[Caitlin is in Albatross & Finch with her newest boyfriend. Her boyfriend is in a changing room.]
Caitlin: "Oh, that sweater looks so adorable on you!"
Wade: [muffled] "But you haven't even seen it on me yet, babe."
Caitlin: "True, but I know it'll look cute. I mean, how can it not?" [Wade exits the changing room.] "Yep. So cute."
Wade: "How about we find you something?"
Caitlin: "Really? Okay! You're the best."
Wade: "No, you're the best."
[After a while, the party has moved to Khaki Barn, where Caitlin is still having trouble finding something.]
Caitlin: "Sorry I'm taking so long. I bet you don't think I'm the best anymore."
Wade: "Nah. I think you're better than the best."
[Wade draws Caitlin into his arms, and they kiss.]
Kristen and Kirsten: "Aww!"
Kirsten: "They are just–"
Kristen and Kirsten: "–so sweet!"
Nikki: "Ugh. Sweet like vomit." [Her co-workers gasp.] "I don't know what's worse–the lovey-dovey baby talk or shopping at the Tacky Barn. Uch."
Jonesy: "Hello." [He has arrived, soda in hand.]
Nikki: "What, you didn't get me one?"
Jonesy: "No. Was I supposed to?"
Nikki: "Uh, yes." [Nikki takes his soda from him.]
Jonesy: "Hey, get your own!"
Kirsten: "That's so not sweet."
Wade: "So how about a movie tonight, Cait?"
Caitlin: "You read my mind!"
Kristen and Kirsten: "Aww!"
[Wade and Caitlin are checking out videos at Underground Video.]
Caitlin: "So how about this one?"
Wade: "I chose last time, so whatever you want."
Wayne: "No, not whatever you want. Hand it over. C'mon. C'monmonmonmonmonmonmon." [Caitlin hands over the case. He glances at it.] "Yeah. How long you two been going out?"
Caitlin: "Nine days."
Wayne: "Are you kidding me? This is a chick flick! C'mon, give the guy some respect here!" [He tosses the movie away and gives them a new DVD.] "Here, take this. Thank me later." [He walks away.]
Wade: "Why do you come here?"
Caitlin: "Because of Jude and Wyatt."
[They look over at Jude, who is relaxing on the couch and watching TV. On his shoulder is a plastic bag, and inside is a goldfish.]
Caitlin: "Who's your new friend, Jude?"
Jude: "Don't know. Someone left him here. I think I'm gonna name him...Fish."
Caitlin: "How long have you been waiting for his owner to come back?"
Jude: "Six hours. But it's cool. He likes Kill Phil."
[The fish exhales, releasing some bubbles. Jude does the same with his bubblegum.]
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Fish and Make Up
[Caitlin and Jen walk through the mall.]
Caitlin: "It's like Wade knows exactly what I'm thinking. You know when someone knows what you're gonna say before you say it?"
Caitlin: "Like the other day, Wade and I were in the food court and–"
Jen: "Wade wiped your chair off for you."
Caitlin: "Oh. I guess I told you that story already."
Jen: "Ten times. But it's okay. Go ahead."
Caitlin: "Okay. So, we're in the food court, and Wade..."
[We jump to the Big Squeeze. Everyone but Jude is there, and everyone but Caitlin has their ears covered.]
Caitlin: "...said that's where they get cashmere! From goats."
[Caitlin giggles. We then see her going down the escalator with her friends.]
Caitlin: "...which is where Wade eventually wants to take me."
[Her friends turn their backs on her and trudge upstairs. We next see them at Grind Me.]
Caitlin: "...at least, that's what Tyson, Wade's best friend said..."
[At the movies...]
Caitlin: "...that I'm going to Wade's house for dinner to meet his family! EEEE!"
[The next few moments show a montage of Caitlin saying nothing but Wade to each of her friends. Inside Nikki's head, it becomes nothing but Caitlin saying Wade. When they gather around the table again, she is shaking with fury and insanity.]
Caitlin: [sighing] "Did I tell you about the time Wade–"
Nikki: [through gritted teeth] "Yes."
Caitlin: "And the time that Wade–"
Caitlin: "And that other time Wade–"
Caitlin: "You don't even know what I'm gonna say."
Wyatt: "Yes, we do. If it happened, we've heard it."
[Jude walks up carrying his new pet fish.]
Jude: "Hey, what's up?"
Jonesy: "Run away, man."
Caitlin: "You're just in time for my new story about Wade! Wade took me out on the most amazing date for our eight-day anniversary! First we–"
Nikki: "AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!! Would you just! Shut! UP!"
[Everyone gapes at her, astounded.]
Nikki: "Oh come on! Everyone's thinking it. It's always Wade, Wade, Wade. Can't you talk about something else for once?"
[Caitlin angrily throws her cleaning rag down and storms out of her workplace.]
Jen: "Come on, guys, let's just forget–"
Caitlin: "Just because Wade isn't important to you doesn't mean you can't listen! That's what friends do! Right?"
Jude and Jonesy: "Uh..."
Nikki: [standing up] "Well a real friend wouldn't bore everyone twenty-four seven with boyfriend trivia. Especially when one of us was recently dumped. Right Wyatt?"
Wyatt: [unhappy] "Thanks for bringing that one up."
Caitlin: "Wade is not trivial, Nikki. You're just saying that because you–you're–you're jealous!"
Jen: "Look, this isn't–"
Nikki: "Jealous? Why, because I don't have a boyfriend who helps me pick out pink sweaters?"
Jonesy: "Did you just call me your boyfriend?"
Nikki: "No, I said–"
Jonesy: "'Cause I could've sworn I heard the word 'boyfriend'."
Nikki: "Jonesy, you're not my boyfriend. We're just–we're just–"
Caitlin: "See? You can't even commit to Jonesy, who's obviously totally into you!" [Jonesy purrs.] "You don't deserve to have a relationship!"
Nikki: "Oh, heh, is that what you call your nonstop shopping spree with Wade? Do you have any idea how shallow you are?!?"
[Caitlin drops back, and tears spring to her eyes at this.]
Caitlin: [going on the offensive] "Well at least I'm not a total cow!"
Jonesy: [trying to cool the waters] "S-so, d-did I tell you guys I got a sweet new job in the woman's fragrance department?"
Nikki and Caitlin: "Shut up, Jonesy!"
Nikki: "You're right, Caitlin! I don't want to listen to your stupid stories, because I'm not your real friend! In fact, we're not friends at all!"
[Nikki storms off. Caitlin's lip quivers, and she begins to cry in earnest.]
[Caitlin has finished crying and is now numb, wiping down the Big Squeeze. Stanley comes up and shoots her, and she doesn't react.]
Caitlin: "Do you think I'm shallow?" [Stanley shoots her again.]
Stanley: "Nah na na nah!"
[Stanley runs off. Caitlin's phone rings.]
Jen: "Hey Caitlin. You okay?"
Caitlin: "Me? Oh, sure, I'm fine."
[Jen covers the mouthpiece and talks to Jude, Wyatt, and Jonesy.]
Jen: "She's okay."
Caitlin: "I mean, why wouldn't I be? Nikki's the mean one, and she's gonna be stuck with her mean, mean self for the rest of her life, right?"
Jen: [to her friends] "Scratch that, she's not okay."
Caitlin: "I am so never talking to her ever again. Anyway, we don't need her, right?"
Jen: "Um, we?"
Caitlin: "Yeah! Someone that mean doesn't deserve such amazing friends. So–do you guys want to grab a bite later? I was supposed to go see a movie with Wade, but I really need you guys right now."
Jen: "Sure. Tonight." [Her phone beeps.] "Oh! I've got another call. Talk later?"
Caitlin: "Definitely. Can't wait. Bye!"
[Caitlin hangs up and is replaced with Nikki.]
Jen: "Hey Nikki. How're you doing?"
Nikki: "Me? I'm fine."
[Jen covers the mouthpiece and talks to Jude, Wyatt, and Jonesy.]
Jen: "Nikki's okay!"
Nikki: "I'm so over Caitlin. We are way better off without her."
Jen: "We?" [to her friends] "Scratch that, Nikki's not okay."
Nikki: "Yeah, it'll be like it was before. Hey, you guys up for a movie tonight? I really need to hang."
Jen: [thinking] "Tonight."
Nikki: "You aren't doing anything, are you?"
Jen: "Um. Yeah..."
Nikki: "Oh. What?"
Jen: "I mean, no. Uh, sure. A movie."
Nikki: "Cool. Later." [She hangs up.]
Jonesy: "So what's up for tonight?"
Jen: [stressed] "We're grabbing a bite with Caitlin and going to a movie with Nikki!"
Wyatt: "Uh, how does that work?"
Jen: "I have no idea."
[Jonesy is being trained for his job.]
Jonesy: "Okay. So I ask hot women–I mean, all women–if they'd like to try our new fragrance. Got it."
[Yummy Mummy walks in. Jonesy goes over to her.]
Jonesy: "Hello, madam. May I interest you in a dab of Roar, our new women's fragrance?"
[Yummy Mummy holds out her wrist, and Jonesy sprays it on. He then smells it and purrs.]
Yummy Mummy: "Oh! Mmm."
[Both Yummy Mummy and his boss leave, satisfied with Jonesy.]
Jonesy: "Piece of cake."
[Jude and Fish are hanging out at Underground Video. Wyatt arrives with his lunch.]
Wyatt: "I never thought I'd say this, but you and that fish really seem to be getting along."
Jude: "We've got a lot of common interests. We both like water. And bubbles. And plastic bags."
[Wyatt opens his box of lunch, revealing sushi. Jude and Fish both look over and gasp. Fish screams.]
Jude: [covering Fish's eyes] "Dude! What do you think you're doing? Sushi? Could you be any more insensitive?"
Wyatt: "Uh, sorry."
Jude: "Not to me, man. To Fish."
Wyatt: [bending to look inside the bag] "Sorry. Fish."
Kristen: "Welcome to the Khaki Barn!"
[Wade and Caitlin walk past the store. As they pass, Caitlin looks in, and Nikki stares back. They both make noises of angry disapproval and turn away from each other. As soon as Caitlin is out of view, she looks back longingly.]
Caitlin: "I guess I'll never get to shop there ever again. Good thing I bought that tank top this morning." [She gasps.] "I've just lost a friend and here I am talking about tank tops! Maybe Nikki's right. Maybe I am shallow." [spotting a sale] "Ooh! The new Espadrills are in."
[Inside the Khaki Barn, Nikki is also reconsidering her stance.]
Nikki: "Maybe Caitlin's right. Maybe I am a cow." [sighing] "I know I can be a little mean sometimes, but hey, at least I'm honest." [turning to her co-workers] "Right?"
Kirsten: "Um, we think you should stop talking to us."
[Kristen and Kirsten walk away.]
Kristen: "I liked it way better when she ignored us."
[Jude, Jonesy, Wyatt, and Jen are gathered by the fountain.]
Wyatt: "Why aren't we at the lemon again?"
Jen: "Uh, if Nikki saw us with Caitlin she'd never forgive us."
Jude: "I dunno, dudes. I feel weird, sneaking around."
Jen: "It's just until we can figure out how we can get them back together."
Jonesy: "Hey Wyatt, watch this. I'm gonna snag you a new hottie."
[Jonesy trots over to two girls, perfume in hand. The girls are Charmaine and Serena.]
Wyatt: "What the–oh no! He's talking to Serena!"
[Jonesy fails to get Wyatt a date with his selected girl and heads back over.]
Wyatt: [embarrassed] "Jonesy, that was my old hottie, remember?"
Jonesy: "Oh! Right! Sorry, dude."
Jude: [getting up] "I think I'm just gonna hang with Starr and Fish tonight."
Wyatt: "Good call."
[Jude skates away. A pretty girl in glasses walks past the fountain.]
Jonesy: "Hubba, hubba..."
Jonesy: "Sorry Wyatt, this one's for me."
Jen: "Hey, what about Nikki?"
Jonesy: "Well seeing as I'm not her 'boyfriend', I'd say that makes me a free agent. How do I look?"
[Jen growls. Jonesy, readying himself, spritzes some breath freshener into his mouth. Unfortunately, he's forgotten that the spray bottle he's holding is filled with perfume. Jonesy chokes, spits, and breathes fire.]
[Jen, Wyatt, and Jonesy are at El Sporto's. Jonesy chugs a soda.]
Jonesy: "Perfume smells so good! Who knew it would taste so bad?"
Wyatt: "So we've got the plan straight, right? We're meeting Nikki at seven-thirty."
Jonesy: "But that's in half an hour!"
Jen: "Ssh! Here comes Caitlin."
[Jonesy picks up his menu. Caitlin takes a seat.]
Caitlin: "Hey guys!"
Jen: "Hey Cait. So we ready to order?" [The waitress comes by.] "Cajun burger."
Jonesy: "Jumbo suicide nachos?"
Caitlin: "Hmm. Let's see." [thinking] "Dink-de-dink-dink-ding...I think I'll have the..."
Jen: [stealing Caitlin's menu] "Chicken club." [Caitlin looks at her, surprised.] "Your favorite."
[After they get their food, three of the four tuck in and eat hurriedly.]
Jen: "Almost done there, Jonesy?"
[Jonesy is eating as fast as he can and has almost half a plate left to go.]
Caitlin: "Um, you guys kind of seem like you're in a rush."
Jonesy: [mouth full] "We're going to a movie."
Caitlin: "Oh! Who is?"
Jen: "Um...Jonesy and Wyatt! It's a boys' night! You guys better hurry, the movie starts at seven-thirty." [to the waitress] "Hey! Can we get those to go?"
[The waitress comes by and snatches up Jonesy's nachos. Jonesy starts counting out money.]
Caitlin: "Are you in a rush too, Jen? I thought maybe we could–"
Jen: [improvising] "I promised my parents I'd be home to–whoops! Look at the time. Gotta run. See you tomorrow, Cait."
Wyatt: "Gotta bounce."
[All three take off. The waitress comes to the table with the leftovers.]
Caitlin: "Oh no! Jonesy's doggie bag!"
[Inside a theater, Jude and Starr are watching a movie with Fish. Starr drops a few pieces of popcorn into Fish's bag, and Jude pours some of his soda in. Fish hiccups.]
[Nikki is impatiently waiting outside the Gigantoplex. Her friends arrive.]
Nikki: "What happened to seven-thirty? The movie started five minutes ago!"
Jen: "Sorry. We got held up at–"
Caitlin: "Jonesy! Wyatt! You forgot your–"
[Nikki and Caitlin see each other and realize something's up.]
Nikki and Caitlin: "Hey! What is she doing here!"
[Jude and Starr exit the theater, see the confrontation, and turn around to hide inside.]
Nikki: "Oh, so what, you went out and forgot to invite me? That's just great."
Caitlin: "You guys are going to a movie with Nikki?"
Nikki and Caitlin: "You lied!"
Jen: "We're sorry, but you guys didn't give us a choice."
Nikki: "Oh, we'll give you a choice, all right! You get to choose right now. It's either me or her."
Caitlin: "Yeah! Her or me!"
[Nikki and Caitlin storm off in the same direction.]
Nikki and Caitlin: "Ugh!"
[Caitlin turns around, and they resume their angry walks.]
[The next day, the part of the group that's still together is sitting by the fountain.]
Jen: "I can't believe how awful last night went."
Wyatt: "I know. What's with you, Jonesy?"
Jonesy: "Nikki won't even speak to me! And, I got transferred to the men's fragrance department. Now I gotta spray guys, dude. Guys!"
Wyatt: "That's rough." [He's about to take a sip of coffee when he gets shot by Stanley. He falls over.] "When can we go back to the lemon?"
Jen: "Forget the lemon. This is Nikki and Caitlin that we're talking about. We can't choose between them!"
Jude: "Why can't we all just be friends again?"
Jen: "It's complicated."
Wyatt: "You mean, chicks are complicated."
Jen: "No we're not!"
Jonesy, Wyatt, and Jude: "Yes you are!"
Jude: "That's why I like Fish. You're not complicated, are you, Fish?"
[Jude takes Fish out. He looks rather ill, and his water looks dirty.]
Jen: "Jude! You brought the fish back to the mall?"
Jude: "Sure. What else would I have done with him?"
Wyatt: "Um, put him in a fishbowl?"
Jen: "You're not supposed to carry it around with you! The bag's just for getting the fish home."
Jude: "But how would Fish see the world cooped up in my room?"
[Jude remembers some good times they've had together, and then imagines going skydiving.]
Jonesy: [poking the bag] "Actually, Fish isn't looking so hot."
Jude: "Hmm. He's probably hungry. I promised I'd take him to Nice Cinnabuns for breakfast."
Wyatt: "Yeah. Right. So, what's the plan for getting Nikki and Caitlin back together?"
Jen: "If we can get them in the same place for two seconds, maybe they'll talk." [Jude gets up to leave.] "Where are you going?"
Jude: "To get me and Fish some brekkie."
Jen: "Fine. We'll come up with a plan."
[When Jude comes back with his breakfast, his friends still haven't come up with anything.]
Jude: "So, what's the plan for getting Nikki and Caitlin back together?"
Jude: "Then I guess it's time for Plan B."
Wyatt: "But we don't have a Plan A yet."
Jude: "Exactly. That's why it's time for Plan B."
Jonesy: "What's Plan B?"
Jude: "Fish and I have been talking, and we think we've figured something out."
[Jude and Wyatt, as paramedics, stand outside the women's restroom with a stretcher. Jen exits the bathroom looking injured and jumps onto the stretcher. The fake paramedics wheel it down to the fountain while Jonesy calls Nikki and Caitlin and tells them the bad news. The warring couple rush to the scene, but when they get there, they see each other and start to fight. While fighting, Nikki accidentally sets Jen's stretcher rolling; it takes a few seconds for anyone to notice, and by the time they do, Jen is flying through the mall. The stretcher goes down an escalator, and Jen winds up perched in a cactus.]
[Jen lies on a bench as Caitlin and Nikki pluck needles out of her butt.]
Jen: "Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ow!"
Starr: "I know this must hurt."
Jen: "Ow! Would you guys mind easing up on the thorns?"
Nikki: "This obviously isn't working."
Nikki: "Let's keep this simple. I get the east side of the mall, you get the west. Stay off my side."
Caitlin: "Fine!" [They turn their backs on each other and walk away.]
Jen: "I can't believe I took eighty thorns in the butt for nothing."
Jude: "So much for Plan B."
Jonesy: "Fish doesn't look so good."
[Fish is floating upside down in his bag, eyes still open and mouth hanging open.]
Jude: "Fish is fine, he's just chillin'."
Jude: "Or maybe he's having a nap. Fish?" [He taps the bag.] "Fish? Wake up, Fish."
Starr: "I don't think Fish is asleep, Jude."
Jude: "Then why won't he wake up?"
[The other four wait for the realization to sink in.]
Wyatt: "I'm sorry, man."
Jude: "Fish is...dead? Noooo!!! Fish!" [He clutches the bag close.]
[Jonesy is moping around at his job.]
Jonesy: "I can't believe I spray dudes with cologne for a living!"
[A man clears his throat and waits. Jonesy sprays it in the man's face. The man claws at his eyes, spits, chokes, and collapses, making disgusted noises all the way.]
Jonesy: "I feel your pain, man, that stuff tastes like crap."
Jonesy's Boss: "Ahem."
Jonesy: [chuckling nervously] "No accounting for taste? Heh? Heh?" [He gets no response.] "Right. I'll go pack up my locker."
[Jen is helping a customer select a tennis racket.]
Jen: "So you've got your choice of titanium–"
[Jude walks by, carrying Fish and sniffling.]
Jen: "Um, can you excuse me?"
[Jen dumps all the rackets in the customer's arms and runs after Jude.]
Jen: "Jude? Are you okay?"
Jude: "Fish was such an awesome little dude. I feel like I should do something for him."
Jen: "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."
[At the Big Squeeze, Caitlin receives a call.]
Jen: "Hey, bad news. Fish is dead."
Caitlin: "Oh, no."
Jen: "Yup. And Jude's pretty broken up about it. I'm planning a funeral."
Caitlin: "Oh, poor Jude. Wait. This isn't a ploy to get me and Nikki talking again, is it?"
Jen: "Trust me, no. But I hope Nikki shows up. Jude needs all his friends right now."
Caitlin: "Right. Where?"
Jen: "Loathsome washrooms. Four o'clock."
Caitlin: "Don't mention the washrooms! They're on Nikki's side of the mall, and I've been holding it in all day."
[Nikki, however, is more troublesome.]
Nikki: "No way. Not if Caitlin's gonna be there. Besides, the washrooms are on my side of the mall, not hers."
Jen: "Well you're gonna have to let her go to the bathroom at some point, Nikki. This is important. We're doing it for Jude."
[Nikki cracks open the door to the restroom. The stench hits her, and she covers her nose.]
Jen: "In here."
[Nikki walks in. Starr, Jude, Jonesy, Jen, and Wyatt are already there.]
Jen: "Where's Caitlin?" [Caitlin bursts in.]
Caitlin: "Be there in a sec!"
[Caitlin runs into a stall and urinates for a disturbingly long time.]
Caitlin: "Sorry. Kind of an emergency."
[Jude clears his throat, and Jonesy turns on some funeral music.]
Jude: "We are gathered here today to honor the short life of Fish. Fish was an awesome friend, an all-around cool little dude. Fish was great to go boarding with, even though he didn't really like to board, but he went with me anyway, 'cause that's what friends do. Fish was the strong silent type. He didn't have a lot to say, but he was there to listen. Even though we only knew each other for a day, I'll remember Fish forever."
[Silence descends upon the funeral party. Suddenly, Caitlin breaks the silence.]
Caitlin: "I'm sorry, Nikki, I've been a bad friend!"
Nikki: "Me too. Sorry. Look, do we have to do that thing, y'know, where we...make up?"
Caitlin: "Oh yes! I'll start. I'm so sorry I called you a cow. I totally didn't mean it. You might come across as mean sometimes, but you're honest, which is amazing."
Nikki: "Sorry I said you were shallow. Sure, you talk about boys and clothes a lot, but you also care about your friends. We're lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you. Friends?"
Caitlin: "Friends." [They hug. Caitlin realizes something.] "Oh, Jude, sorry! It's Fish's funeral."
Jude: "No worries. That was awesome! Even though Fish is dead."
Jonesy: "Whenever you're ready, dude."
Jude: "Ashes to ashes, and um, fish to toilet." [He dumps Fish's carcass into the waters of the toilet and flushes.] "Fish would've dug that."
[The gang and Starr are gathered by the Big Squeeze. Wyatt takes a sip of his coffee and sighs.]
Wyatt: [content] "No more hanging at the fountain."
Jude: "Fish liked it there."
Caitlin: "Nikki and I have something for you, Jude. We didn't really get to know Fish that well, and I hope it's not too soon."
[Caitlin sets a rock upon the counter. Jude stares at it.]
Jude: "Hmm." [He picks it up.]
Nikki: "It's a pet rock."
Caitlin: "It's, um–guaranteed not to die."
Jude: "Thanks, dudettes! Rocks rock. Well, c'mon, rock. You'll ride up front with me!" [He sets the rock on his skateboard.] "Later."
[Jude rides off. His rock is perched behind a new sticker on his board–a goldfish.]
[In the restroom, a toilet gurgles. On it is graffiti of a fish, and below it, two dates: 2005-2005.]