikki: "Oh yeah. A real party. Count me out."
Jonesy: "Me too. I'm not going in that thing. It's just a waste of money."
Nikki: "Total waste of money."
Jonesy: "A huge waste of money! So let's not go in. For that. Reason."
Nikki: "Mmm-hmm. For that reason. Exactly."
[Nikki and Jonesy smile, confident in their decision. They peek at each other to see if the other will crumble.]
Caitlin: "I can't believe you guys aren't dying to try this, 'cause I know we are! Right Benj?"
Benj: "Oh yeah. Dying. Absolutely."
[The two enter the booth.]
Caitlin: "So what do you think it'll be? Boy or girl?"
Benj: "Boy. Definitely."
Caitlin: "For a girl, what do you think of the name Emma? Loving it?" [Benj looks at her oddly.] "Well, names aren't always easy to agree on. But we can agree on how beautiful our girl's gonna be! Eee!"
[Caitlin drops two quarters into the machine, and pictures are taken. The two step out and look at the picture.]
Caitlin: "AAH!" [She and Benj leap back, startled.]
Jen: "Something wrong?"
Caitlin: "My baby! It's ugly!"
Nikki: "What? There's no such thing as an ugly baby."
Jen: [taking a look at the picture] "You'd think so, but you'd be wrong."
[The rest of the gang comes over to look. Jonesy sees it and starts laughing.]
Jonesy: "Oh, congratulations, guys! It's a monkey!"
Jude: "Alien dude, we come in peace." [His friends chuckle.]
Caitlin: "This has to be a mistake. We're trying it again." [She hustles Benj into the booth, and her friends turn to go.] "And no one's leaving." [Her friends stop.] "Until we all see the do-over."
[The second picture prints out, and Caitlin looks at it.]
Caitlin: "AAAH! This can't be! You slouched! You didn't smile! That's why the photo was so ugly! We'll fix this..." [She dabs makeup on his face.] "One more time."
Benj: "Uh, maybe another time. I've uh, I've gotta be...somewhere." [He makes a run for it.] "Bye."
Jen: "Caitlin, I'm sure that booth just prints out random baby pictures and throws in some ugly ones as a joke." [grabbing Jude] "Watch. Jude and I will probably get an ugly baby too."
[Jude and Jen enter the booth and have their picture taken. They come out and pick up the photo. Jude, Jen, and Caitlin all gasp when they see it.]
Caitlin: "It's beautiful! It's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen! AAAAAAAHHHH!"
[Caitlin runs away, angry at the world.]
Jude: [to the photo] "Hey there, little dude."
[Jude and Wyatt are drinking coffee at the ice rink. Jude has his baby picture up on the Zamboni.]
Wyatt: "Any particular reason why you got your baby booth photo up there?"
Jude: "It was too big to fit in my wallet."
[Wyatt raises an eyebrow. Jonesy struts up to his friends.]
Jonesy: "Future Man-Off champ, in the house. You guys must be stinkin' in your boots, knowing how bad I'm gonna beat you."
Jude: "I'm telling you dudes, stink cycle. I already got a four-day head start on you not showering. Never been a big fan."
Wyatt: "Jude, you work in an ice rink, where it's too cold to break a sweat. Jonesy, you work at a florist's surrounded by sweet-smelling flowers! How is that fair?"
Jonesy: "You mean compared to your job, working in a greasy hot rancidy meat-filled burger joint? It's not."
Wyatt: "So I should stay in your stupid man-smell contest because?"
Jonesy: "I knew you'd try to weasel out of this. So I decided to make two trophies. One for Man-Off champ, the guy with the best scent, and one for Man-Off chump, the guy with the worst scent. That's you."
Wyatt: "What? No it isn't!"
Jonesy: "Oh yes it is! By backing out of the contest, you admit that you reek the worst. I can't wait to show this baby to your girlfriend."
Wyatt: "Fine! Promise not to say anything to Marlowe, and I'll stay in." [He sighs.] "My rancidy meat-filled job calls." [Wyatt leaves the ice rink.]
Jonesy: "All right! I knew that would keep him in! Once again, our Man-Off is man-on."
[Wyatt wipes some sweat from his brow. He notices that his uniform is soaked with sweat.]
Wyatt: "Eugh! Nasty!"
Tim: "Wyatt, a minute? Just because a kid threw up on your uniform doesn't mean you can ignore our smile every ten seconds rule." [Wyatt fakes a smile.] "Better. You now have nine seconds to prepare for the next one." [sniffing the air] "Are the onions off?"
Wyatt: "Onions. Yeah. That's it."
[Wyatt looks up into the eyes of Marlowe.]
Marlowe: "Hi Wyatt. Is it your break time yet?"
Wyatt: "I, uh, can't take a break today, Marlowe. I'm too uh, busy."
Marlowe: "Okay. One for the road then?" [She puckers her lips for a kiss.]
Wyatt: [chuckling nervously] "Like I said, very busy."
Marlowe: "Is...everything cool?"
Wyatt: "Oh yeah, sure, couldn't be better!" [Beside him, Tim taps his watch, and Wyatt fakes a smile.]
Marlowe: "You're still meeting me later for our quote-unquote baby picture, right? It just might make the cut for our demo cover."
Wyatt: "New photo booth? After work? I'll be there." [Marlowe leaves.] "How am I ever gonna keep this up without getting dumped?"
[A box of fruit-shaped hair clips has arrived at the Khaki Barn.]
Kirsten: "These fruity hair clips are so cute."
Kristen: "I heard Rachel McAdams was spotted wearing them last week."
Kirsten: "Ew! This peach is rotten!"
Kristen: "That's because it's a kiwi."
Kirsten: "That's the only kiwi! I want it!"
Kristen: "No way, get your own!"
Nikki: "With that much fruit on your head, you guys look like Carmen Miranda."
Kirsten: "Carmen Electra wears these too?"
[Kristen and Kirsten gasp.]
Kristen and Kirsten: "Yay!!!"
Jonesy: [walking in] "Hey babe." [Nikki smells him.] "For tonight's date, I was thinking we'd start–"
Nikki: "Ew! Ew! Get away from me!"
Jonesy: "Oh come on, you love my rugged man-smell."
Nikki: "Sorry Jonesy, but you smell revolting!"
Jonesy: "Playing hard to get? I'm into that."
[Jonesy moves closer to Nikki. Nikki runs and hides behind Kristen and Kirsten.]
Nikki: "Aah. I never thought I'd be happy to sniff Clone fumes." [Kristen and Kirsten smell the air.]
Kirsten: [pained] "Ohhh...who tooted?" [Jonesy walks towards the three. They back away.]
Jonesy: "Nikki, it's hard to make out with you when you keep moving away like that."
Nikki: "Until you shower, Jonesy, my lips are off limits."
Jonesy: "But–I can't shower for three more days! I can't go three days without affection! My-my lips will shrivel up!" [He moves closer, and the three back away.] "Please, babe! Just a peck on the cheek to get me through the day!"
Kristen: "Ew! Stench! He's not even wearing Khaki Barn cologne!"
Kirsten: "Get away from us." [They start pelting him with the fruity hair clips.]
Jonesy: "Hey!" [running for the door] "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow."
[Marlowe is waiting by the photo booth when her phone rings.]
Marlowe: [answering] "Wyatt, you're late! Where are you?"
Wyatt: "I'm on my way!" [Wyatt is hiding behind a toy. He is spying on Marlowe.] "Go inside the booth and I'll meet you there!"
[Confused, Marlowe enters the booth. Wyatt sniffs himself and groans. He then hustles into the booth, stays just long enough for the photos to be taken, and runs out. Marlowe exits the booth.]
Marlowe: [into her phone] "Babe? Was that you?"
Wyatt: "Oh, yeah. I just realized I forgot my wallet at work. Sorry."
[The photo prints out, and Marlowe looks at it. Her heart melts.]
Marlowe: "Oh, Wyatt! This is our baby, alright."
Caitlin: [running up] "Another perfect baby?" [angry] "Everyone who steps in this stupid booth has a beautiful baby except for me!"
[Darth and Julie enter the booth.]
Marlowe: "That can't be true."
[Darth and Julie's baby prints out. Marlowe, Darth, and Julie look at what is undeniably a cute baby.]
Darth: "Oh yes!"
Caitlin: "It's cute, isn't it! Isn't it?!?"
Marlowe: [gently taking her picture back] "Uh, Caitlin? I gotta go." [She leaves.]
Caitlin: [angry] "You mothers of beautiful babies are all the same! It's always me me me!"
[There is a long line to the photo booth. Caitlin and her female friends are in it.]
Jen: "Do you really want to try this again? I'm sure Benj couldn't care less about some dumb fake baby photo."
Caitlin: "He shouldn't. I dumped him this morning."
Jen: [shocked] "What? But yesterday you said you thought Benj was the one!"
Nikki: "He was her twelfth 'the one'. Not that I'm counting."
Caitlin: "I need to find a guy who can make me a cute baby. A guy whose overall hotness will tip the scales in my favor." [pulling out a magazine] "Cover boy here ought to do it."
[She is now at the front of the line. Caitlin goes in and has her picture taken. She comes out and takes a look.]
Caitlin: "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
[Caitlin runs away from the booth, angry at the world. Nikki's phone rings.]
Nikki: "Jonesy, quit stalking me! I like my men bathed! So until you are, keep a healthy distance!" [She hangs up.]
Jonesy: "Aw, man! I can't take much more of this. I've gotta get the guys to cave. Jude oughta be easy, but Wyatt? I'll have to catch him cheating or something to get him to fold!" [spotting Wyatt] "Well speak of the devil."
[Wyatt walks through the mall. Jonesy spies on him, keeping a safe distance between them as he tails his friend through the mall corridors. Wyatt enters Huntington's.]
Salesman: "Care to try a spritz of our newest cologne?"
Jonesy: [to himself] "C'mon, Wyatt, be bad! You know you wanna be! Take the free sample!"
Wyatt: "I dunno." [as the salesman's finger lowers] "I just don't know."
Ron: [behind Jonesy] "Well well. Look who's creeping around like some unspayed tomcat."
Jonesy: [quietly] "Ssh! Trying to spy here! A little quiet please?"
Ron: "Illicit surveillance! Disrespecting authority! Care to make it three for three by resisting arrest, mister–" [he takes a whiff of the air] "–mister–" [sniffing again] "–what's that? Smells like a–like a cow patty. Cow patties make me–" [He barfs into his hands. Hearing the commotion, Wyatt looks over.]
Wyatt: "I'm sorry, but I can't possibly accept any scent that covers my natural manly aroma. Good day."
[Wyatt exits the store, along the way saluting Ron and Jonesy.]
[Nikki is at work when she sees Jude come in.]
Nikki: "Oh no. More man-stink." [She grabs one of Kirsten's hair clips and puts it over her nose.]
Nikki: "Finally. The Crappy Barn makes something useful."
Jude: "Ladies." [Kirsten sniffs the air and walks away.] "So, Nikki, I need your help buying some baby clothes."
Nikki: "Excuse me?"
Jude: "Baby clothes. Something extra stylin' so my little dude here knows he's special."
[Caitlin is pushing the baby-making booth towards the Big Squeeze, where a long line is formed.]
Caitlin: "Heavy–sorry–long lunch break."
Nikki: "For a size zero, she can really drag a heavy load." [She and Jen have their noses clipped.]
Trucker: "What's with the photo booth?"
Caitlin: "That? It's, uh, so I can take pictures of all my best customers. To give them discounts."
Jonesy: "Hey!" [He and Wyatt walk up.] "Close chance on the cologne spritz, huh, cheater?"
Wyatt: [angry] "Since when did you start checking up on me?"
Jonesy: "Since you started looking twice at water fountains!"
Jen: "Guys, this Man-Off has gotten way out of hand. It's not about who smells the best anymore, it's about who smells the least horrible!"
Nikki: "And it's gotten really nasty, which would be hilarious if it didn't affect me so directly."
Jonesy: "We're not stopping the Man-Off. Unless, of course, Wyatt wants to drop out for real this time."
Wyatt: "You wish. The best smell winner's going to be either you or me. Which is a nice way of saying it'll be me."
Jen: "What about Jude?"
Wyatt: "I think we can all agree that Jude and hygiene have never been on a first-name basis."
Jonesy: "There's still three days left in the Man-Off, so don't let me catch you washing your hands with spit again, because from now on, spit counts as a cleaning fluid!"
[At work, Wyatt carries heavy pieces of meat from place to place, only stopping to hide when Marlowe comes by and smiling every ten seconds as commanded. Jonesy isn't faring much better; he brings Nikki flowers, but Nikki refuses his lips. To make matters worse, his scent wilts and kills the flowers when he gets too close to them.]
[Coach Halder and his girlfriend have just had their pictures taken.]
Halder's Girlfriend: [looking at the picture] "Aww!"
Coach Halder: [delighted] "Hey! Gee that's fun." [They walk away.]
Caitlin: "Free photos with me in the photo booth, please say yes!"
Man on Phone: "Pardon me?"
Caitlin: "Close enough." [dragging him into the booth] "C'mon, I don't have all day!"
Nice Woman: "If you take my photo, can I get a discount?"
Caitlin: "Guys only!"
[The baby picture prints out. The lady picks it up, takes a look, and screams in horror.]
Caitlin: [shoving the man away] "Next!"
[Jonesy and Wyatt place their hands on the door of the men's washroom at the same time.]
Jonesy: "Huh?" [accusatory] "You're cheating again, aren't you!"
Wyatt: "Me? What about you?!?"
Jonesy: "I don't cheat, Wyatt. I'm only here to keep an eye on your cheating."
Wyatt: "You're here to wash your armpits, aren't you!"
Jonesy: "Keep your spit hands to yourself."
[Jen is at work when Jude comes in with a baby carriage that houses their baby photo.]
Jude: "Yo, Jen. You and I should have a mom and pop talk over some grindage about our chip off the old Judester."
Jen: "Jude, you're really starting to freak people out. Your little dude son? It's a photo. A printout. It's not. Real."
Jude: "It's cool, I'm used to being a single parent. Just keep the holidays open for us to visit."
[Wyatt and Jonesy are still waiting outside the restroom.]
Wyatt: "Work break's almost over."
Jonesy: "I can hold it. But can you?"
[Marlowe exits the women's bathroom. Wyatt notices and pulls Jonesy inside the men's room.]
Wyatt: "Marlowe! Hi! You, uh, use washrooms too?"
Marlowe: "Wyatt, I heard about your Man-Off competition."
Wyatt: "You did? Who told you?"
Marlowe: "Jen and Nikki. The fruit clips on their noses kinda gave it away." [Inside the restroom, the guys are straining to hold it.] "I don't care if you have B.O."
Wyatt: "You don't?"
Marlowe: "Of course not. The biggest rock stars in the world all stink. B.O. is rock n' roll, baby."
Wyatt: "I didn't think of it that way."
Marlowe: "I'll see you at the judging tomorrow. Go get 'em, tiger!"
[Marlowe leaves. Inside, Jonesy and Wyatt are about to crack.]
Jonesy: "You obviously want a truce."
Wyatt: "And you don't?"
Jonesy and Wyatt: [pained] "AAH!"
Wyatt: "Okay, okay. Just until we're done." [They start.]
Jonesy: [exhaling loudly] "Aaaahhh."
Wyatt: "I'm keeping my eye on you, Jonesy." [after a beat] "Just...not at this particular moment."
[The judging has begun. Caitlin, Nikki, and Jen are all wearing nose clips.]
Jen: "Alright, stink boys. One by one, each of you will walk toward us, the judges. When your reek becomes too much for us to take, we will yell at you to stop. The guy who makes it closest to us wins. Wyatt, you're up first."
Nikki: "Shields down." [The girls remove their nose clips.] "Go."
[Wyatt walks towards them. He makes it about two thirds of the way there before they stop him.]
Jen: [choking] "Ew! Hold it! Enough!"
Wyatt: "Wow. I made it pretty close! I must not be as smelly as I thought."
Marlowe: [sniffing him] "Forget rock star stink, you're not even at boy band stink."
Wyatt: [confused] "You're disappointed?"
Marlowe: "Stink doesn't make the star, Wyatt."
Nikki: "And now, the moment we've all been dreading...Jonesy. Go."
[Jonesy swaggers forward barely two steps before the girls begin choking.]
Jonesy: "Oh come on! You've got to be kidding!"
Nikki: [choking] "It's disgusting!"
Jen: [almost throwing up] "That is the grossest reek ever!"
Caitlin: "Ew! It's in my nose!" [shaking Jen] "I can't get it out of my nose!"
[Nikki pukes on the floor.]
Jonesy: "Aw, man! This contest is fixed!" [He sits down in a nearby chair.]
Caitlin: "Jude. Let's get this over with."
Jen: "Where's your baby picture?"
Jude: [walking forward] "I decided little dude needs a big dude who can be more of an authority figure to him. 'Cause kids really need discipline." [He reaches the table.]
Nikki: "Oh. You gave L. D. up for adoption?"
Jude: [wiping a tear away] "Yeah. It's all for the best."
[Jude really just taped his photo to the back of Ron's uniform.]
Caitlin: "Is it just me, or does Jude just smell like Jude?"
Nikki: "He never showered much to begin with. He's always had a faint, lingering odor."
Jen: "We have a winner!" [Caitlin gives Jude the first-place trophy and kisses him on the cheek.]
Jude: "Sweet! I'd like to thank the stink cycle for all it's given me over the years. Peace out!"
Jonesy: "No way! I demand a resniff!"
[A large cart of dead flowers is wheeled up next to him.]
Florist: "Jonesy, your B.O. killed every flower I had."
Florist: "You're fired."
Florist: [moving on] "I'm sorry, don't e–no. You're fired."
Ron: "Ahem." [Ron is standing by the baby-maker booth.] "I've received numerous complaints of unladylike behavior at this unlawfully moved photo booth. Which of you lowlifes is responsible?"
Caitlin: "Oh, it's the booth's fault. No matter who I pose with, this thing prints out butt-ugly baby pictures. And I've posed with every single cute guy I could find!"
Ron: "I don't recall being asked."
Caitlin: [annoyed] "Like I have a choice now."
[Caitlin grabs Ron and pulls him into the photo booth. She takes the dispensed picture and gasps.]
Caitlin: "She's beautiful! She's beautiful! My baby is beautiful!" [hugging Ron] "Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank–"
Ron: [clearing his throat, uncomfortable] "Well, unless you want a ticket, I suggest you return this booth to its rightful spot across the hall from Belts, Belts, Belts!" [looking at the picture] "Hmm. Cute kid."
[Ron leaves. Caitlin sighs happily.]
Jen: "Guys, there's still the Man-Off chump trophy to hand out?"
Nikki: [singsong] "Oh, Jonesy." [She puts her clip on and delivers the trophy to him.]
Jonesy: "Uh...I don't think I w–"
Wyatt: "Go ahead, buddy. You deserve it."
Jonesy: "Aw, man!"
[The gang are seated around their usual table.]
Wyatt: "I'm telling you, I've never left a bigger ring around the tub than I did last night."
Jen: "My mom made Jonesy run all his clothes through the wash twice just to get out the stench."
Jonesy: "Yeah, well, at least Nikki's back to finding the Jonesmiester irresistible again."
Nikki: [smelling him] "It's amazing how charming a Man-Off chump can be when he showers."
Jude: "Man-Off champ: Jude Lizowski. And all it took was two weeks of not showering."
[Everyone makes disgusted noises upon hearing this.]
Jonesy, Jen, Nikki, Wyatt, and Caitlin: "Two weeks?!?"
[Jude is being carried away by his friends.]
Jude: "Whoa! Ah! Whoa!"
[Jude's friends throw him into the fountain.]
Jude: [relaxed] "Harsh."