[Caitlin is working at Big Squeeze. Well, not really working; she seems to be resting her face on someone else's. This someone is blonde and male.]
Dustin: "I've gotta go, babe."
Caitlin: "Meet me at four-fifteen at Grind Me."
Dustin: "I'll miss you."
Caitlin: "I'll miss you more!"
[Dustin and Caitlin kiss. Dustin then leaves, and Caitlin sighs. Suddenly, she snaps back, dead sober.]
Caitlin: "Oh my gosh, Nikki, that was really insensitive of me! I forgot you and Jonesy just broke up!"
Nikki: "Don't sweat it. It's kind of a relief. Maybe someday, when one of us is more mature, we can give it another shot. But for now, I think we're definitely better off as friends."
Caitlin: "So–I can talk about Dustin?"
Nikki: "Knock yourself out."
Caitlin: "Okay! Isn't Dustin dreamy?"
Jonesy: [walking up] "I know he made my knees go weak!"
Caitlin: [playful] "Shut up, Jonesy!" [She punches him.]
[They look across the food court. Starr almost lost her balance on her skates, but Jude caught her.]
Starr: "Whoa. I better get going. There's a lineup at Vegan Island."
Jude: "See you tonight?"
[Starr leaves, and Jude skates up to the table.]
Caitlin: "You and Starr look like you're getting tight!"
Jude: "She is a Betty-limb lovely."
Caitlin: [sighing] "I think Dustin might be The One."
Nikki: "Uh, you said the same thing about the last guy."
Caitlin: "Oh, no. Wade definitely wasn't the one. He had sneaky B.O. He tried to cover it up with body spray, but I could still smell it. Dustin, though, he's special."
Nikki: "I'm surprised you're into a guy who has one eye way lower than the other."
Caitlin: "He does not!"
Nikki: "Oh, he does."
Caitlin: "Does not!"
Dustin: "Hey." [He's returned.] "Forgot my lemon squeeze."
[The gang all stare at him and shut one eye to better figure out if Dustin really has one eye lower than the other.]
Nikki, Caitlin, Jonesy, Jude, Wyatt, and Jen: "Hmm..."
[Dustin, uncomfortable at these looks, takes off.]
Nikki: "I rest my case."
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[The gang are sitting around the table. Jonesy is typing on his laptop.]
Caitlin: "Well I still like him, even if he does have one weird eye."
Nikki: "It's a free country."
Jonesy: [finishing his typing] "Yes! It's all set."
Jonesy: "Only the best job I've ever had!" [He turns the laptop to face the group.]
Wyatt: "Cyberlove: Meet You on the Internet?"
Jonesy: "People send me a picture and a description of their interests, and I set them up on dates. For a small fee, of course."
Nikki: "Oh, this should be interesting."
Jonesy: "You haven't even heard the best part yet. I'm the one who screens the pictures."
Jonesy: "So I can weed out the hot chicks and set them up with yours truly?"
Jen: [shocked] "You wouldn't!"
Jonesy: "Why not? It's like my own private pool of hotties to choose from. And the beauty part is, I'll already know what the girls are into because it's right on their applications."
Nikki: "I can't believe I ever dated you."
Jonesy: "Send in an application, maybe I'll date you again."
Jen: "What happens to all the guys?"
Jonesy: "What guys?"
Jen: "The guys who apply to your service?"
Jonesy: "I delete them."
Wyatt: "Have you no shame?"
Jonesy: "No shame, no game."
Jude: "I dunno, dude."
Wyatt: "Yeah, what happens if you get caught? Won't you be embarrassed?"
Nikki: "Uh, Jonesy's missing that gene."
Jonesy: "Oh, I get embarrassed."
Caitlin: "What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?"
Jonesy: "Oh no. Some things are better left unsaid."
Nikki: "Oh come on, you can tell us. We were probably there anyway."
Caitlin: "Yeah, best friends always tell each other stuff like that." [gasping] "Let's all tell each other! I promise, none of you can beat my story."
Jen: "This is strictly between us?"
Caitlin: "Eeee–yes, yes! Who goes first?"
Nikki: "Okay, I guess it would be the time I ran full speed into a stop sign in front of the school."
Nikki: "I still have the scar!"
Jonesy: "Don't worry. You only notice it if you look at your head." [Nikki kicks him.] "Ow! Well, I already know what Wyatt's is. If you don't tell them, I will."
Wyatt: [uncomfortable] "Okay, okay. I built a shrine in my bedroom to Serena."
Jen and Nikki: "No way."
Nikki: "You took it down after she fired you and broke up with you though, right?"
[The table falls silent.]
Wyatt: [after a few seconds] "All right, I'm going to! I've been busy!"
Jonesy: [chuckling] "Pathetic."
Jen: "Well at least yours is a private horror. I once sat on a chocolate bar without knowing it. In white pants!" [She remembers the scene vividly.] "I walked around for two hours like that before I realized what happened."
Caitlin: "Wow. You are so brave showing your face around here after that."
Jude: "At least you didn't puke in your girlfriends mouth. On your first kiss."
Nikki: "Oh, that is up there."
Jude: "Just don't mention it in front of her! Remembering it makes her gag."
Nikki: "Duly noted."
Jonesy: "Boy! You guys are losers!"
Nikki: "Okay, Jonesy. So what was your most embarrassing moment?"
Jonesy: "Didn't I already tell you guys?"
Caitlin, Jude, Jen, Nikki and Wyatt: "No."
Jonesy: "All right. This one time, in grade seven, I needed a haircut, but my barber was on vacation."
Jonesy: "So I went to my mom's salon."
Jude: "What's so embarrassing about that?"
Jonesy: "Well, the stylist said that I had great hair, and the one thing that would make it better would be...a body wave."
[The gang laugh.]
Jen: "You mean a perm!"
Wyatt: [laughing] "How could you let her give you a perm, dude?"
Jonesy: "The stylist was hot. And it wasn't a perm, it was a body wave."
Nikki: "It was totally a perm."
Jude: "I feel so much better about the puking thing now."
Caitlin: [catching her breath] "Guys, we shouldn't laugh at him. That must have been hard to admit."
Nikki: "Hey, you haven't told us your most embarrassing moment yet."
Caitlin: [sober] "Okay. But this does not leave the group. Swear?" [Her friends nod.] "You remember Trish, right?"
Nikki: "Oh yeah."
Caitlin: "We went to the beach one day last year. I was wearing this really cute retro-style bikini. I got it on sale at Bikini Republic for 50% off."
Jen: "Caitlin, focus."
Caitlin: "Oh, ooh-ooh-okay. So I went to the little girls' hut, and when I came back out–I had toilet paper hanging out of my bikini bottom!"
Wyatt: "Oh that's bad."
Caitlin: "Tricia let me walk around with a tissue tail all day. And she filmed it! I haven't been back to that beach since."
Jonesy: "So what happened to the film?"
Caitlin: "She has it. She's always threatening to upload it onto her blog site."
Wyatt: "So I guess we all have something on each other now."
Jonesy: "None of this leaves this table. If the ladies hear about my body wave, I might as well just give up."
Jen: "Don't worry, Jonesy. It's in the vault. But that doesn't mean we can't laugh at you."
Jonesy: "Laugh it up, poopypants."
Jude: "So are we still going to that hypnotist show tonight?"
Wyatt: "Definitely. This guy's supposed to be amazing!"
Jonesy: "Later, dudes. Date number one in ten minutes."
[Jonesy closes his laptop, gets up, and steps on Jude's skateboard. He rolls into a trash bin.]
Nikki: [to Caitlin] "Embarrassing, but you still win."
[Dustin and Caitlin are at Grind Me.]
Caitlin: "...and Jonesy got a perm! And he was so embarrassed when he told us that. It was so funny!"
Dustin: "Man. That is bad! Are you sure you should be telling me this stuff, though?"
Caitlin: "Of course! You're my boyfriend! There's no secrets between us."
Dustin: "Oh, okay. So, what's your most embarrassing moment?"
Caitlin: "Oh, I forget. Check please!"
[In another part of the restaurant, Jonesy is on a date with a girl in a blue dress. He looks at his PDA.]
Jonesy: "Of course, no one can touch the Shania Twain song, 'I Feel Like a Woman'."
Nerd Girl: "Shut up, Steve! That's my favorite song!"
Jonesy: "Mine too!" [His PDA beeps.] "Of course, nothing beats sharing a vanilla cupcake with a golden lab puppy."
Nerd Girl: "I can't believe this is happening! I was so skeptical about computer dating but it's like we're–"
Jonesy: "Reading each other's minds?"
[The girl nods. Jonesy's PDA beeps.]
Jonesy: "Sorry, I have to run and help my mom. Maybe we can hook up later for a barefoot walk on the beach?"
Nerd Girl: "Sure. Call me!" [She sighs dreamily.]
[At Underground Video, Wayne is checking out a customer.]
Wayne: "Sissy the Vampire Slasher Season One. You don't want this."
Stuart: "Uh, yes I do. I do want it."
Wayne: "Dude, are you a little girl? I mean, you look like a man but I'm wondering if you've suffered some form of trauma that has destroyed the part of your mind that generates appreciation for quality vampire-based entertainment!"
Stuart: "Y-you, uh–" [Wayne pulls out a stack of DVDs.]
Wayne: "Vampire Fighters. From Dusk Till More Dusk. Near Dark. And the chairman of the board, Suck My Pulsing Neck."
Wayne: "The director's cut. I guarantee by the end of these you'll be on a bloodsucking rampage yourself."
Wayne: "Don't thank me, just go home and grow some stones, 'kay?"
[Jonesy is on a date with another girl at El Sporto's.]
Poet Girl: "I can't believe that you're so into Spanish contemporary poetry."
Jonesy: "Si, es su bueno. I love ze rhyming. Zhe makes my heart swell like a burrito grande." [His PDA beeps.] "I must go. We'll continue our conversation mañana, my little chorizo sausage? Ciao."
[Jonesy leaves, and the girl sighs dreamily.]
[Jonesy takes a seat by the stage. Coach Halder rushes up to him.]
Coach Halder: "So, when do I get to go on my first date, Jonesy? I've got a lot of love to give."
Jonesy: "Soon, coach, soon! In your case there are so many ladies hot to meet you, I'm trying to weed out the crazies."
Coach Halder: "Oh, not so fast there, young man. I like my women spicy."
[A voice booms over the speakers.]
Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, the master approaches. Direct from Tibet–Zargon." [Zargon magically appears onstage.] "The amaziologist."
Zargon: "I am Zargon. In the next hour I will amaze you with my powers of the mind. I need a volunteer. You sir, with the uneven eyes."
Nikki: [to Dustin] "He means you."
Dustin: "Me? Well, okay." [He gets up onstage.] "I've gotta warn you, fella, people have tried to hypnotize me before, and uh I don't–"
Zargon: "Sleep." [Dustin falls placid.]
Caitlin: "Oh, this is so cool! Go Dustin!"
Zargon: "You are an actor, and I am auditioning you for the role of a superhero!"
Dustin: [waking up] "Here I come to save the day!!!"
Nikki: "Wow. He's good."
Zargon: "I want you to imagine you are an announcer for the top-rated television gossip show. And...give us the scoop!"
Dustin: "This just in: Jonesy went to a salon once and got a permanent wave!"
[The crowd cackles, and Jonesy blushes furiously.]
Wayne: "Dude! You did not, tell me you did not!"
[Caitlin chuckles nervously.]
Dustin: "Nikki ran headfirst into a stop sign in front of the whole school!"
[The Clones laugh until Nikki raises her fist threateningly.]
Zargon: "Fascinating! Tell us more!"
Dustin: "Well, Zargon, as we all know Jude got his first kiss last month. And boy did he blow it! He barfed in his girlfriend's mouth, yuck!" [Starr gags.] "And did you know that Wyatt still has a shrine to Serena in his bedroom! Oh, naughty!" [Serena gasps. Wyatt hides his face as Caitlin tries to sneak away.] "But wait, there's more! Jen sat on a chocolate and walked around all day looking like she had a poop stain on her white pants!"
[The crowd laughs. Suddenly, Caitlin tackles Dustin, snapping him out of his trance.]
Dustin: "Caitlin? What happened?"
Caitlin: [to her friends, nervous] "Hey guys. Great show, huh?"
[Later, the gang and Starr are at their regular table while Caitlin works.]
Caitlin: "Hey guys! Anyone want a free lemon slush?" [Silence greets this suggestion.] "How about free large super whips?" [Nobody replies.] "Come on, guys, I'm sorry, okay? What more can I say?"
Nikki: "Um, did you guys hear something?"
Jonesy: "Not a thing."
Caitlin: "How was I supposed to know Dustin was gonna blab everything? It's not my fault!"
Jen: "Yes, it is! You told him our most intimate secrets!"
Wyatt: "Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was! I officially will never be able to look at Serena again!"
Nikki: "I noticed the toilet paper story didn't come up."
Wyatt: "Lemme guess, because she didn't tell him that one!"
Caitlin: [gasping] "I couldn't! We're at a critical stage in our relationship! I can't jeopardize it with the toilet paper in the bikini story! You're blowing this whole thing out of proportion. I bet everybody's forgotten about it already."
[Darth and Julie walk by.]
Julie: "Oh, is your head okay, Nikki?"
Darth: "No, I feel sick. Come over here so I can hurl in your mouth."
[Darth makes puking sounds, and Starr gags. She runs off to find a trash can.]
Jude: [chasing her] "Come back!"
Nikki: [getting up] "C'mere, you creeps."
Jen: "Ignore them, Nikki."
Julie: "Good idea, chocolate butt."
Jen: "Oh, that's it! She's mine!" [Jen stomps off after Julie.]
Jonesy: "I'm outta here." [The gang takes off.]
Caitlin: "See you later, guys?" [She sighs.] "This is all Dustin's fault. Kinda."
[Jonesy is on a date with an Asian girl at Super Terrific Happy Sushi.]
Mimi: [excited] "That feeling when you reach the summit? That rush of adrenaline? That's climbing. So, tell me all about your Everest climb, Sven."
Jonesy: [faking a Swedish accent] "O, okay den. It vas uh really, really, really high."
[Stuart Goldstein passes by the Penalty Box with his stack of DVDs. Jen is working there.]
Coach Halder: "Masterson! Dobbs and I have a bet going, and we need you to settle it."
Jen: "Sure Coach!"
Coach Halder: "Now Dobbs says that the chocolate you sat in was dark chocolate. But I maintain that milk chocolate would look far more pooplike. So what was it?"
Jen: "I don't know! I wasn't eating it, I sat in it!" [She kicks some shoeboxes.]
Coach Halder: "Hey, that's no way to talk to your superior. Drop and give me fifty."
[Jen sighs and begins doing push-ups.]
[Jonesy is at El Sporto's with a science-fiction fan.]
Sci-fi Girl: "You don't look anything like your picture."
Jonesy: "Yeah, ditto."
Sci-fi Girl: "And you don't look anything like an imperial Klingon."
Jonesy: "Whatever, can we end this now?"
Sci-fi Girl: "No. Did you see Star Cup on the Space Network last night?"
Jonesy: "Yeah, it's my favorite show."
Sci-fi Girl: "Star Cup was cancelled last year? And it wasn't even on the Space Network, loser."
Jonesy: "I'm a loser? You're the one wearing fake ears!" [The girl rips his badge off.] "Gah!"
Sci-fi Girl: "You aren't the guy I was supposed to get hooked up with, are you!"
Nerd Girl: [at another table] "Steve? I thought you had to help your mom."
Poet Girl: [coming up to her] "No, silly. That's Juan Carlos. Except–where's your mustache?"
Jonesy: "Oh, wow! You're both here!"
Mimi: [walking up] "What is she talking about? Sven?"
Poet Girl: "Wait. Aren't you the guy who got the perm?"
Jonesy: "Help!" [He tries to escape, but is confronted by a dark figure.]
Darth: "I want my money back! You said you'd help find my soulmate!"
[Jonesy makes a break for it.]
Nerd Girl: "No-good liar!"
Poet Girl: "Get him!"
[The poet, the nerd, and the climber all chase after Jonesy. Darth sees the sci-fi girl and gasps. He sits down with her, and they tap lightsabers.]
Sci-fi Girl: "Together we could rule the universe."
[Nikki walks out of the Khaki Barn.]
Nikki: "One more crack about stop signs, and you'll be Siamese twins."
Jen: [walking up] "Hey. This is ridiculous! I can't go anywhere without being called chocolate butt, or butt spot, or–"
Bystander: "Butt brownie!"
Jen: [turning around and shaking her fist] "SHUT IT!"
Nikki: [leading her away] "C'mon, let's go to Underground. Too many people know us at the Squeeze."
Jen: "Caitlin's gonna pay for this."
[Jude hands a movie to Stanley. Starr skates into Underground Video.]
Stanley: "Hey, barf girl! Ate anything fishy lately?" [He makes retching sounds.]
Jude: "Scram, little dude."
[Stanley happily leaves the store. Starr is bent over, clutching at her stomach.]
Starr: "I can't go anywhere without somebody inviting me to taste-test their bile."
Jude: "I know! They've been all over me too. It's like puking in somebody's mouth is the worst thing a guy can do or something." [With difficulty, Starr swallows back a mouthful of vomit.] "Hardly any of it went in your mouth." [Starr's stomach moans.] "And I only had a hot dog." [Starr swallows heavily again.] "Wasn't like pea soup, or guacamole, or cold pizza–"
[Starr empties her stomach all over the floor.]
Wyatt: "Way to go, Jude."
Wayne: [walking up] "Nothing wrong with blowing a few chunks."
Wyatt: "I wish that's all I'd done! Serena's taking out a restraining order with mall security–"
Ron: "He-hem." [Ron, outside the store, indicates that he's watching Wyatt. Jen and Nikki walk in. Jen's phone rings.]
Caitlin: "Jen, it's me. I just wanted to say I'm so–" [Jen hangs up.]
Jonesy: [running into the store, panicked] "Hide me!" [He ducks behind his female friends.]
Nerd Girl: "Get him!"
Poet Girl: "Where did he go?"
Mimi: "I want my money back!"
Nikki: "And you had it all figured out, huh?"
Jonesy: "Okay, it was a bad idea! I'm officially firing myself from the dating service. Even I can only handle one girl at a time!"
Nikki: [annoyed] "Right."
[Caitlin stares at her dead cell phone.]
Caitlin: "I just have to make those guys realize how sorry I am. But first I have to find them."
[Caitlin grabs Dustin and runs off to look for her now former friends.]
[Jude is mopping up Starr's puke. His friends are hanging out inside the store.]
Jen: "We can't stay here forever!"
Wyatt: "Why not? We can watch videos until we die."
Jen: "Or until someone else does something humiliating and the attention shifts from us to them."
Jonesy: "I got a perm, Jen! Finding something worse than that could take months!"
Nikki: "Oh look! Our revenge has arrived." [Tricia walks into the store.] "Let the uploading begin."
[Caitlin finds her ex-friends. They are gathered around the store computer with Wayne, Starr, and Tricia.]
Jude: "How could she not feel it...flapping?"
Nikki: "It's like an episode of Pranked."
Caitlin: "What're you guys watching?" [She sees Tricia and gasps.]
Tricia: "Hey, lemonhead."
Nikki: "Your old girlfriend was kind enough to bring over a little home video from your trip to the beach."
Caitlin: "No!" [She rushes over.]
Dustin: "Hey guys." [Caitlin forms a barrier between him and the computer.] "Sorry about blabbing that stuff to everyone. I feel terrible."
Wyatt: [pushing him towards the computer] "It's not your fault. You were hypnotized."
Jonesy: "But now that you're here, I'd like you to see a little something." [He offers Dustin the computer chair.]
Dustin: [sitting down] "Uhokay."
Caitlin: "Don't do this guys, I'm begging you, please!"
Jonesy: "Hit it, Jude."
[The video begins to play, a special presentation just for Caitlin's boyfriend.]
Dustin: [laughing] "No way! How could you not know?" [losing control] "Sorry! I gotta!" [He staggers out of the store in stitches. Tricia follows him out.]
Tricia: "See you later, lemonhead."
Caitlin: "Well I hope you're happy!"
Jen: "Oh, not yet, but we will be. We're gonna upload this to the class email directory."
Caitlin: [gasping] "You wouldn't. C'mon, guys, it was just a few people laughing."
Jen: "Well then you won't mind taking some of the heat off of us, will you."
Caitlin: "Wait! Haven't I been humiliated enough?"
Jonesy: "Let me think. Everyone in the mall heard our embarrassing stories and one person has seen yours. No."
Caitlin: "I didn't do it on purpose! I'll be a laughingstock!"
Wyatt: "Join the club."
Caitlin: "Best friends don't email toilet paper videos!"
Nikki: "Nice try." [She reaches for the mouse, but Caitlin stops her.]
Caitlin: "Okay, look. I know you guys think those stories are totally embarrassing, but they're really not that bad! Take Wyatt. So he built a creepy shrine to a girl. It shows how capable of loving someone he is. I think it's sweet. Jonesy. So you took a bold chance with your hair. You have to admire someone who's not afraid to say 'I'm a guy, and I'm getting a perm!'" [turning to Jen] "So people call you chocolate butt. Everyone knows you've got the cutest booty in the mall."
Jonesy: "That's true."
Jen: [flattered] "Shut up, Jonesy."
Caitlin: "He puked in your mouth, and you're still together! Now that's love."
Jude: "Hey, yeah!" [He and Starr hi-five.]
Nikki: "Don't tell me there's an upside to running into a stop sign."
Caitlin: "No, that's pretty bad. But if there's ever anyone who's taught me not to care about what people think, it's you Nikki. I can only think of one way to show you how sorry I am." [She takes a deep breath, then clicks on the upload button.] "There. Now we're all in the same boat."
Wayne: "Whoa. That was awesome. It was like Al Pacino in ...And Justice for All."
[The gang look at him oddly.]
Wayne: "When did I get old?"
Jen: "I can't believe you did that."
Caitlin: "You guys were mad. And I care more about what you think of me than everyone else at this school combined."
Jonesy: "Uh, about that upload." [nervous] "I probably should have mentioned this but, we were connected to the mall Jumbotron system too."
Caitlin: [rushing outside] "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
[On the mall jumboscreen, the video of Caitlin at the beach is playing while the mall laughs.]
[Jude and Wyatt carry trayfuls of lemonade into Underground Video.]
Jude: "There must be a hundred people watching in the food court."
Caitlin: [banging her head against the counter] "I'm totally ruined!"
Wyatt: [handing her a drink] "Oh, it's not that bad. At least you don't have a restraining order from the toilet paper."
Caitlin: [to Dustin] "I can't believe you didn't dump me."
Dustin: "Yeah. Uh, I've been meaning to talk to you. I think we should break up."
Caitlin: "You what? Why? Because of the toilet paper?"
Dustin: "No. Well, yeah."
Caitlin: [thunking onto the counter] "Oh, fine. Go. Get out." [Dustin leaves, and she goes over to the couch, where her friends are.] "We broke up. I guess I can't blame him. I know I wouldn't want to be dating someone nicknamed TP Tail either."
Nikki: "Ah, who needs him."
Caitlin: [tearful] "Right. You're right." [to Jen] "Got any chocolate?"
Jen: "Hey, don't look at me."
Jonesy: "Check under her."
[Everyone but Jen laughs.]