[A radio is playing, and Caitlin is singing along with it.]
Kylie and Caitlin: "...for a while, and you just play me for a fool/And you just wait!" [Jen and Nikki walk up.] "I said play me for a fool!"
Jen, Caitlin, and Kylie: "And you'll be mister yesterday!/You just play me for a fool/And oh, oh, oh, and walk away, walk away, walk away, yeah."
Jen and Caitlin: "EEEE!"
Nikki: [covering her ears] "Ugh!"
Caitlin: "That has to be the best Kylie Smylie song ever!"
Jen: "I can't believe she's actually coming to the mall tomorrow for a record signing and a concert!"
Caitlin: "Do you think one of us will win the 'Spend the Day with Kylie' contest?"
Jen: "Well, the essay I sent in to her website was pretty much the best essay I've ever written."
Caitlin: "Mine was five thousand words long!"
Jen: "What? Mine was only three thousand words!"
Nikki: "I'm sure word count has nothing to do with proving you're fans."
Caitlin: "We're not fans! We're Smylies."
Nikki: "Smylies? Don't you mean Stalkies?"
Jen: [gasping] "It's three o'clock! She should be sending out the winning phone message any second now!"
Caitlin and Jen: "Please pick me, please pick me!"
[A message pops up on Jen's phone.]
Jen: "EEEE!!!" [She opens the message.]
Kylie: [to Jen] "Hey, it's Kylie. Sorry, you lose! But like my song says, just 'cause you lost don't make you a loser."
Jen: "Uh, but my essay was so good!"
Nikki: "Well, on the upside, not winning means you're still semi-cool!" [Her phone beeps and she answers.]
Kylie: "Hey, it's Kylie. Sorry, you–"
Nikki: "Ah! Get out of my phone!" [She deletes the message.]
Caitlin: "You entered the contest too?"
Nikki: "As if I would voluntarily taint my phone with that. Must be a prank." [Caitlin's phone beeps.]
Kylie: "Hey, it's Kylie. Thanks for entering the contest, Caitlin." [Caitlin gasps.] "I can't wait to spend the day with you tomorrow! Because you won!"
Caitlin: "Woohoo! I won! Aah! EEE!"
Jen: "No fair! Two three-thousand word essays for nothing!"
Nikki: "Two?" [catching on] "You entered me in the contest!"
Jen: "What? I would've taken your spot."
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[Caitlin is pacing nervously.]
Caitlin: "How's my hair? Is my outfit okay? Anything in my teeth?"
Jen: "You look perfect. I'm so happy for you I could POUND SOMETHING!" [calmly] "Not that I'm jealous."
Caitlin: "It's okay, be jealous! I'm about to go with Kylie to a record signing, and a photo op, and watch her concert from the front row!"
[Jonesy rushes up. He is wearing a suit and sunglasses.]
Jonesy: "The name's Garcia. Jonesy Garcia. I'm part of Kylie's security detail."
Jen: "What?!? How did you qualify for the job?"
Jonesy: "I'm not at liberty to say."
[Jonesy remembers how it happened. He caught Ron dancing with a mannequin in his office.]
Ron: "Oh, Rastell, you're so graceful. It's like dancing with an angel."
Jonesy: "Ahem." [He uses his cell phone to take a picture.] "I know what you're thinking. What's it gonna take to keep this quiet?"
[Back in the real world, Jonesy chuckles.]
Jonesy: "Anyhoo, Kylie's in safe hands now. If anyone can spot a creep, it's me."
Nikki: "Takes one to know one."
Jonesy: "I can tell you're feeling insecure about this, babe, and rightly so."
Nikki: "I'm secure you'll be fired by lunch."
Jonesy: "The bodyguard-superstar relationship can get intimate. So if Kylie flirts with me–and she will–obviously I'll have to flirt back. But it won't mean anything, I swear."
Caitlin: "Don't even think about it! Kylie's not allowed to date until she's twenty-one, and her dadager will hurt any guy who even winks at her!"
Jen: "Dad-slash-manager. He used to be some pro wrestler, Sergeant–"
Jonesy: "Her dad is Sergeant Beef?!? The Alberta Hurta?!? He was a total beast!"
Jude: "Yeah, and he had a smokin' finishing move, too! The Cow Pie."
[Ron's cart pulls up, specially decorated. It has on it Ron, Kylie, and a very muscular man.]
Jonesy: [running over] "Special security detail Jonesy Garcia reporting for duty, sarge!" [to Kylie] "Pleasure's all mine." [Her father leaps forward, growling.] "Okay, no pleasure, just business!"
Caitlin and Jen: "EEE!" [Kylie walks up to them.]
Kylie: "You must be Caitlin. I'm Kylie. I love your outfit!"
Caitlin: "Thanks! I love your everything!" [They hi-five.] "These are my friends. Nikki?"
Jen: "I–uhb–bap-bap-bap–blub." [She slaps her forehead.]
Caitlin: "And Jude."
Jude: "You are crazy hot!"
Sgt. Beef: [standing up] "You lookin' fer a Cow Pie?"
Jude: [crawling away quickly] "N-no thanks, b-bro." [skating away] "Peace out."
Caitlin: "Is it okay if Jen gets a photo op with Kylie?"
Sgt. Beef: "Never gonna happen! Let's roll!" [Kylie and Caitlin get on.]
Jonesy: [trying to get on] "I'll just try–okay, well, I'll just squeeze–" [Beef picks him up and sets him down by the cart.] "Oh sure, I'll just run alongside. All day. No prob."
Caitlin: [as the entourage go past] "Bye!"
Jude: "I'M KING OF THE DUDES!"
[Jude skates down the escalator. When he gets to the bottom, though, two hands grab onto his underwear and hold him there, wedgied.]
Jude: [pained] "Release the gitch, bras."
Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "What'd you say?"
Jude: "I said, could you maybe, um, loosen the grip and let me ride?"
Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "No, I think you said you want a new hat."
[The girls hike Jude's underwear over his head and push him away.]
Jude: "Whoa! I'm not rolling!"
[Jen and Nikki walk through the mall.]
Jen: "I've never been so humiliated! I had my chance and blew it!"
Nikki: "Well there's always the record signing."
Jen: "You're right! I'll bring all my Kylie collectables and prove I'm not a total loser!"
Nikki: "Yeah, just a partial loser. Baby steps."
[Jonesy runs alongside the security cart.]
Jonesy: [sweating] "Whoo! Shoulda ate a bigger breakfast!"
Ron: "You need sulfides, Agent Maggot. No one gets near Smylie!"
Jonesy: [seeing the approaching fans] "Take her to warp speed! We're overrun!" [Ron increases the speed and they blow past him.] "Legs–on fire–everything–so sparkly."
Caitlin: [to Kylie] "What a life! It's so exciting! Do you bring your friends on the road?"
Kylie: "I don't really–have friends. No time!"
Caitlin: "Real friends come before everything. Except maybe for seriously hot guys."
Kylie: "Totally! If only daddy would let me meet a hot guy." [Her stomach rumbles.] "Oh! Um, know where we can get some grub?"
Caitlin: "I know the perfect place! Burger McFlipster's, please, driver!"
[Jude is going to try the escalator again.]
Jude: "The coast is clear...the dude will stunt." [He skates down the escalator.] "Woo-hoo-hoooo!!!" [Too late, he sees the Escalator Girls holding their arms out in a bar. He rams into the bar and goes flying, landing on his back.]
Jude: "Ow...not fair, dudettes! Neutral territory! And before you ask, no, I do not want a new hat!"
Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "How about a new outfit?"
[The girls grab Jude, pants him, tie his shirt into a belly shirt, tie his hands behind his back, put a rose between his teeth, and push him off on his skateboard.]
Jude: [rolling away] "Not cool!"
[Jen and Nikki are walking through the mall.]
Jen: "Okay. I've got all her DVDs, every Kylie Beat magazine, plus all her CDs, pins, socks, and press-on nails."
Nikki: "Wasn't the goal to look less creepy?"
Jen: "Hey!" [coming across Jude] "Jude?"
Nikki: "More like Judith. What happened?"
Jude: "Escalator Girls have a hate-on for the Judester."
Nikki: "Aw, what'd the Judester do to them?"
Jude: "Begged for mercy."
Jen: "Jude! You can't let 'em see you're scared! They feed on fear."
Nikki: "It's your mall as much as theirs. Next time, read 'em the riot act."
Jude: "You're right! I'll do it! Don't suppose you got a copy of that Riot Act on ya?"
[Wyatt is at work singing.]
Wyatt: "If your burger tastes like ribeye/Then we've done our job for you/If your burger tastes like doughnut/Then something wrong got through."
Caitlin: "Kylie, this is my friend Wyatt. Wyatt, this is Kylie!"
Wyatt: "Any friend of Caitlin's is a friend of mine."
Wayne: [spotting Kylie] "Holy Pop-tarts!"
Kylie: "I gotta say, you have an amazing singing voice."
Caitlin: "So does Kylie! You know that song, Awesome Awesome Awesome?"
Wyatt: "Sorry, never heard of it."
Caitlin: "Rad Tights? Hot to Trot? Spakin Good?"
Wayne: "Come on! Even I know Mr. Yesterday."
Wyatt: [to Wayne] "Oh, that song? Man, that's the worst song I ever heard!"
Caitlin: "Wyatt!" [She gestures to Kylie.]
Wyatt: "That's...you?" [feeling stupid] "Aw, man. I didn't mean–pop music isn't really my bag. But you have a really beautiful face–voice."
Kylie: "Oh, thank you."
Wyatt: "Here, let me make it up to you with a Wyatt Special. On the house." [He hands her a burger.]
Kylie: [eating] "Mmm. This is the best burger I've ever had."
Caitlin: "That's why we're here!"
[Jonesy walks into the store, panting and sweating.]
Jonesy: "Your dad scared me–uh, sent me–to tell you we have to be at Spin This for the record signing in two." [He leaves.]
Kylie: "'Kay. Thanks for the burger, Wyatt. Maybe I'll see you at the signing." [She leaves.]
Caitlin: "He'll be there!" [to Wyatt] "What Kylie wants, Kylie gets. EEEE!" [She leaves.]
Wayne: "She wants you. How did you do it, man?!?"
Wyatt: "I have no idea."
[An extremely large line stretches out the door of Spin This.]
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Wow, this line is full of winners!"
Jen: "I'm so excited, your sarcasm has no effect on me!"
Nikki: "Really? Then why am I even here?"
[Inside the store, Caitlin is sitting next to Kylie as she signs various pieces of memorabilia.]
Caitlin: [eating chocolate] "Security escorts, adoring fans, and endless bowls of chocolate? Being a pop star is the best!"
Kylie: "Yeah, it's okay. But between us, you know what I'd rather be doing right now?"
Caitlin and Kylie: "Shopping! EEE!"
Caitlin: "Pop quiz: accessories or shoes?"
Caitlin and Kylie: "Both! EEE!"
Serena: [walking up with some coffees] "Hey Kylie. Thanks again for doing this signing. Cappucino?"
Kylie: [taking one] "Thanks." [taking another] "And this one's for my best friend Caitlin."
Caitlin: "That's me! EEE!"
[Farther down the line, Sergeant Beef whistles. Jonesy comes up to him, drinking a bottle of water.]
Sgt. Beef: "You! Anyone with more than five items is a threat. So weed 'em out, starting with the babbler!" [He points at Jen.]
Jonesy: "Yeah." [going off to do his duty] "This isn't gonna be awkward."
[Wyatt walks up to Kylie.]
Kylie: "Wyatt! You came!"
Wyatt: "Wouldn't miss it for the world."
[Wyatt and Kylie look at each other, love in their eyes. Serena stares at them, shocked.]
[Jude is ready to try the escalator run again.]
Jude: "All clear for takeoff!"
[Jude goes down the escalator and does a jump at the end. Unfortunately, this jump sends him straight for the Elevator Girls, who have formed a pyramid and grab his board out from under him. Jude crashes.]
Jude: [crashed] "Okay bras. Can't we all just chill?"
[Jonesy is explaining the situation to Jen.]
Jonesy: "Yep, according to Beef, you have a 'threatening number of items'. So you gotta lose all but five pronto."
Jen: "But how can I not show her my Kylie tape? Or the grilled cheese she took a bite out of that I bought online?"
Jonesy: "Okay, cuckoo bird, let's smooth out the feathers and pick a fave five."
Jen: "Make an exception! We're family! Kylie, hey, over here! Caitlin, tell her I'm awesome!" [Sergeant Beef and Jonesy tow her away.] "Gah! No! I'm sane, I tell you! Not fair!"
[Nikki watches her friend get taken away. Caitlin grins nervously. Jude rolls up to Nikki. He is trussed up like a turkey and set on his skateboard.]
Jude: "So, I took your advice..."
Nikki: "Enough is enough! I'm gonna go set those escalator girls straight!"
Jude: "Could you set me straight first, bra?"
[Nikki doesn't hear Jude. Serena, meanwhile, grabs Wyatt and moves him a few feet away.]
Serena: "Wyatt, have you been working out?"
Wyatt: "Not unless flipping burgers counts."
Serena: "Oh, you. So, Chad and I broke up."
Wyatt: "Yeah? But, you'll get back together again eventually, right?"
Serena: "Not this time. He'll never be the man you are. I shouldn't have let you go."
Wyatt: "Really? Wow." [He looks back over to Kylie and Caitlin.]
Kylie: [to Caitlin] "Thanks for introducing me to Wyatt, he seems really sweet."
Caitlin: "He's an amazing songwriter, too."
Kylie: "Perfect boyfriend material!"
Caitlin: [shocked] "Wyatt? But your dad won't let you date until you're twenty-one!"
Kylie: "So you can help me! What daddy doesn't know won't hurt him."
Caitlin: "But what Wyatt doesn't know might."
Kylie: "Wyatt's so great, you have to help me ask him out while daddy's busy."
Caitlin: "Yeah, Wyatt's great, but he kinda needs all his fingers to play guitar, and if your daddy finds out–" [She realizes that Wyatt and Serena are holding hands.] "Oh thank goodne–I mean, darn it! Looks like Wyatt's getting back together with his ex." [Kylie slumps.] "Sorry Kylie."
[Jude follows Nikki up to the escalator. Nikki continues forward.]
Jude: "Be careful, bra! It's like they all share the same evil brain!"
Nikki: "Yeah! Hey! Escalator trolls! News flash: you don't own the mall!"
Black-Haired Escalator Girl: "Aw, wussy brought a bodygirl."
Nikki: "You three need to get a life! And some mouthwash, by the reek of it."
Jude: [worried] "Easy, Nikki."
Nikki: "You guys think you're so tough."
Nikki: "Well you're about as tough as a b–" [They pick her up.] "Hey! Hey, put me down!"
[As one, the escalator girls heave Nikki into a trashcan.]
Jude: [skating up to her] "Tried to warn you, bra."
Nikki: [getting out angrily] "This. Means. War!"
Serena: "So, will you give me another chance?"
Wyatt: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but no." [Serena gasps.] "I'm sorry, Serena. I never thought I'd get over you, but I have. Maybe it's time for you to do the same." [Wyatt walks back to Serena and Kylie.] "Okay. That was intense. I just told Serena that she needs to get over me. I'm the man!"
Kylie: "So–so–so you two aren't–cool!" [writing on his hand] "This is my private number? I'd love to see you again."
Wyatt: [high-pitched] "Really?" [deepening his voice] "Me too."
[Caitlin tries to warn him off. Wyatt looks puzzled, and Kylie looks at Caitlin.]
Caitlin: [faking a stretch] "Yay! This is so great! What could possibly go wrong?"
[Jen is watching people pass by in Kylie gear.]
Jen: [angry] "Go on, be happy! See what I care! Ooh, she signed my shirt, ooh, I'm so awesome."
[Nikki and Jude walk into a hardware store. Nikki's phone rings.]
Nikki: [answering] "Lemme guess, you're in a rubber truck on your way to a padded room?"
Jen: "Nope, I ran away before the truck arrived."
Nikki: "Well, thanks to the escalator girls, I now smell like coffee dregs and half-eaten tacos."
Nikki: [picking up a chainsaw] "But they will pay. Oh, yes they will."
Jen: "I hope it's easier than getting past Beef and Jonesy."
Nikki: "I hate to say it, but for once, he's actually good at his job."
Jen: "I know. It's so unfair! But Kylie's doing a photo op at Taj Mahome Video, and I have the perfect disguise. So, what are you gonna do about the escalator girls?"
Nikki: [holding up a drill] "I am going to break them."
[Ron pulls up to Spin This.]
Ron: "Special Ops Task Force ready for deployment. ETA, the next drop zone Taj Mahome Video. T-minus two minutes."
[Jonesy is walking towards the cart when Caitlin grabs him to stop him.]
Caitlin: [whispering] "Jonesy! Kylie's into Wyatt!"
Jonesy: "Our Wyatt? Dreads, low self-esteem Wyatt?"
Caitlin: [whispering] "Yes! And he's totally clueless about Kylie's dad and his no-dating rule!"
Jonesy: "That could be fatal."
Kylie: [patting the seat] "C'mon, BFF!"
Caitlin: "EEE! Coming!" [to Jonesy] "You have to warn Wyatt about Sergeant Beef before it's too late!"
Jonesy: "I'm on it!" [He takes his cell phone out and quickly texts.]
[Wyatt is working the grill when his phone dings. He picks it up and takes a look.]
Wyatt: [reading] "Kylie's hot but Beef is dangerous. Stay away?" [annoyed] "Still making jokes about me working at a burger joint? Weak."
[The entourage walks into Taj Mahome Video.]
Jonesy: [whispering to Caitlin] "Mission accomplished."
Cameraman: "Welcome, Kylie. Please stand here amongst our beautiful dancers."
Kylie: "Sure thing! Hi, everyone!"
[The girls all smile at her, except for the somewhat familiar-looking one on the end, who smiles and giggles. The music starts playing, and all but the last one dance in sync. The last one does a kick, and her shoe flies off and hits Sergeant Beef in the face.]
Ron: [leaping in front of Kylie] "Security breach! Lock it down! Lock it down!" [He walks over to the last dancer and rips off her veil.]
Jonesy and Caitlin: [shocked] "Jen?!?"
Jen: "I swear I'm not a stalker! Stalkers don't have boyfriends, but I do! Long distance, but still! Just sign my sandwich and let me smell your hair!" [Jonesy, Ron, and Beef grab her.] "Aah! I don't know why I just said that! I need a photo with you!"
Caitlin: [to Kylie] "I'm so sorry about that, she's very goal-oriented. But harmless, I swear!"
Kylie: "Hey, I owe her one for causing the distraction." [creeping off] "Wish me luck with Wyatt!"
Jen: [crazily] "I stood beside her! Kylie! Kylie! I smelled!"
Jonesy: "Hey, where is Kylie?"
Sgt. Beef: "Show starts in fifteen."
Jonesy: [to Caitlin] "Any idea where she went?"
[Wyatt is flipping burgers.]
Wyatt: "Whoa. Hi."
Kylie: "Anywhere we can be alone for a bit?"
Wyatt: "Really? Uh, yeah. I know just the place."
[Jonesy runs through the mall.]
Jonesy: "Kylie? Kylie?"
[The golf cart is heading in another direction.]
Caitlin: [calling] "Kylie? Everyone's looking for you, and whomever else you might be with!"
Sgt. Beef: [angry] "Is she with a boy?!?"
Caitlin: "You shouldn't get so mad. It makes your veins all bulgy and gross."
[Wyatt and Kylie are in the freezer of Burger McFlipster's.]
Wyatt and Kylie: [singing] "When I was alone, you brought me the dawn/I wish I was home, why have you gone?/Oh, why have you gone."
Wyatt: "Wow! That sounded so good, my goosebumps have goosebumps!" [Kylie giggles.]
Kylie: [giggling] "Caitlin was right. You're a great songwriter." [realizing] "Oh. No. The concert!"
[Jen walks through the mall, head down.]
Jen: [looking at her phone] "Sorry, Travis. I tried to get you a picture with Kylie."
Kylie: [wearing sunglasses] "Which way to the concert stage?"
Jen: "Through the food court, turn left."
Kylie: "Thanks. You're the best." [removing her sunglasses] "Say cheese!"
[Kylie grabs Jen's cell phone and uses it to take a picture of the two of them.]
Jen: "Kylie?" [The cart pulls up.]
Caitlin: "Look! Jen found Kylie, not Wyatt!"
Sgt. Beef: "Guess I had you wrong, babbler."
[Jonesy crawls up to the cart. Sergeant Beef picks up Kylie and Jen and sets them in the front seat.]
Jen: "I got my photo! EEE!"
[The cart peels off, leaving Jonesy behind.]
[Jen is in the front row with her friends.]
Jen: "I was sulking, and she asked me a question, and I answered, and she hugged me!"
Nikki: "Okay, and we're breathing now."
[Kylie takes the stage. The crowd cheers.]
Kylie: "You might be the one/Yeah you might be the guy/Play your cards right/And stick around a while/But play me for a fool/And you just wait!"
Jude: "Aw, yeah!"
Kylie: "I said play me for a fool!"
Caitlin: "I love you!"
Kylie: "And you'll be mister yesterday!/I said play me for a fool/And oh, oh, oh, walk away, walk away!"
Wyatt: [walking up to his friends] "Hey guys."
Caitlin: "I want a full report after the show."
Kylie: [finishing the song] "Thank you! Now I want to sing a new song by a special new friend. C'mon up, Wyatt!"
Jen and Caitlin: [shocked] "Wyatt?"
Jonesy: [shocked] "Wyatt?"
Wyatt: [shocked] "Wyatt?"
Kylie: "Don't let me down, Wyatt! C'mon!" [Wyatt heads for the stage.]
Caitlin: "Oh. I guess that makes sense too."
[Wyatt walks onstage, takes his guitar from Kylie, and begins to play.]
Jonesy: [to Sergeant Beef] "I can totally vouch for Wyatt, sir, he's solid gentleman material."
[Sergeant Beef takes Jonesy's sunglasses, crushes them in his hand, and lets the tiny fragments fall.]
Kylie: [singing] "On a cold and a rainy day/In a small cafe, yeah/I waited and waited for you."
Wyatt: "We had a seaside view/The walls we pushed through/I waited–"
Wyatt: "And waited–"
Wyatt: "And waited–"
Wyatt: "For you."
[The crowd begins to boo. Sergeant Beef growls.]
Kylie and Wyatt: "When I was alone, you brought me the dawn/I wish I was home, where have you gone–"
[The crowd begins to throw trash at them. Sergeant Beef growls and leaps onstage.]
[Sergeant Beef leaps on Wyatt. Jonesy jumps at the Sergeant and is thrown to the ground alongside Wyatt.]
Crowd: "Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie! Cow pie!"
[Sergeant Beef performs the requested move on Wyatt and Jonesy.]
Jonesy: [crushed] "Something tells me I'm fired."
[Caitlin, Jen, and Jonesy are gathered around the table.]
Caitlin: "I think I'm coming down from my celebrity high."
Jonesy: "At least you didn't wrestle an angry building!"
Jen: "Serves you right, keeping me away from Kylie all day."
Wyatt: [walking up to them] "Well, Beef says I can date Kylie." [He and Jonesy hi-five.] "In five years."
Jude: "Oh escalator girls, come out and play!"
[Jude is standing at the top of the escalator. The escalator girls wait for him at the base eagerly.]
Jen: "He does not want to live, does he?"
Jude: [attached to a bungee cord] "Check out this tasty mover! Eat my dust, bras!"
[Jude rides down the escalator. Inches away from the girls, his line goes taught, and he snaps back.]
[As the escalator girls watch, stunned, Nikki comes up behind each of them and gives out giant wedgies, pulling their underwear over their heads.]
Ron: [spotting them] "3-8-11s. Indecent Exposure of Underthings. Punishment: Immediate mall expulsion!"
[Nikki and Jude sit at their cheering table.]
Caitlin: "Yay! Way to go!"
Nikki: "Told you I'd take care of it."
Jude: "Bra, I will never doubt you. Or cross you. Again."