[Wyatt and Marlowe walk through the mall carrying their instruments. Wyatt looks rather sad.]
Wyatt: "So...jam session went well."
Marlowe: "Yep. I think Pete's finally gotten the hang of those riffs."
Wyatt: "Yeah. Though...did you miss that last chord progression? It sounded a little...uh...funny."
Marlowe: "Funny?" [They approach the table.] "Sort of like that face you sometimes make when you sing? The one that looks like you have to go to the bathroom?"
Jen: "Hey guys. How was rehearsal?"
Wyatt: [flatly] "Great."
Marlowe: [flatly] "Awesome."
[An awkward silence descends upon the table.]
Jonesy: "So. Okay. Cool." [Caitlin walks up.]
Caitlin: "Hey guys!"
Nikki: "Ugh. At least someone's in a good mood."
Caitlin: [getting ready for work] "You believe in love at first sight, right?"
Jonesy: "Totally! Happened to me when I saw that new turbo-powered jet ski at the boat show."
Nikki: [punching Jonesy's arm] "Nice." [to Caitlin] "Who is he?"
Caitlin: "His name is Callum. I met him at Andrea's costume party last night. He was a gladiator. Tall, blonde, buff..."
Jen: "Sounds like a total hottie."
Caitlin: "He said he'd drop by today. So let me know if you see him so I can lose the lemon hat."
Jen: "You bet."
Jude: "So dude, you listen to that CD I burned you?"
Wyatt: "Nah, Marlowe and I rented a movie last night."
Jonesy: "Isn't that like the tenth night in a row you guys have watched a movie?"
Wyatt: "I guess we're kinda in a rut."
Marlowe: [offended] "A rut? Nice thing to say in front of your girlfriend."
Wyatt: "Well, it's sorta true, isn't it?"
Marlowe: "It is now."
[Wyatt and Marlowe turn away from each other angrily. Once again an awkward silence descends.]
Caitlin: [looking in her purse] "I just found a pack of gum I didn't know I had! Don't you just love it when that happens? Callum and now this! It's like the best day ever!" [She chooses a stick.] "Gum, anyone?"
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Date and Switch
[The guys are inside Grind Me.]
Wyatt: "I don't know what it is. Marlowe and I are just in a weird place. I mean, I really like her, but we're driving each other nuts!"
Jude: "You have been fighting a lot."
Wyatt: "I think we're spending too much time together."
Jonesy: "You saying you want to kick her to the curb?"
Wyatt: "That's the last thing I want!"
Jonesy: "A little advice. If you want to spice things up, just hook up with another chick."
Jonesy: "Trust me. Nothin' gets a girl more hooked than if she thinks she's on the way out."
Wyatt: "Uh-uh. I'm not messing with Marlowe's head."
Jonesy: "Don't knock it! Sometimes a little head-messin' is all it takes."
Wyatt: "We just need to not spend every second together. Hanging out, texting, talking on the phone–" [His phone rings. Wyatt sighs and picks up.] "Hey Marlowe. Uh, yeah, okay. Uh, see you there." [He hangs up.] "Marlowe said we need to talk. She's gonna dump me. She's gonna dump me!" [He gets running.]
Jonesy: "What are you doing?"
Wyatt: "If Marlowe can't find me, she can't break up with me! I'm not taking any chances. Not after Serena!"
[Wyatt leaves. Jonesy and Jude watch him go.]
Jonesy: "He's right. If he never sees her again, they might live happily ever after."
[Caitlin, Jen, and Nikki are by the Big Squeeze.]
Caitlin: "So you wanna know why else today is the best day ever?"
Nikki: "You mean, besides the gum?"
Caitlin: "I finally filled my Khaki Card!"
Nikki: "Your Crappy Barn Frequent Shoppers Card? You have to spend 20 bucks like 50 times!"
Caitlin: "I've been racking up points on this card since I was like fourteen. But today's the day I'm finally gonna get that cute pink cami! For free!"
Jen: "You're so lucky!"
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Yeah, lucky. You finish your card, and then you get to start all over again."
Caitlin: "I know! I can't wait!" [She turns around, gasps, and removes her hat.] "Callum!"
[Caitlin takes a closer look. Callum is really quite nerdy.]
Jen and Nikki: "Huh?"
Callum: "Caitlin! Nice digs you have here."
[Caitlin takes a closer look. Callum is wearing socks with sandals.]
Caitlin: [biting her tongue] "Callum, these are my friends Jen and Nikki."
Jen and Nikki: [waving] "Hey."
Callum: "Hi." [to Caitlin] "So, can I have a lemon squishy?"
Caitlin: "Sure." [She pours him one.]
Callum: "So, did Caitlin tell you her new main man's a champion skateboarder?"
Nikki: "You're–um–a shredder?"
Callum: "Uh-huh. The best! I play the Tony Hawk video game. A lot. My mom won't let me ride a real skateboard until I'm eighteen."
Caitlin: [handing over the drink] "There you go."
[Callum puts on a pair of glasses that make him look even nerdier.]
Callum: "Does this have pulp in it? 'Cause pulp triggers my gag reflex." [He drops his drink.] "Oops!"
Callum: "Sorry. Think I could get another one?"
Caitlin: [sighing] "Okay. Coming up." [She starts to pour him another drink.]
Callum: "Oh, and give me your phone number while you're at it. I'm gonna need it now that we're dating and all."
Caitlin: "Sure." [She writes down her number on a slip of paper and hands it over.]
Callum: "C-Dog scores the digits! So, how about a hug for the road?"
[Callum pulls Caitlin into a hug and spills his drink on the back of her blouse.]
Callum: "Oops!" [giggling] "Maybe that'll be our thing. Me spilling stuff on you! See you soon, sweet cheeks!"
[Callum pinches Caitlin's cheek and walks away.]
Jen: "He's such a–"
Caitlin: "Dork! He was in costume at the party."
Nikki: "I don't get it. Why did you give him your phone number?"
Caitlin: "Just because I gave him a number, doesn't mean I gave him my number." [Nikki and Jen look at each other.] "I have a standard fake! Every experienced dater has one. Whenever a guy I'm not into asks for my digits, I give them the number to the Gigantoplex."
Jen: "The Gigantoplex?"
Caitlin: "I figure they'll go see a movie and forget all about me."
Nikki: "There is a certain Caitlin logic to that."
Caitlin: [taking off her apron] "Well, I'm off to the Khaki Barn to cash in my Frequent Shoppers C–where's my Khaki Card? It was right here on the counter!"
Jen: "You mean–the little piece of paper you wrote your fake number on?"
Caitlin: [panicking] "Ohh, ahh, I gave it to Callum! It took me two years to finish that card!"
Nikki: "Take it easy, Caitlin. You just need to go to the Gigantoplex, tell 'em what happened, and have them put Callum in touch when he calls."
Caitlin: "Yay!" [She shuts down the shop.] "Oh, you're the best, Nikki! I'm gonna get my new cami after all!"
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Well now, don't I feel like a hero."
[Jonesy is playing a game at the arcade.]
Game: "Enemies defeated. Hero victorious."
Jonesy: "Woohoo! In your face, fourth graders!"
[A basketball bounces behind the machine and hits Wyatt, who is hiding there.]
Wyatt: "Hey! Watch it!"
Jonesy: "Wyatt? What are you doing?"
Wyatt: "Avoiding Marlowe."
Jonesy: "Dude, you've gotta man up. You can't spend your whole life running from her."
Wyatt: "What if she dumps me?"
Jonesy: "Don't let her. Like Nikki always says, a relationship is a two-way street. You've got a say too, bro."
Wyatt: "You know what? You're right! I'm not gonna let her dump me!"
Jonesy: "Way to go."
Wyatt: "If I hurry, I can still make it to Cafe Coeur Brisé to meet her."
Jonesy: [shocked] "Whoa, dude. Cafe Coeur Brisé is the breakup place in the mall. They serve tissues on the menu!"
Wyatt: "It's a wonder Serena didn't take me there."
Jonesy: "It's new."
Wyatt: "Figures. Back to Plan A." [He starts to leave.]
Jonesy: "Hey! Where are you going?"
Wyatt: "Plus-Size Palooza, the oversized womenswear store. It's the last place Marlowe will look for me."
[Wyatt runs off. Jonesy stares after him, concerned.]
Jonesy: "I would hope so."
[Marlowe is worriedly looking around the mall. Jonesy passes her, and Marlowe catches up to him.]
Marlowe: "Hey, Jonesy, uh, have you seen Wyatt?"
Jonesy: "What do you mean by seen? Have I seen him at the mall, or have I seen him naked? Because that is definitely not my thing."
Marlowe: "I need to talk to him. Do you know where he is?"
Jonesy: "Depends. What do you need to talk to him about?"
Marlowe: "That would be between Wyatt and I?"
Jonesy: "Well, then I don't know where he is."
Marlowe: "I obviously wanted Wyatt to be the one to hear this, but, I think he and I need to–take a break."
Jonesy: [shocked] "What? Why?"
Marlowe: "We've been spending too much time together."
Jonesy: "So spend less time together."
Marlowe: "It's just not working. Okay?"
Jonesy: [grabbing her] "Not okay! Don't do this! For all our sakes, and I don't just mean you, Wyatt, and myself."
Marlowe: "Uh, excuse me? Um, the last time I checked it was just me and Wyatt in this relationship."
Jonesy: "That is exactly how the selfish-minded person thinks! It's all about me me me, Wyatt Wyatt Wyatt, but there's the rest of the gang to think of, that's five whole other people. Didn't you hear what happened last time? We can't afford a repeat of the Serena situation!"
Marlowe: "I'm not Serena. She broke up with Wyatt in a text message."
Jonesy: "C'mon, Wyatt has so many terrific qualities! He has, uh–great penmanship?" [after a beat] "And, he washes his hands religiously after he pees!"
Marlowe: "I know Wyatt's an awesome guy, though not necessarily for those reasons. That's–why I don't want us to end up hating each other."
Jonesy: [sighing] "Fine. If you won't budge, at least let me break it to him."
Marlowe: "You? You can't be serious."
Jonesy: "Serious as a zit on prom night. You have no idea what we–I mean what life was like for Wyatt after Serena dumped him."
Marlowe: "He did kind of freak out, huh?"
Jonesy: "Yes. Yes he did. Which is why you have to let me do it for you."
Marlowe: "Okay, but you've got to promise to break it to him gently."
Jonesy: "Abso-fricken-lutely! If anyone knows how to toss an old ball-and-chain down the crapper–gently–it's me. C'mon, he's my best friend."
[Caitlin walks up to the ticket booth.]
Caitlin: "Hi. I'm hoping you can help me. My name is Caitlin Cooke."
Salesman: "So you're Caitlin Cooke. The one guys always call for. Now I know what the fuss is about."
Caitlin: "Uh–yeah. The thing is, there's this guy, Callum. I gave him your number as my standard fake, but now I need to get in touch with him. So I was hoping that when he calls, you could give him my real number."
Salesman: "Sure thing, sugar. You give it to me, and I'll give it to him."
Caitlin: "That would be awesome, thanks."
Salesman: "Then we can share a tub of hot buttered fun."
Caitlin: "Uh...yeah. Right." [She scribbles down a number and leaves it there.]
[Jonesy is explaining his plan to his friends.]
Jonesy: "So as long as Wyatt avoids Marlowe, he'll never know she wants to dump him. And we're golden! Sweet plan, huh?"
Nikki: "Okay. Let me get this straight. You told Marlowe that you'd break up with Wyatt, which is insane, but you don't actually intend on doing it?"
Jonesy: "Correctumundo! He doesn't know, she doesn't know. We all live happily ever after."
Jen: "This is ridiculous. Somebody needs to tell Wyatt."
Jude: "And live through the whole Serena thing again?"
Caitlin: "Wyatt really was devastated. He propositioned Serena over the mall loudspeaker."
Nikki: "And took up angst-ridden spoken poetry."
Jen: "We have to tell him! We just need to break it to him in a way that Wyatt will...understand."
Jonesy: "Okay, do it your way. Any volunteers to dump him?"
Jonesy: "That's what I figured."
Jen: "Fine. If nobody wants to do it, we'll draw straws."
[The shortest straw has been pulled by Caitlin.]
Caitlin: "Fine. I'll do it. I'm the relationship expert."
[Caitlin is alone with Wyatt.]
Wyatt: "So, what'd you want to talk to me about?"
Caitlin: "Um, so Wyatt. Have you ever been shopping and seen a really cute top that you just had to have?"
Wyatt: "Uh, no?"
Caitlin: "Just go with me on this. Say you love this top. You buy it, but when you get it home, it just doesn't work. You know what I'm getting at?"
Wyatt: "I think so. And you're right. That top doesn't look very good on you. You should return it."
Caitlin: "What?!? I love this top!" [sighing] "Maybe Jen will have better luck."
Wyatt: "Definitely. That top would look way better on Jen."
Caitlin: [shocked] "What?!?"
[It's Jen's turn.]
Jen: "How should I put this...you know, Wyatt, life is like hockey."
Wyatt: "It is?"
Jen: "Think about it. There's a minute left in the third period. You're down six goals. Why pull the goalie and fight on? You might as well take the loss, keep your head high, and try to do better next time. Do you see where I'm going with this?"
Wyatt: "Hockey can get kind of boring. It's best to leave early before the parking lot jams up."
[Jen stares at her friend in blank amazement.]
[Jude and Wyatt are eating inside Burger McFlipster's.]
Jude: "You know that boa constrictor at the pet store?"
Wyatt: "Yeah. What about it?"
Jude: "Well, every so often, it's gotta shed its old scratchy skin so it can get some hot new better skin. Know what I'm saying, dude?"
Wyatt: "Not really."
Jude: "Be the snake, bro. Be the snake."
Wyatt: [catching on] "Right." [He looks around happily.]
[Nikki, Caitlin, Jude, and Jen have gathered at the table.]
Nikki: "I don't believe you people! What is so hard about walking up to the guy and saying 'Wyatt. Marlowe doesn't want to see you anymore.'"
Jen: "If you think it's so easy, go tell him yourself. He's hiding from Marlowe behind the potted plant."
[Nikki looks over at the plant and walks over.]
Nikki: "Wyatt, I have something to tell you."
Wyatt: "Sure Nikki. Shoot."
Nikki: "I–um–it's just that–uh. You need to know that–uh–I love your music!"
Wyatt: "Uh, thanks, Nikki. Sorry, I just spotted a better hiding place."
[Wyatt runs over to a trash can and hides in it. Nikki returns to her friends.]
Jonesy: "So, did you guys tell him?" [The four hang their heads.] "Wussed out, huh? Knew it! This job calls for a pro. When Jonesy cuts someone loose they are totally ditched, dumped, bagged, and left at the curb, with a twist tie."
[Caitlin and Jen are reading girly magazines to Jonesy and Nikki.]
Caitlin: "Breakup rule number eight, according to Teen Scene magazine–"
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Yeah. The hot source for fashion and relationship tips for today's hot happening teens."
Caitlin: "Never tell the person you're breaking up with 'I still want to be friends.'"
Jen: "Totally. They never mean it."
Caitlin: "Tell me about it! It's like, I've got enough friends. What I wanted was a boyfriend."
Jonesy: [miming taking a photo] "Click. Got the picture. Can I go now?"
Caitlin: "Just remember, Jonesy. When you break Wyatt's heart, be careful not to hurt him."
Jonesy: "Great. Got it. Later." [He leaves.]
Jen: [to Caitlin] "So, have you heard from Callum about getting your Khaki Card back?"
Caitlin: "I probably would've by now, but I–sort've–fake-numbered the guy at the Gigantoplex."
Nikki: [astounded] "Why would you do that?"
Caitlin: "I couldn't give that guy my real number! He was a total creep!"
Jen: "Okay, reality check. How are you going to get your card back if this Callum dude can't get in touch with you?"
Caitlin: [looking at Jen endearingly] "Actually, he can. I gave the Gigantoplex guy the number for the Penalty Box."
Jen: "What? No way."
Caitlin: "Maybe you better get over there. Callum might call."
Jen: "Forget it, Caitlin. I'm not your receptionist."
Caitlin: "Alrighty then." [standing up] "I'll just answer the call myself. Anything to get my Khaki Card back. Toodles!" [She leaves for the Penalty Box.]
Nikki: [to Jen] "You know you'll get fired if she shows up at work instead of you."
Jen: "Uch, I know!" [She follows Caitlin.]
[Jen and Nikki are passing a store when they look inside, stop, and gasp.]
Jen: "Cafe Coeur Brisé? Jonesy's breaking the news to Wyatt."
[The two look at each other and slink away.]
Mimi: [weeping] "Why? Why are you breaking up with me?"
Middle-Aged Man: [crying] "Please! Give me another chance!"
Brianna: "Think we're stale, huh? I'll give you stale!" [She throws a piece of bread at her ex-boyfriend.]
Wyatt: [confused] "Why did you want meet here again?"
Jonesy: "Well, the truth is, I ran into Marlowe this afternoon and, hard as this is to say, things just aren't working out."
Wyatt: "With you...and Marlowe?"
Jonesy: "Dude. With you and Marlowe."
Jonesy: "You know it, bro. Spending all that time together, getting on each other's nerves? It's been too much."
Wyatt: "I can't believe it! I'm getting this from you?!? You're breaking up with me for Marlowe?!?"
[A gaggle of girls gasps.]
Fine Girl: "You're dumping him for some girl named Marlowe?"
Mimi: "And switching teams?"
Wyatt: "No. You don't understand–"
Mimi: "Don't make excuses for him! Marlowe must be a real backstabber to come between you!"
Jonesy: "You've got it all wrong! Wyatt and I were never–a–anything!"
Fine Girl: "Oh, so now you're denying your entire relationship?!?"
[The girls throw bread at Jonesy. One of them sticks to his face before sliding off.]
Jonesy: "Hey, that one had butter on it!"
[Jonesy quickly holds up another menu to defend himself from the flying bread and runs out of the store.]
Wyatt: [chasing Jonesy] "Wait, Jonesy, give me another chance!"
Jonesy: "I'm sorry, dude, it's over." [He and Wyatt run smack into Ron.]
Ron: "So, you two are breaking up."
Ron: "Love's like war, and I've taken my share of shrapnel."
Wyatt: "You don't get it. We're not breaking up!"
Jonesy: "You've got it all wrong, w-w-we're not–"
Ron: "You're trying to break up, and he won't let go." [to Wyatt] "Quite frankly, son, you can do better."
[Jen is working while Caitlin sits by the phone. It rings.]
Caitlin: "Penalty Box! Do I carry jockstraps? Ew, no!" [She hangs up.] "Perv."
Coach Halder: "Hey! You want to tell me exactly what's going on here, peewee?"
[Caitlin's cell phone beeps.]
Caitlin: "Excuse me, Coach." [reading] "It's a text from Nikki! Jen! Jonesy did it! he broke up with Wyatt!"
[Jen gasps and rushes over.]
Jen: "Poor Wyatt! He must be devastated!"
Coach Halder: "Okay, five-minute foul for the both of you."
Jen: "Sorry, Coach, on a break. You can bench me as soon as I get back." [She leaves.]
Caitlin: "And I don't work here." [She follows Jen off.] "But...somebody's got to answer the phone for me." [spotting a guy] "Hey, Crusher. Has anybody ever told you how majorly cute you are? Think you could answer the phone for me for a couple minutes?" [She bats her eyelashes.]
Crusher: "Uh-huh. Uh-huh." [He squeezes the nozzle on his price gun. A sticker smacks into Halder's forehead.]
Coach Halder: "That's it! You're all in the penalty box!"
[A smorgasbord of food is laid out before Wyatt. His female friends surround him.]
Jen: "Okay. We got you ice cream, everything on a pizza, and lots and lots of chocolate."
Caitlin: "The official breakup recovery kit!"
Wyatt: [morose] "Thanks guys, but not in the mood." [He sighs.] "Marlowe and I had such a good thing going."
Jonesy: "Ooh, tasty breakup grub! Don't mind if I do." [He takes a slice of pizza.]
Wyatt: [grasping at Jonesy] "Please, give me another chance. I don't want to break up."
Jonesy: "Wyatt, chill! This is the way it's gotta be! The sooner you accept it, the sooner I get to the ice cream."
Jude: [walking up] "Got you some weepy videos, dude. Sorry about the breakup. I heard you two made a really cute couple." [He laughs. Jen's phone rings.]
Jen: [sighing] "It's Coach." [answering] "Hello?"
Coach Halder: "Get back here, Masterson! Or you're my new speedbag!" [laughing] "I'm just kidding." [serious] "No I'm not."
Caitlin: "I heard. I'm coming."
[Caitlin follows Jen back to the Penalty Box.]
[When Caitlin enters the store, the phone starts ringing.]
Caitlin: [running for the phone] "I'll get it!"
Crusher: [fulfilling his duties] "Duh, answer the phone." [They run towards each other.] "Answer the phone."
[Crusher and Caitlin collide. Both fall back. Coach Halder helps up Caitlin, who is bruised from the collision. Jen is the one to pick up the phone.]
Jen: "Hello?" [listening] "Okay Callum." [covering the mouthpiece] "You're in luck! Callum will meet you at the lemon in ten."
Caitlin: "Yes!" [weary] "Pink cami, here I come."
[Wyatt is sitting inside the ice cream shop nursing a sundae.]
Marlowe: [behind him] "Wow, Wyatt. I had no idea how much you liked ice cream."
Wyatt: "Guess I've sort of developed a taste for it in the time since...Jonesy dumped me."
Marlowe: "I'm sorry." [sitting down next to him] "I wanted to do it, but–Jonesy convinced me it'd be easier for you his way. A-and I couldn't find you. Anywhere."
Wyatt: "Yeah, I was sort of avoiding you."
Marlowe: "Things have just gotten sort of messed up. With the band and the mall...we've just been spending so much time together."
Wyatt: "I know. We have been getting on each other's nerves. So–are you going to say you just want to be friends?"
Marlowe: "Nope. I think we're going to be the best of exes."
[Marlowe kisses Wyatt's cheek and walks away from him, no longer his girlfriend.]
[Jude and Jonesy are chowing down on the breakup food while Nikki looks on disgustedly. Caitlin arrives.]
Jude: [seeing her face] "Whoa, bra! You run into a brick wall?"
Caitlin: "A brick wall in a hockey jersey." [She spots Callum and zips over.] "Hi Callum!"
Callum: "Whoa! Hey, Caitlin. Wow, you look–really different."
Caitlin: "Yeah, uh, do you have that card I gave you? The one with my phone number on it?"
Callum: "Uh, I forgot it–at home?"
Caitlin: "Shoot. Well, I'd like to see you again. Can I have your number?"
Callum: [nervous] "Sure." [writing it on a slip of paper] "Here you go." [He gives her the paper.] "Later."
[Callum leaves. Caitlin waltzes back to her friends.]
Caitlin: "Yay! At least I got his number. 555-7832. I'll just call him and pick up my card."
Jen: "Um–Cait–did you say 555-7832?"
Caitlin: "Yeah. Why?"
[Jen gestures to a sign right behind her.]
Caitlin: [shocked] "Call 555-7832 for complete colon cleansing? I got fake numbered? Me?"
Jonesy: "Ah, have you looked in a mirror lately?"
Caitlin: [agitated] "I'm never gonna get my Khaki Card back!!!" [Jen and Nikki walk over to her.]
Nikki: "C'mon, let's go get you started on a new Crappy Card."
Jen: "Yep. I think it's time for a little retail therapy." [They lead her away.]
Jonesy: [calling after them] "And if that doesn't work, you can always try the colon cleansing!" [He and Jude laugh.]
[The gang are gathered around the table once again.]
Jen: [to Wyatt] "So, how're you doing?"
Wyatt: "Breaking up stinks."
Jonesy: "You know, for the record, I did beg Marlowe not to dump you."
Wyatt: "But Marlowe and I talked, and agreed this is for the best."
Jonesy: "Which is exactly what I told her."
Wyatt: "If there's one thing I've learned from Serena, it's that there's life after breaking up."
Jonesy: "Right you are, bro. There are plenty of hot chicks out there, including those two right over there." [Two Greeter Goddesses walk past.] "Hello, ladies." [Nikki elbows him.] "Ow!"
[The Greeter Goddesses giggle.]
Greeter Goddess: [waving] "Hey Wyatt."
Wyatt: "Hey. What's up?" [He gets up and walks over to them.]
Jonesy: [strained] "I think he's gonna be okay. Though I can't say the same for my gut."
Nikki: "I think your stomach will be just fine. Though I wish I could say the same for your big mouth."
[Nikki rams a slice of pizza into Jonesy's mouth. Jonesy whimpers.]