[Dark clouds fill the sky and thunder crashes around the mall as Ron walks by ready to protect its hallowed halls. At a hutlike food stand a goth girl is serving food to customers who act either stoned or rude.]
Jude: [walking up] "Excuse me bra, I'm looking for my girlfriend."
Nebula: "Hello, Jude."
[Jude looks over the girl and notices several disturbing things.]
Jude: "Gah! Starr? Is that you?"
Nebula: "My name is now Nebula."
Jude: "But what's with your clothes, and your hair, and your face? I mean, uh, your new...look."
Nebula: "Don't you like it? I'm a goth now."
Jude: "Sure, it's uh, uh, awesome, Starr."
Nebula: "It's Neb-u-la. As in dark and fathomless."
Jude: "Oh, okay, Nebula, dark and fabulous."
Nebula: "Fa-thom-less. Not fabulous. And you don't have to say that part. It's just Nebula."
Jude: "Okay, Nebula. So, you gonna change back into your regular clothes soon?"
Nebula: "No, Jude. This is the new me. My new friends and I can see through the thin veil of illusion that hides the underlying rot of the universe."
Jude: "New friends?"
Nebula: "I want you to meet them. I think you'll really like them."
Jude: "Awesome. So, you keeping that gargoyle dude on your lip?"
Jude: "And the chains?"
Jude: "Okay. That's cool, Starr."
Nebula: "Neb-u-la! And what's wrong with the chains?"
Jude: "It's just that yesterday you were into skateboarding and eating healthy food and now you're kind of a...downer."
Nebula: "My eyes have been opened to a whole new world, and it's not pretty."
Jude: [absorbing this] "Okay. So I'll catch you later, Starr." [He runs off.]
Nebula: [calling after him] "NEB-U-LA!"
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[Wyatt is reading a newspaper.]
Wyatt: "Check it out, Vampire with a Nail Gun is finally out!"
Jonesy: "Gentlemen, start your nail guns, we are going to the movies!"
Caitlin: "Ew! I am not paying money to watch some creepy guy run around murdering people."
Jen: "Good call, Caitlin. Let's go see The Guy of My Dreams."
Caitlin: "EEEE! Yes!"
Jonesy: "What? Two hours of wussy emo action? I don't think so."
Nikki: "At least it's something tasteful, not just blood and guts."
Wyatt: "Says here it's a terrifying masterwork by a director in the prime of his career."
Jonesy: "Tasteful blood and guts."
Wyatt: "And it's the goriest film since The Lethbridge Weed Trimmer Massacre."
Nikki: "Yeah, well, it's also restricted."
Jen: [chipper] "Darn, guess we'll just have to wait a few years."
Jonesy: "Not if we sneak in. That is, if you ladies aren't too scared."
Nikki: "Scared? Wh–you've got to be kidding me."
Jonesy: "Prove it."
Nikki: "Okay. If you two can stomach this gorefest, so can we. Right Jen?"
Jonesy: "You have to promise not to run screaming from the theater, though."
Jen: "So do you, mister fearless."
Jonesy: "Oh, don't you worry about me."
Jen: "Care to make it interesting?"
Jonesy: "Okay. Whoever pukes or leaves the theater first owes the other person a foot massage."
Jen: "Oh you are so on!"
Jonesy: "You are so rubbing my feet."
Jen: "Invest in a callous scraper, buddy, I've got some nasty ones."
[The table stares at her.]
Jonesy: "I'm outta here. Don't wanna be late for my awesome new job."
Caitlin: "Where are you working, Jonesy?"
Jonesy: "Nice Lamps opened a new kiosk at the back of the mall. All they sell is wind-up flashlights."
Wyatt: "What's so awesome about that?"
Jen: "Who would go all the way to some kiosk just to buy a flashlight?"
Jonesy: "Exactly! It's the slackest gig I've ever had. No customers, no work. See you guys at the movies."
[Jonesy leaves, and Jude walks up. Jude has a stunned look on his face.]
Caitlin: "Jude, are you okay?"
Jen: "You look like you just saw a ghost or something."
Wyatt: "Seriously, what's wrong, Jude?"
Jude: [monotone] "Starr isn't Starr anymore."
Nikki: "What do you mean?"
Jude: [cheerful] "Yesterday she was my awesomely hot Starr!" [depressed] "And today she's a goth."
[Lightning crashes and shakes the mall.]
Nikki: "Ooh, sorry to hear that."
Jen: "Goths are a bit depressing."
Caitlin: "Oh, I know what's happened here."
Jude: "You do?"
Caitlin: "Yep." [picking up a magazine] "You're in makeover shock. Here it is: The Boyfriend's Guide to Makeover Mishaps. When a girl tries out a whole new look, she turns to her boyfriend for the ultimate feedback."
Nikki: [under her breath] "No pressure."
Caitlin: "Whether your new style is urban chic or romantic retro, your love mate needs to hear that she's the most beautiful girl in the world."
Jude: "Cool." [thinking] "But what if she gets her lip pierced? With a gargoyle?"
Wyatt: "Well...that can be hot."
Jude: "You think so, dude?"
Wyatt: "Uh..." [giving up] "No."
Nikki: "I've got some advice for you. Run."
Caitlin: "Nikki! Trust me, Jude. It'll work."
[Jude is talking on the phone as he walks towards Jonesy's new job.]
Jude: "I just wanted you to know that no matter what color your face is, I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world."
Nebula: "I'm a goth now. Don't you like it?"
Jude: "No, I don't have anything against pasty white–"
Nebula: "This is confusing."
Jude: "But Starr–"
Jude: "Sorry, Nebula."
Nebula: "I need to try–for–just–just forget it."
Jude: "Bye." [He hangs up and sits down by Jonesy's booth.]
Jonesy: "Chick trauma?"
Jude: "Starr's gone all goth, and I think she's losing interest in ol' Jude here. I'm being seriously left behind, dude."
Jonesy: "So dress like a goth."
Jude: "I'm no goth, bro."
Jonesy: "Hey, if she doesn't like who you are, be somebody else! I do it all the time." [He pulls out his phone and dials.]
Caitlin: [answering] "Hello?"
Jonesy: "Jude here needs a makeover, pronto."
Caitlin: "Send him over. I'm on it."
Jonesy: [hanging up] "Problem solved."
[Jude blinks, trying to get accustomed to the idea.]
[Jude and Caitlin are hiding under a table and spying on Vegan Island.]
Jude: "Why are we spying on Starr? I mean Nebula?"
Caitlin: "There are several breeds of goth. We need to assess what kind of goth Starr is before we make you over." [Nebula comes out of the back, and she gasps.] "Hardcore goth. It's worse than I thought."
Jude: "Told you, dude!"
Caitlin: "No worries. We can do this. C'mon." [She drags him off.]
[Jude and Caitlin then proceed to go shopping. The first stop is the Khaki Barn, where Jude gets a T-shirt with a skull in it that, to give some personality to it, Nikki cuts strategically. They then move to a pet store, and a hardware store for chains. Caitlin and Jude then hit the spa, where Jude gets his hair died a brownish-red color, approximately the shade of dried blood. They finish up back at the Big Squeeze, where Caitlin applies plenty of face and eye makeup to Jude in order to give him an authentic Gothic look.]
Caitlin: [finishing with Jude's look] "Ooh, that's good!"
[The goths are waiting outside the theater.]
Marilyn: "We're going to miss the previews."
Nebula: "Jude's probably on his way."
Morgana: "We'll give him one more minute, and then we're going in."
[Lightning crashes and a shadow falls on the wall by Nebula. She gasps. Jude the Goth has arrived.]
Jude the Goth: "Hey S–" [deepening his voice] "I mean, Nebula."
Nebula: "What happened to you, Jude?"
Jude the Goth: "It's not Jude anymore? It's Judas. Dark and, uh...dark."
Morgana: [leading the goths into the theater] "Cool. Let's go in."
[The goths go in. Jude's friends file by a poster for Vampire with a Nail Gun.]
Jonesy: "Now remember, just play it cool and act like we belong here." [They come to the ticket counter.]
Usher: [stopping them] "Nice try. This is an R-rated film? Adults Only? Blow."
[Jonesy, Wyatt, Jen, and Nikki turn around, shoulders slumped.]
[The four attempted moviegoers are standing in the lobby.]
Jen: [chipper] "What a shame we can't see the gory movie. I'm bummed."
Wyatt: "Maybe we should just get a coffee and split."
Jonesy: "No way. We're getting into this movie."
Nikki: "So what's your plan B, Einstein?"
[Jonesy looks at the poster for Vampire with a Nail Gun and smiles. The goths walk up to the usher and are let in. Meanwhile, the poster starts walking, the four teenagers concealed behind it.]
Wyatt: "Uh, Jonesy?"
Marilyn: [as the usher lets them in] "So where did you get that dark and dreaded dog collar, Judas?"
Judas: "Pet Planet."
Marilyn: "Not bad."
[The teens have snuck into the theater.]
Jonesy: "Well, I say we grab these front row seats. Unless you're scared."
Jen: "Please." [They sit down.]
Jonesy: "You want it so you can almost feel the splatter."
Jen: [nervous] "Splatter?"
[The goths have taken seats much farther back in the theater.]
Judas: "You sure you guys don't want to sit closer to the front?"
Morgana: "Only losers sit in the front row."
Marilyn: "Yes. They shall be destroyed when our dark master comes to claim the earth."
Judas: "Whoa. Dark master? Sounds heavy. Do I get to meet him?"
Nebula: "We all meet him eventually. He's the great reaper. The judge of souls. The eternal leveler. Death."
Judas: "Oh. Cool."
Morgana: "Silence! It's starting."
[The movie begins.]
Actress: "Hey, you're not a plumber! And what's with the nail gun?"
Vampire: "You can hear the raven, flapping its dark wings."
[Jonesy and Wyatt cling onto each other, Jen screams, and Nikki covers her eyes as the slaughter begins.]
Morgana: "This is so predictable. Reminiscent of Vampire with a Welding Torch."
Marilyn: "Childish, really."
Nebula: "Rather tame, isn't it, Judas?" [receiving no response] "Jude?"
[Jude has sunken low in his chair and is quivering. At the front of the theater, his friends have the same reaction.]
Wyatt: "Why is he going back into the house? Is he stupid? Logically, you call the police! If I ever get trapped in a house with a vampire with a nail gun, promise me you'll call the police!"
[Jen retches. Nikki covers her eyes.]
Jonesy: [gulping, scared] "So looking forward to that sweet foot massage!"
[Suddenly, the sounds of blood and gore stop.]
Actor: "We're safe here."
Actress: "That vampire will never find me in this closet."
Jonesy, Wyatt, Jen: "NOOOOOO!!!"
[Near the end of the movie, Jen has gone nearly catatonic. Jonesy and Wyatt are clinging to each other.]
Actor: "I've never seen anyone go like that. I bet it'll be raining vampire meat for three weeks."
[Bile fills Jen's mouth, and she pukes into the now nearly empty popcorn tub. Movie over, Jonesy and Wyatt are able to let go of each other. Jonesy looks over and sees the puke-filled popcorn tub.]
Jonesy: "Hey, she puked! She puked! Yes! Foot massage, here I come!" [He and Wyatt hi-five.]
[Suddenly, lightning crashes again. Screams fill the theater, and the lights go out, making the screams increase in volume.]
Jen: "Where are you guys? I can't see a thing!"
Jonesy: "Hey wait, I've got a flashlight!" [He turns it on, illuminating him, Nikki, and Wyatt.] "I bet this is the first thing I've ever sold that's actually useful." [Jen runs up to them, scared.]
Jen: "Great! Lead the way!"
[Jonesy shines the light forward, and it falls on five familiar pale-faced people.]
Jonesy, Wyatt, Jen, and Nikki: "AAAAAAAHHHH!"
Wyatt: [hiding behind Jonesy] "It's the vampire with a nail gun!"
Judas: [walking towards them] "Dudes, it's me. Jude."
Jonesy, Nikki, Jen, and Wyatt: "Jude?"
[The usher comes up to them, waving his flashlight around.]
Usher: "Alright, everyone move towards the nearest emergency exit." [muttering] "It smells like puke in here."
[Jen's friends look at her, and she laughs sheepishly.]
Nikki: "We can't leave without Caitlin! She's at the Squeeze."
Jonesy: "This way. C'mon." [He leads them out of the theater. On the way, Jen drops the bag of puke, leaving it for the theater personnel to clean up.]
[Jonesy leads his friends and the goths through the mall.]
Jen: "It's so creepy with all the lights out!"
Morgana: "These friends of yours are totally infantile losers, Nebula."
Nebula: "They aren't so bad."
Wyatt: "What's with the getup, Jude?"
Jonesy: "Yeah. I almost dropped a friend in my pants."
Judas: "You're the one who told me to dress like a goth, dude."
Wyatt: "Yeah, but you look like some messed up mime or something."
Marilyn: "You should embrace your dread and your inner darkness. It's–" [something clatters] "Oop, hold on. Everybody stop. I dropped my retainer." [Wyatt walks back to help him search and steps on something.]
Wyatt: "I think I just found it." [He picks it up and hands it to Marilyn.] "Sorry, man."
Morgana: "Your mom's going to have a cow. That's the second one this month."
Wyatt: "Oh, here's another piece." [He gives it to Marilyn.]
Jonesy: "We're almost at the Big Squeeze."
Jen: "Don't you think you should be at work, Jonesy? I mean, some people may want to buy a flashlight."
[At the flashlight stand is gathered an angry mob who all want some flashlights.]
Angry Man: "I've been waiting for half an hour!"
[Caitlin peeks out of the Big Squeeze.]
Caitlin: "Over here!" [She throws open the lid.] "I am so glad you guys came back for me!"
Morgana: "Fellow goths, gather round. Feel the darkness envelop us. Listen as the bats and demons rise from the–"
Caitlin: "Haley?" [Morgana stops.] "Is that you?"
Morgana: [unimpressed] "Do I know you, mortal?"
Caitlin: "It's me, Caitlin! From tennis camp!"
Morgana: "My name is Morgana. Mistress of Macabre."
Marilyn: [chuckling] "Tennis camp?"
Morgana: "Yeah. Well we can't all do dark things, like work at Double Dip Ice Cream."
Marilyn: "Oh, you just look so goth in your Bargain Bay uniform!"
Nebula: "Guys! Let's all just calm down."
Caitlin: "I'll pour us some warm lemonades."
Morgana: "Oh, that'll really help, lemon girl!"
Jen: [annoyed] "You know, we didn't ask you to come here."
Morgana: "Fine. Let's go, you guys." [The goths turn to leave and run straight into a flashlight beam.]
Ron: "Nobody's going anywhere! Listen up, hooligans. Nobody moves. This mall is in lockdown!"
Ron: "Do you have a problem with that! Do you!"
Marilyn: [shaken] "Not really, no."
Ron: "I'm going to finish my search for survivors now. I want all of you right here when I get back!"
Jen: [worried] "Survivors? Were people killed?"
Ron: "Technically...no. But I'm not taking any chances." [He trips over a chair.] "Ow!"
[The teens and goths giggle at Ron's mishap as Ron gets up, angry. He shines his light on them, and the laughter stops. Ron leaves them alone as he goes to continue his search.]
Marilyn: "I hope the rapiers of the deaths rise up and sever his head."
Marilyn and Wyatt: "What a jerk." [They look at each other, stunned at having spoken together.]
[Candles decorate the tables of the goths and the teens.]
Judas: "Good thing you guys carry a lot of candles."
Nebula: "They're for our dark rituals."
Judas: "Oh. Right." [after a silent beat] "Okay, so let's say a vampire is in outer space, where there is no night or day."
Judas: "Would a vampire die? Because technically, there is no sunrise or sunset."
Nebula: [whispering] "You are embarrassing me!"
Judas: "Sorry, Starr."
Nebula: [whispering] "Neb-u-la!!!"
Morgana: "Like this clown will ever understand our allegiance to darkness."
Nikki: "'Allegiance to darkness'? Uh, take a look around. We're in the food court, at a mall. Not an obvious recruitment location for the Lords of Darkness."
Morgana: "Coming from a poser like you, that doesn't mean much."
Nikki: "What did you call me?"
Morgana: "You heard me."
Nikki: "I'm a poser? If you guys are so into death, how come you're all still alive?"
Nebula: "She's got a point."
Morgana: [growling] "Silence!"
[Jen pushes her chair back, and a fart noise is heard. Her friends laugh.]
Jonesy: [laughing] "Jen, whoa! I didn't think you had it in you!"
Jen: "It was the chair! Squeaking against the floor!" [She tries to recreate the noise.] "The chair made the sound! The chair!"
Wyatt: [laughing] "Sure, Jen."
Judas: [laughing] "We believe you."
[Jen looks over and sees the goths are laughing as well.]
Jen: [furiously trying to recreate the noise] "It went like this! No no no! Like this! No! No!" [Jen fails to make the chair fart.]
Jonesy: "Face it. You farted."
Jen: "I dare you to come over and sniff the air! I dare you!"
Ron: [walking up to them angrily] "Who said you detainees could speak? Huh? Hmm-hah-hmm-huh?" [Ron waves his flashlight around to emphasize his point. The teenagers fall silent.] "Now this is how I like it. Everyone meekly doing what I tell them. Just like meek little–ehm–meek people."
[Ron pushes Jen's chair in, and it farts. Everybody but Ron breaks into laughter.]
Ron: "Quiet, soldiers!"
Marilyn: [laughing] "Or else what?"
Jonesy: [laughing] "He might fart on us!"
Ron: "Just do it!" [Sensing he's lost control of the situation, he leaves, on the way tripping over the same chair he tripped over earlier.] "Ow!"
[Ron's mishap makes the teens laugh harder. As soon as he leaves, Jonesy turns on his flashlight.]
Jonesy: "Coast clear?"
Jen: "Then let's boogie!"
Judas: "I'll stand watch for the security dude."
[Ron is trying to help a man on the stopped escalators.]
Ron: "It's okay, sir. Just make your way up the escalator."
Penalty Box Customer: "No. I'm afraid."
Ron: [perturbed] "When they aren't moving they're just like stairs. You've uh, climbed stairs before, haven't you, sir?"
Penalty Box Customer: "No. I live in a bungalow."
[Inside the closed Penalty Box, the friends are playing basketball.]
Jonesy: [with the ball] "You can't stop the lightning. You can't stop the thunder. You can't stop the fire or you'll get burned, Nikki!"
Morgana: [watching] "Sports are so juvenile."
Marilyn: [unenthusiastic] "I guess."
Nikki: "Bring it onnnn."
Jonesy: "You asked for it!"
[Jonesy steps forward to take a shot, and she knocks him over.]
Nikki: "You can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen, thunder boy!"
[The ball rolls over to Marilyn, who picks it up.]
Jen: "Take a shot, Marilyn!"
[Marilyn runs up and dunks the ball. The teens cheer.]
Ron: [hearing them] "Maggots!" [He lets go of the man he's helping and runs off.]
Penalty Box Customer: [falling down the escalator] "Ow ow ow ow ow!" [pained] "Ow oooohhhh."
Jen: "That was awesome."
Marilyn: "Junior varsity captain, regional champions."
Nikki: [fanning herself] "It's getting hot with no A/C."
Marilyn: "Yeah. My foundation is running."
Nikki: "I've never heard a guy say that before."
Marilyn: "Hey! I know what we need."
[The gang and the goths exit the ice cream shop, each carrying a cone.]
Wyatt: "Hey thanks, man."
Marilyn: "They were gonna have to throw it all out anyway."
Jonesy: [to Morgana] "I know a guy who owns a coffin dealership, he might let us try out the merchandise."
Caitlin: "Watch out, Morgana."
Jonesy: "Hey, I'm just making conversation."
Morgana: "Well he is kinda cute." [She and Caitlin chuckle.]
Judas: [running up to them] "Five-oh! Ron's heading back to the food court!"
[Ron is checking out the Penalty Box. He shines his light on the discarded basketball.]
[The teens are running towards the food court when Judas stops. A couple of them drop their ice creams. Ron is dead ahead, looking around.]
Judas: [whispering] "Slide into reverse, dudes!"
[The teens quickly head the other way. Ron, hearing something, comes over and shines his light on the dropped desserts.]
[Ron runs down to the food court and shines his light on an empty table.]
Ron: "Ah ha! I knew it."
Nikki: "Evening, officer." [Ron moves his light to the gang's table. Everyone is there.] "Looking for someone?"
Penalty Box Customer: "Help. Somebody help me."
Ron: "As you were." [He zips off to attend to the downed man.]
[The teens are now hanging out of the fountain. Wyatt is playing his guitar for them. Judas and Nebula sit slightly apart from the larger group.]
Nebula: "Do you feel the dread and despair in the air, Judas?"
Judas: "Uh...no. But I'm psyched that our friends are into each other!"
[Nebula sighs. Wyatt is playing and singing a song.]
Wyatt: "Seems like some good friends/Can keep us all apart/But deep inside the things you hide/Give you somewhere new to start."
[Wyatt finishes playing, and the teens applaud.]
Morgana: "That was so beautiful."
[The lights fizzle and flicker back on. The teens let out a collective groan.]
Wyatt: "I guess we can all go home now."
Morgana: "Or you can play one more song."
[The group cheers this suggestion, and Wyatt starts strumming his guitar again.]
[Jen has snapped on some rubber gloves and is going to work on Jonesy's feet.]
Jonesy: "Take your time. And don't forget between the toes."
Nikki: "Heard you got fired. Again."
Jonesy: "Hey, how was I supposed to know some freak storm would make everyone want flashlights?"
Jen: [picking out a piece of white stuff] "Ew! Ugh! Gross! This better be lint."
Jonesy: "Don't worry, I washed them."
Jen: "Thank you."
Jonesy: "Last week."
[Jonesy laughs at her discomfort.]
[Judas and Nebula are hanging out by the fountain.]
Judas: "Sick party yesterday. Your friends are awesome."
Judas: "It's Judas."
Nebula: "I really think it's cool that you did all this for me, but–"
[Nebula pauses, trying to find the right words. Eventually, she gives up and plunges ahead.]
Nebula: "I don't think we should go out anymore." [Judas sags.] "It's not that I don't like you! A lot. We had really good times together."
Judas: "Yeah. Awesome times."
Nebula: "It's just–I need to try some new things. Meet new people."
Judas: "Yeah. I hear ya."
Nebula: "We'll still be friends though, right?"
[Judas and Nebula look at each other, sadness in their eyes and silence in the air.]
Jude: [acquiescing] "Sure. But I'm always gonna call you Starr, okay?"
Starr: [kissing him] "'Kay."
[Starr walks off, leaving her ex-boyfriend standing alone and sad by the fountain.]