[Jonesy is talking to his friends as they walk through the mall.]
Jonesy: "...and I got it."
Nikki: "What are you rambling about? You're a secretary at a travel agency."
Jonesy: "A secretary? I'm a call center representative."
Jen: "I've never seen you this excited about work before, Jonesy."
Jonesy: "A, my desk has a giant LCD screen, and c, they have high-speed internet."
Wyatt: "Which means b, you don't actually have to do any real work."
Jonesy: "I get paid to play video games all day!"
[Jonesy and Jude hi-five. They come upon Jonesy's workplace. A girl is already inside.]
Jonesy: "Hey, that must be my co-worker." [shaking her hand] "I'm Jonesy, the new guy."
Joanie: "Hey. My name's Joanie." [Jonesy takes a seat. His friends walk up to Joanie.] "Can the new guy help you?"
Caitlin: "We're just here to wish Jonesy good luck on his first day."
Joanie: "Doesn't need luck. We get paid to play video games all day."
Jonesy: "I just told them the same thing!"
Joanie: [to Jonesy] "What's wrong with your friends?"
[Jude and Wyatt are staring at her.]
Jude: "You're pretty."
[The girls roll their eyes. A call comes in, but Joanie ignores it.]
Jonesy: "Aren't you gonna answer that?"
[Joanie crumples up her finished cup of soda and tosses it into the trash.]
Joanie: "Woohoo! Three points!"
[Trying to upstage her, Jonesy also makes an attempt. His misses.]
Joanie: "What do you think you're doing? You have work to do!" [after a beat] "On your free throw shot!" [She hands him a travel brochure, and Jonesy begins practicing.]
Jonesy: "Ahhaha! I like your style!"
[Jonesy and Joanie toss brochures at the trash. All of them miss.]
Nikki: [watching] "Look, Jonesy's got a new playmate. Isn't that sweet."
Jude: "She's not sweet. She's smokin'!"
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[The girls walk up to the Khaki Barn.]
Jen: "I don't think I've ever seen Jonesy so happy in a job."
Nikki: "Well, he seems to be getting along great with that Joanie girl."
Caitlin: "Wow, Nikki! I'm totally impressed by your self-control!"
Nikki: "You've lost me."
Caitlin: "You don't sound jealous at all that Jonesy is working with that–"
Jude: [skating past] "Smoking hottie!" [losing control] "Whoa!" [He crashes into something.] "Ow!"
Nikki: "Jealous? Please. I'm happy that Jonesy's finally found his dream job."
[The girls walk inside and bump into Jen's older sister.]
Jen: "Courtney!" [happily] "What are you doing here?"
Courtney: "I'm just in town to run some errands. Don't tell Mom, or I'll get roped into a big family thing."
Jen: [winking] "My lips are sealed."
Courtney: "Hey Caitlin. You're just as pretty as I remember."
Caitlin: "Thanks, Courtney!"
Courtney: [to Nikki] "And you're, uh, fun too, Nikki."
Nikki: "Nice to see you too, Courtney."
Courtney: "I gotta go. Bye!"
Caitlin: "Bye!" [Courtney leaves.]
Jen: "Me too, my shift starts in five. Sorry about the drive-by Courtneying."
Caitlin: "I thought she was lovely."
Nikki: "You would." [Jen leaves.]
Chrissy: "Omigosh, it's the cutest ever! Mohair mini-sweater dresses!"
The Clones: "EEEEEE!"
Kirsten: [looking at Nikki] "They wouldn't look good on you, Nikki, you're too big-boned for mohair."
Nikki: "I'm gonna introduce you to my fist bone if you don't quit your cackling!"
[The Clones gasp and rush away from Nikki.]
[Jen has made it to the Penalty Box.]
Coach Halder: "Masterson! We kick off in five minutes, and you waltz right in here like it's a halftime show!"
Jen: "I'm right on time, Coach."
Coach Halder: "Save your excuses! By the way, where do we keep the ping pong paddles?"
Jen: "In the ping pong paddle aisle? Bottom shelf."
Coach Halder: "I don't know where anything is around here! We need a storewide inventory, pronto! And you're team captain! Thanks for volunteering."
Jen: "Yes. Coach." [She walks over to Jude, who is looking at skateboards.] "I hate inventory! Counting every sports sock, every golf ball–it's so mind-numbingly boring!"
Jude: "I love mind-numbing. One day, I counted every single blade of grass on my front lawn."
Jude: "But I lost count after eight hundred and seventy-five thousand when I went to take a pee and forgot to mark my spot where I left off. So, I started again."
Jen: "That's great, Jude. Sounds like you'd be great for inventory. How about it?"
Jude: "Sure, bra."
Jen: "Great! Now all I have to do is convince Coach."
[Jonesy walks into Burger McFlipster's and has a seat at the counter, where Wyatt is working.]
Jonesy: "Hey Wyatt. I'm on my second break."
Wyatt: "But you only started work an hour ago."
Jonesy: "I know! My new job rocks! Give me two orders of chicken fingers."
[Joanie walks into work and has a bite of the chicken fingers off of the plate Wyatt is eating.]
Joanie: "Studies show that eating spicy chicken fingers improves employee performance."
Joanie: "Is he slow?"
Jonesy: "Slow with the chicken fingers? Yes."
[Wyatt quickly gives Jonesy and Joanie their orders. The two walk out. Wyatt sighs. Suddenly, a spitball slams into his eye.]
Joanie: "Yes! I totally nailed that one!"
Jonesy: "You are a true artiste."
[Jonesy and Joanie walk away laughing. Wyatt sighs.]
[Ron drives by the table with Pokey the Panda sitting arrested in the back.]
Jonesy: "Joanie has the best ideas. And not for saving the planet or anything! Fun stuff, like water balloons!"
Nikki: [annoyed] "Yeah. She's a real giver."
Wyatt: "I become this babbling idiot whenever Joanie's around!"
Jonesy: "No, you think?"
Wyatt: "She's just so smoking hot!" [Nikki looks at him angrily.]
Caitlin: "You're never gonna guess who we ran into today!"
Jonesy: "You should hear Joanie's belch! It's louder than this!" [He belches. A louder belch comes from behind him.]
Caitlin: [annoyed] "Go ahead! Guess!"
Jonesy: "Is break time over?"
Joanie: "Don't worry. As long as we're only three minutes late from a break, no one can say anything, but it adds to a whole day of paid vacation every year!"
Jonesy: "Oh, man, that is genius! Huh, Nikki?" [He and Joanie walk away.]
Nikki: "Jonesy, didn't you forget something?" [She purses her lips for a kiss.]
Jonesy: "Oh yeah." [He comes back and grabs his soda.] "Bye everybody."
Caitlin: "Ahem! We saw Courtney!"
Nikki: "Ugh!" [She gets up and stomps away.]
Caitlin: [to Wyatt] "I tried."
[Jonesy is playing a game when Joanie sets a box on the counter.]
Jonesy: "What's that for?"
Joanie: "It's a donation box to help the hungry."
Jonesy: "Who's hungry?"
Joanie: "Me. Wasn't I cute?" [Jonesy looks at the old picture of Joanie on the box.]
Jonesy: "Isn't that, like, wrong or something?"
Joanie: "Jonesy, Jonesy, Jonesy. People don't make donations to help the poor and hungry. They do it to make themselves feel better. And for the tax write-off." [to an old lady] "Donate a dollar for the hungry?" [The old woman drops a coin in the box and moves off.] "Score! Curly fries, here we come!"
Jonesy: "You're my hero."
[Coach Halder is interviewing Jude.]
Coach Halder: "So, Masterson tells me you want to play on the Penalty Box team."
Jude: "Yes sir, Coach dude!"
Coach Halder: [holding up his hand] "Quick, how many fingers?"
Jen: [whispering] "No, five!"
Coach Halder: "That's right, son! Four fingers, one thumb! Most morons would have answered five. You, me, and Masterson are in a boat. We need to lighten the load if we're gonna win the race. Quick, who do you throw overboard?"
Jude: "Jen's the best swimmer."
Jen: [flattered] "That is true."
Coach Halder: "I'd sink like a stone! Nice. You're hired!"
Jude: "Sweet! I'm hired!" [He hi-fives Jen.]
[Jonesy and Joanie are at Wonder Taco.]
Joanie: "Four orders of spicy curly fries, please." [She dumps some money out of the box onto the counter.] "I know this looks bad, but the fundraisers have to eat too."
Julie: "Uh-huh." [She goes off and gets them their food.]
Jonesy: "I bet I can eat these in five seconds or under."
Joanie: "No way. I'll take that action. Let the fry-off begin!"
[Wyatt and Caitlin are walking through the mall. Suddenly, Caitlin stops.]
Caitlin: "Wyatt, look!" [Joanie feeds Jonesy a curly fry.] "Did you see that? Joanie's feeding Jonesy curly fries!"
Wyatt: "Maybe Jonesy's just really hungry?" [Caitlin doesn't comment.] "I tried."
[Jen walks up to Jude, who is counting bras.]
Jen: "Inventory sucks."
Jude: "No, bra, I love it. Kind of like guided meditation." [counting] "One sports bra, two sports bras, three sports bras–"
Jen: "Just stay out of Coach's way. He bites."
Jude: "No problema, amiga."
[Wyatt and Caitlin run into the store.]
Caitlin: "Jen! We have a total emergency!"
Jen: "Bigger than that pile of sports bras Jude is counting?"
Caitlin: "Way bigger." [She pulls Jen out of the store.]
[The party has moved to the Khaki Barn.]
Caitlin: "Maybe you should take a seat first, Nikki."
Nikki: "Caitlin, I'm busy. I don't have time for this."
[The store is empty of all save Wyatt, Nikki, Jen, and Caitlin.]
Nikki: "Fine. So I'm not busy. Can you make it quick anyway?"
Caitlin: "Brace yourself. Joanie was feeding Jonesy curly fries."
Jen: "Aw, Nikki! If you need a hug–"
Nikki: "I don't need a hug! Why should I care if Joanie gave Jonesy something to eat?"
Jen: "Let her hear it, Caitlin."
[Caitlin pulls out her cell phone and shows Nikki an animation of a girl feeding a guy and having him fall in love with her.]
Animation: "The way to a boy's heart is through his stomach."
Nikki: "What was that?"
Caitlin: "Girl Talk podcast. Never miss it."
Nikki: "Uh, I refuse to take dating advice from some stupid cell phone." [She snatches it away from Caitlin.]
Caitlin: "Hey! That's my stupid cell phone!"
[Three skaters ride through the Penalty Box, off a ramp, and back out again.]
Skater #1: [to Jude] "Wicked."
Skater #2: [to Jude] "Yo."
Skater #3: [to Jude] "Dude."
Jen: [seeing the ramp] "Jude! Where did that come from?"
Jude: "I had to take the boxes out of the stockroom to count them. And, a ramp was born."
Jen: "We gotta get rid of this right away!" [The skaters come through again.]
Coach Halder: "Why are there so many little punks in my store?" [seeing the ramp] "What is that?!?"
Skater #3: "Your store rocks, coach dude." [He buys a skateboard and walks away.]
Coach Halder: [sniffing the bills] "Ah, the sweet smell of profit! I can't remember the last time Masterson hit a home run like this! How'd you like to join our sales team, Jude?"
Jen: [shocked] "What?!?"
Jude: "Store's got a harsh vibe, dude. Not sure if it's really my scene."
Coach Halder: "Then make it your scene! Lace up your skates, boy, 'cause you're my new right-winger!"
[A long line of customers is waiting to get service at the travel agency.]
Jonesy: [playing a game against Joanie] "Your king is dead and your village is in ruins! Surrender, foe!"
Joanie: "Whatever, dork. You think you can defeat me that easily?"
Jonesy: "Aw, man. How'd your army get so big so fast?"
Sophisticated Man: "Ahem. Do you have any tickets for the Museum of Civilization?"
Joanie: "No, but I just plunged his civilization back into the Dark Ages! Now what do you say?"
Jonesy: "Congratulations, Joanie. You are now the builder of civilizations."
Joanie: [wrestling with him] "You're a disgrace to the Jonesmiester name!"
[Jonesy and Joanie laugh as they wrestle. After a time, they settle down, looking romantic. Nikki and Caitlin come by.]
Caitlin: "Can I please have my cell phone back?"
Nikki: "Only if you promise to stop talking about Joanie and Jonesy."
Caitlin: "I won't bring it up again, swear!"
[They look towards the agency booth and see Jonesy and Joanie wrestling. Nikki gapes in astonishment.]
[A while later, Jonesy is still trying his moves on her.]
Jonesy: "I call this move 'The Jaws of Jonesy!'"
[A teenage guy walks past.]
Joanie: "Whoa. Dude is cute. Think you could let me go?"
[Jonesy lets go of Joanie. Joanie takes out a five dollar bill and walks over to the guy.]
Joanie: "Excuse me. I think you dropped five bucks." [The teenager shakes his head no.] "Oh, it's not yours? Then how about I use it to buy you a coffee?"
Jonesy: [watching] "Girl has some slick moves."
[Lots of people are in the Penalty Box drinking energy drinks. Jen is serving them.]
Jen: "Would you like some energy drink, ma'am?" [She pours one.] "How about you, sir, energy drink?" [She pours one.] "Ugh, I can't believe stupid Coach listened to stupid Jude! I have better things to do than serving people!"
Coach Halder: "Boy, this store has never been busier! I nominate Jude for MVP!"
Jen: [doing a spittake] "WHAT?!? But it's his first week! I've never been the Most Valuable Player!"
Coach Halder: "You call that team spirit, Masterson? Just look at the customers Jude brought in!"
Jen: "Customers buy things! These people are just here for the free drinks!"
Coach Halder: "Well, you just can't put a price on karma. Jude told me that."
[Jude skates up to them.]
Jen: "Jude, skateboarding's forbidden in the store!"
Coach Halder: "Jude says it helps him think. What have you got for me now, Lizowski?"
Jen: "Don't hurt yourself!!!"
Jude: [haltingly] "I think the store needs some lava lamps."
Coach Halder: "Love it! Masterson, why didn't you think of lava lamps?"
Jen: "Because this is a sporting goods store?"
Coach Halder: "You're not thinking outside the Penalty Box! Five-minute foul!"
[Jen sighs and heads over to the box to take her penalty. Nikki and Caitlin walk in.]
Nikki: "This can't be happening!"
Jen: "I know! Coach has lost his mind! He loves every one of Jude's crazy, skateboard inspired ideas!"
Caitlin: "Nikki's talking about Jonesy and Joanie. We saw them hugging."
Jen: [breathless] "Hugging? Are you sure?"
Nikki: "They were like this!" [She demonstrates on Crusher.]
Crusher: "Well hello, beautiful."
Nikki: [shoving him away] "Uh, I don't think so." [to her friends] "What if Jonesy has fallen for her? I guess some guys might find her sort of cute."
Caitlin: "More like gorgeous! And they have so much in common! They're practically two peas in a pod!" [She notices the look on Nikki's face.] "I'm just gonna stop talking now."
Jen: "Wait, slow down, Nikki. Have you even asked Jonesy what's going on?"
Nikki: "No." [She sighs.] "Guess I owe the lunkhead that much. We're supposed to catch a movie in an hour. I'll talk to him them."
[The loudspeakers in the Penalty Box crackle. Suddenly, whalesong begins to drift over the speakers.]
Jen: "They're playing–whale music?"
[Nikki walks into the Gigantoplex and sees Jonesy standing in line–with Joanie.]
Nikki: "Jonesy, I thought we were going to see a movie."
Jonesy: "We are, Joanie's gonna join, cool?"
[Nikki looks at them for a moment.]
Nikki: "Ha! The more the merrier!"
[The three are watching the movie. Jonesy and Joanie are enjoying themselves; Nikki is not.]
Jonesy: [taking some popcorn] "Man, are those people ever stupid!"
Joanie: [taking some popcorn] "The monster who smelt it, dealt it!"
Nikki: "Um, guys? You're getting popcorn all over me."
Jonesy: "Okay, I'll hold it."
Joanie: [tugging on the popcorn bag] "Jonesy, quit hogging the corn."
Jonesy: "Sorry. Can you still see, Nikki?"
Nikki: [face blocked by the popcorn bag] "Oh, totally. Why don't we just get another tub of popcorn?"
Jonesy: "Because Miss Charity Donation Box there wasted her time on German tourists! What are we gonna do with deutschemarks?"
Joanie: "I don't discriminate. I'm an equal-opportunity scammer. Plus, I've always wanted to go to Berlin."
Jonesy: "They have the best industrial German music."
Joanie: "Over there, they just call it music."
Nikki: [annoyed] "Last week, you didn't even know where Germany was."
Jonesy: "Joanie schooled me."
Joanie: "Someone has to educate." [to Nikki] "Sorry."
Nikki: [irritated] "I'm going to get some jujubes."
Jonesy: "Make that two."
Nikki: "Excuse me?"
Jonesy: "Right, sorry, make that three. Don't want to leave out Joanie."
Nikki: [annoyed] "Perish the thought."
[The movie ends, and Jonesy and Joanie walk out into the theater lobby.]
Joanie: "Thanks for the laughs, Jonesmiester. See you at work." [She walks away.]
Jonesy: "Later." [looking around for his girlfriend] "Nikki?"
[Lava lamps have been placed in a circle. Jen, Jude, and Coach Halder are sitting on yoga mats in the center of the circle.]
Jude: "It's called the art of soft sell, dude."
Jen: "The soft sell?"
Jude: "If you merch it, they will come."
Coach Halder: "Can I still threaten them if they can't make up their minds?"
Jude: "No, dude. Love conquers all."
Jen: "But what if you haven't made your sales quota? You can't just stand there."
Coach Halder: "Masterson! Keep your helmet on! I want to try this soft sell thing."
[Coach Halder walks over to a police officer who is looking around. He grins at her awkwardly, and she walks away from him. Coach Halder comes back to his employees.]
Coach Halder: "Even though she didn't buy anything, I like how it makes me feel. Sort of like a–a big–uh, fuzzy penguin or something."
Jude: [bowing] "You're on your way, dude."
Coach Halder: [bowing] "Thanks. Dude."
[Nikki is talking to her friends by the Big Squeeze.]
Nikki: "I got tired of watching them bond, so I bailed in the middle of the movie."
Caitlin: "I can't believe Jonesy would do that. No more lemonade for him!"
Jen: "Guys can be such jerks sometimes!"
Wyatt: "Joanie's ssoooooo hot!"
[Wyatt's friends look at him awkwardly.]
Wyatt: "I just realized I'm the only guy at this table."
Nikki: "I appreciate the support guys, or rather girls, but this is between me and Jonesy."
Jonesy: [walking up to the table] "Hey guys! Hi Nikki."
Nikki: [getting up] "I gotta get to work." [She leaves.]
Jonesy: [watching her go] "What's her problem?"
Jen: "What's her problem? What is your problem! How could you do that to Nikki?"
Jonesy: "Is this about the extra butter on the popcorn? I know how Nikki hates that."
Caitlin: "We saw you hugging Joanie."
Wyatt: "And feeding her curly fries."
Jonesy: "Wait. You guys don't think I like Joanie?"
Jen: "I can't talk to you right now." [She leaves.]
Wyatt: [sighing as he leaves] "Say hi to Joanie for me, since I obviously can't."
Caitlin: "I have nowhere to go, but I'm still leaving!" [She closes the Big Squeeze and leaves.]
Jonesy: "Guys, lemme explain!" [looking around] "Fine. I don't need any of you. I'm a lone wolf! I am an island!"
[Jonesy is despondently sitting around at work when Joanie pulls a prank on him. Joanie laughs. Jonesy doesn't join in.]
Joanie: "It's no fun when you don't react. Who put salt in your sugar shaker?"
Jonesy: "Nikki thinks we have a thing."
Joanie: [laughing] "You've got to be kidding. Us? No way."
Jonesy: "Dude, I know! I mean, I realize it's difficult to resist my natural charms and good looks."
Joanie: "I've always been more of a guys' girl. But I do know a thing or two about women. Show Nikki how much she means to you, and she'll be putty in your hands."
Jonesy: [energized] "Hey! Did we ever get those tickets for that museum thing? Nikki loves museums!"
Joanie: "How should I know?"
Jonesy: "Right. I'll check it out myself. Thanks, Jonesmiester."
Joanie: "Anytime, Jonesmiester."
[They bump fists, wiggle fingers, and bump elbows before Jonesy gets to work on trying to find the tickets.]
[The Penalty Box is totally Zenned out. Even Coach Halder is wearing a tie-dye shirt.]
Coach Halder: "Oh, this can't be! Maybe if I carry the zero." [He scribbles on his clipboard.] "No."
Jen: "Face it, Coach! The sales figures are terrible! We haven't sold a thing all week!"
Jude: "Go with the flow, Coach."
Jen: "Flow? Ahh!"
Jen's thoughts: I gotta do something. Before we're all out of a job.
[Jen gets an idea. She pops a gumball into her mouth and blows a bubble that pops just as Coach Halder is starting to relax.]
Coach Halder: "What was that? Gum? I hate gum!"
Jen: "Little offside gum chewing, Coach. Not a big deal. Just go with the flow, right?" [She blows a bubble and lets it pop.]
Coach Halder: [calming down a bit] "May the sales force be with you." [He walks away.]
Jen: [angry] "I have only begun to fight."
[Nikki is with the Clones inside the Khaki Barn.]
Kirsten: "We're like, sorry about your messed-up love life, Nikki–"
Chrissy: "We are?"
Kirsten: "If you wanna cry, we won't take pictures for our blog." [The Clones titter.]
Nikki: "Leave now, or I force-feed you garbage."
Kirsten: "Last time we try to be nice." [They walk away. Jonesy holds two pieces of paper out to Nikki.]
Nikki: "Khaki Barn reserves the right to reserve service to jerks."
Jonesy: "Aren't you even gonna look at the tickets?"
Nikki: "I couldn't care l–" [She gasps.] "You got tickets for the new exhibition? I've been dying to see it!" [cynical] "Wait. How did you know?"
Jonesy: [pointing to his ears] "These babies actually work, you know."
Nikki: "I don't know, Jonesy. You like spitballs, belching, and–well, I don't. Maybe you should be with someone like Joanie." [Jonesy laughs.]
Jonesy: "That would be like dating myself. And I already spend too much time with me as it is! I like that when I'm with you, I don't have to start all my stories at the beginning."
Nikki: "Um, that was the sappiest thing I've ever heard. Thanks."
[Jonesy kisses Nikki.]
[Nikki and Jonesy walk past the Penalty Box. Jen watches them jealously.]
Jen: "At least one thing is back to normal."
[Coach Halder is playing with some windchimes. Jen walks up behind him and pops her gum.]
Jen: "You okay, Coach?"
Coach Halder: [stressed] "Never been more chill."
Jen: "So you don't mind that my socks don't match."
[Coach Halder takes a look.]
Coach Halder: [twitching] "No–problema–amiga."
Jen: "Oh, look. A chocolate stain on my Penalty Box jersey. No biggie, right?"
Coach Halder: [hyperventilating] "I accept the path of love."
Jen: "You're gonna let me get away with that? That's it! I give up!" [She bumps into Jude.] "Oof!"
[The pitcher of energy drink that Jude is drinking flies into the air and lands on the head of a mannequin, causing it to fall into a pyramid of basketballs that avalanche, crashing into a ski display and a tennis ball display. The tennis balls pop out of their tins and bounce around the store, adding to the chaos. Eventually, everything stops. Coach Halder's face turns red.]
Coach Halder: "MMMMAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSSOOOONNN!!!!" [taking charge] "Spit out the gum change that jersey match your socks clean up this mess. Jude, you're fired."
Jen: [hugging her boss] "Thank you! Thank you! Oh, and Jude, no hard feelings."
Jude: "About what, bra?"
Jen: "Aw, thanks!"
Jude: "No, seriously, about what?"
Coach Halder: "Masterson! I can't believe you let me hire this lunkhead! Red card! You're on probation!"
[Coach Halder and Jude leave. Jen's shoulders sag.]
Jen: [depressed] "I. Give. Up."