[Everyone but Caitlin is gathered around the table.]
Nikki: "Ugh, dreading going to work today. They've hired a new girl to help with the end-of-season sale."
Wyatt: "She might be nice."
Nikki: "Oh, I'm fine with not nice as long as she's not another squealing clone. I'm already outnumbered."
[Caitlin runs up to the Big Squeeze and leans against it, panting heavily.]
Caitlin: [panting] "Albatross–Finch–b-big–"
Jonesy: "Buyer! Big buyer!" [Caitlin waves him off.]
Wyatt: "Big sale?"
[Having caught her breath, Caitlin sits down and blurts it out.]
Caitlin: "They're hosting a Sadie Hawkins dance here at the mall this Friday!"
Jude: "Who's Sadie Hawkins?"
Jonesy: "During the War of 1812, she warned the British that the Americans were attacking."
Jen: "That was Laura Secord."
Jonesy: "Right." [girlish] "'The Americans are attacking! Who wants chocolate?"
Jen: "A Sadie Hawkins dance means the girls have to ask the guys out."
Wyatt: "Nice!" [They bump fists. Jonesy looks at Nikki.]
Caitlin: "I'm gonna ask that cute guy I've been eyeing!"
Nikki: "Which one? You talk about a different guy every hour."
Caitlin: "Well, I had to narrow it down from five possibles, so I did a pros and cons list, and I'm gonna ask Ethan!!! Eeee!"
Wyatt: "It's refreshing to reverse the roles from time to time."
Jude: "Yeah, asking out girls sucks!"
Jonesy: "It can be a lot of pressure."
Jude: "Getting shot down–"
Wyatt: "It's time women see that doing the asking is not an easy task."
Caitlin: "Well I'm looking forward to it. It's not like I'm asking a boy out because I'm unattractive and desperate."
Jen: "Wait a sec, I've asked out plenty of boys! Do you think I'm unattractive and desperate?"
Caitlin: "You're definitely not unattractive." [after a beat] "Or desperate!" [She grins nervously.]
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[Nikki walks into work and sees a short-haired brunette in the same clothes as the Clones.]
Kirsten: "This is Nikki. She works here too. Well almost. Ooh, a commission! I mean customer." [to Nikki] "Can you show Jean around?"
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Sure, this'll be fun. Neeennh!"
[A tall guy with glasses is walking through the mall when Caitlin runs up to him.]
Caitlin: "Hi! Ethan! Hi! It's Caitlin! Me! Caitlin! I-I should stop waving, I'm right here." [She puts her arm down.]
Ethan: "How are you, Caitlin?"
Caitlin: "So anyway–" [giggling] "Yeah, for sure, uh-huh, uh-huh!"
[Ethan looks at her oddly.]
Caitlin's thoughts: He's staring at you, say something!
Caitlin: "So you probably heard about the Laura Secord dance–urrgh!–not Laura Secord."
Caitlin's thoughts: You're crashing and burning he's staring go with the eyelash flutter eyelash flutter now!
[Caitlin starts fluttering her eyelashes and soon gets them confused, only having one eye open at a time. When she stops, her right eye is shut.]
Ethan: "Um, are you okay?"
Caitlin: "Fine, fine, I'm fine."
Ethan: "I'm running late. See you, Caitlin."
Caitlin: "Goodbye, I mean, okay!" [waving nervously] "Bye, Ethan, bye, bye, bye–" [She pulls her arm down.]
[Wyatt and Jude walk through the mall. As they go, girls stare at them.]
Wyatt: "Have you noticed how many girls are checking us out?"
Jude: "Indeed I did."
Wyatt: "I guess we're looking pretty good."
Jude: "Guess we are, bro."
Wyatt: "Well, if it's a show they want–"
Jude: "–who are we to deny them us?"
[The two start walking with a lot more swagger.]
Jude: "Sadie Hawkins rules!"
[Nikki has shown Jean around the store.]
Nikki: "And finally, sweaters. Which means we're done, and you can rejoin the cheerleader squad."
Jean: "Or we could pretend you're still teaching me stuff so I don't have to talk to the blonde Three Stooges."
Nikki: "Huh. Looked like you were all getting along when I came in."
Jean: "I'm only here for two weeks. No point in going out of my way to not get along with them. But I'll tell you this: they shouldn't expect any Christmas cards. How do you do it? I mean the way they laugh, they sound like–"
Jean and Nikki: "Dolphins!"
[Jen is despondently sitting inside Grind Me. Jonesy rushes in.]
Jonesy: "Hey, who's a boo? Is it raining in Jentown?"
Jen: "Just go away! Please!"
Jonesy: "Who pooped in your cereal?"
Jen: "I can't ask out boys, okay? Getting dumped by Travis has left me feeling like I'm gonna get shot down and humiliated if I even try!"
Jonesy: "Jen, even if you ask someone who's not into you, no one's gonna be mean about it. Guys are just as–"
Green Dress Girl: "Hi! I was wondering if you had a date for–"
Jonesy: "I do, good luck though, buh-bye." [She scrams.] "Guys are just as sensitive as women. So there's nothing to worry–"
Fine Girl: "I'd like to–"
Jonesy: "I have a date. And even if I didn't, seriously. I do have standards."
[The girl runs out of the store crying.]
Jonesy: "Man! Getting asked out all the time can really get on your nerves! I don't know how Caitlin and Nikki do it."
[Jen thunks her head on the table.]
[Jude and Wyatt are standing by the fountain.]
Wyatt: [whispering] "Incoming."
[Glutes Girl passes by and takes a glance at Jude's rear.]
Wyatt: [whispering] "She totally checked out your butt!"
Jude: [loudly] "Just a little something I like to keep in my back pocket!" [He laughs.]
Wyatt: "It's kind of weird. I mean, we're being checked out, but no one's actually asked us to the dance."
Jude: "Yeah. It's like we're..."
Jude and Wyatt: [realizing the awful] "Average!"
[Caitlin is standing inside Taj Mahome Video.]
Caitlin: "Okay. Just be yourself. Relax."
[Caitlin spots her target.]
Caitlin: [excessively perky] "Hi! Dean! Anyway, so, dancing, at the dance, that's coming up soon, I thought, or should I say was thinking, past tense, thinking done, maybe we could–"
Dean: "I already have a date."
Caitlin: "Oh. But you were my fifth choice!"
[Dean narrows his eyes and angrily leaves the store.]
Caitlin: "Maybe some other time?" [She slumps.] "Aw."
[Business is booming at the Khaki Barn.]
Nikki: [folding clothes with Jean] "My dream? Well, it sounds silly since I've never been anywhere, but–I want to travel the world."
Jean: "If you had a ticket to go anywhere in the world, where would it be?"
Nikki: [thinking] "Peru."
Jean: "No way. Peru is one of the best places I have ever been."
Nikki: "Are you kidding me right now?" [Her phone rings, and she answers.] "I'll call you later, Jonesy." [She hangs up.] "You've actually been to Peru?"
Jean: "Oh, Nik, you've totally got to go." [after a pause] "Should I not call you Nik?"
Nikki: "Yeah, no, it's cool. Yeah. Yeah, call me Nik."
[Jonesy is playing games at the arcade. His friends have come to him for advice.]
Jonesy: "Average, huh?" [He chuckles.] "Good luck with that. Hey, Nikki hung up on me earlier. You know what that means."
Wyatt: "She finds you annoying to talk to?"
Jonesy: "No, it means she has some big plan for how she'll ask me to the dance."
Jude: "Must be nice to be loved." [Wyatt nods assent.]
Jonesy: "C'mon, guys, snap out of it! The dance is in three days. If you want to get asked out, you have to start thinking like a girl. Because all the girls are out there thinking like guys, and guys don't ask out other guys."
Wyatt: "Some guys ask out other–"
Jonesy: "Not the conversation we're having. Think like girls! Be the girls!"
[Jonesy walks away. Jude and Wyatt look at each other.]
Wyatt: "You wanna give it a shot?"
Jude: [falsetto] "Hi Wyatt, how are you?"
Wyatt: "Do we have to do the voices?"
Jude: "It'll help us get into the mindset."
Wyatt: [falsetto] "I'm fine, Jude. How are you?"
[Wyatt and Jude walk through the mall. They're checked out, and in turn check out others.]
Jude: "It's like we're the prettiest cakes in the window."
Wyatt: "So why is no one buying?"
Jude: "I guess they're thinking, why buy the cake when you can get the milk for free?"
[Silence reigns for the next few steps.]
Jude: "I can feel their eyes on my body."
Wyatt: [to three pre-teen girls] "We're not just objects, you know!"
[Nikki is talking with Jen and Caitlin at the ice cream parlor.]
Nikki: "She's been all over the world, living the life I wish I had and being who I wish I were. And yet somehow, I still like her! Hmm. How're you two doing?"
Caitlin: "I can't ask out boys!"
Jen: "I can't even approach them!"
Caitlin: "Every time I try I talk too fast my hands are all over the place and–"
Jen: "I know they'll say no, and then I'll feel even worse about myself and then I–"
Nikki: "Whoa! You guys need to stop overthinking it and just apply the talents you've already got. Jen, think of it as a sports competition."
Jen: "I can try that."
Nikki: "Caitlin, you aren't looking for a date, you're shopping for an accessory for the dance."
Caitlin: "I am the queen of accessorizing. Thanks Nikki!" [She leaves.]
Jen: "Thanks Nikki." [She leaves.]
[Jude and Wyatt are still being checked out by girls. Jude takes his cap off and messes with his hair.]
Wyatt: "If I had your hair, I'd show it off."
Wyatt: "Oh yeah. You've got great shine."
Jude: "That's 'cause I double-condition." [Wyatt starts writing it down.] "Don't bother. Just remember this: if you want hair so nice, wash once, condition twice."
Wyatt: "Hmm." [standing up] "I have to pee."
Jude: "I'll come with you."
[Caitlin walks up to a line of guys at the movie theater and holds a blue shoe up to two of their faces.]
Caitlin: "Do either of you own blue-tinted contact lenses?" [They look at each other.] "Consider it."
[Nikki is looking at Jean's passport.]
Nikki: "This passport is amazing! Look at all the places you've been!"
Jean: "I just got a new one, so why don't you hang on to that one?"
[Nikki's phone rings. She picks it up.]
Nikki: "Yeah, call you later, Jonesy." [She hangs up.] "Are you sure?"
Jean: "It'll remind you that you've gotta live your dream, Nik. You keep it."
Nikki: "Thanks!" [Jean hugs her and leaves.] "She's just so darn cool."
[The guys are inside the restroom, using stalls.]
Jude: "I think you'd look better in blue. Not periwinkle, but a muted turquoise–"
Wyatt: "Wait. Why are we peeing in stalls, instead of urinals?"
Jude: "Um, dunno. Are you sitting down?"
Wyatt: "Yes!" [They run out of the stalls, screaming.]
Jude: [worried] "Maybe we got a little too much into character, huh?" [They start washing their hands.]
Wyatt: "Wanna talk football or something?"
Jude: "I don't really like football."
Wyatt: "Me either, it's just so violent."
[The two look at each other and gasp.]
Wyatt: "We've got to stop this!"
[A guy is reading a comic when a girl walks up to him.]
Big-Haired Girl: "So, um, I was wondering, if, um, you'd, wanna–"
[Jen throws the girl aside.]
Jen: "Wait! Don't go with her, go with me. I'm a way better catch! I'm smarter. Penicillin was invented in 1928 and the Falkland Islands were first settled by France. In your face! And I'm stronger. Push-up contest!" [doing them] "One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six!"
[The guy gets up and takes the less assertive big-haired girl.]
[Caitlin is lamenting her fortunes to Wyatt.]
Caitlin: "I've looked everywhere, and I just can't find a guy that matches my belt."
Wyatt: "Why don't you just go up to a guy and say 'Will you go to the dance with me?'"
Caitlin: "Really? Just like that?"
Wyatt: "That's all a guy needs to hear, trust me. Hang on, I'll get your soda."
Caitlin: [practicing] "Ahem. Will you go to the dance with me? Will you go to the dance with me?"
Caitlin: [shocked] "Oh! Wayne!" [reconsidering] "Oh boy. Oh..."
Wayne: "You should be excited, blondie. Asking me to the dance was the best decision you've made this lifetime."
[Wyatt drops Caitlin's soda in shock.]
[Everyone but Jonesy is by the Big Squeeze.]
Jen: "So now I'm the only one without a date?"
Caitlin: "Maybe you didn't hear me clearly. I am going with Wayne."
Nikki: "You could still go with Wyatt or Jude." [They sit up and smile brightly.]
Jen: "I still have two days, it's not last resort time just yet!" [Her male friends slump.]
[Wayne is sleeping at work. He suddenly awakens to find Tim and Wyatt staring at him.]
Wayne: "Um, hey, where are the straws, anyway?"
Wyatt: "Not...in the freezer."
Wayne: "Of course not, what was I thinking? Don't need to freeze straws!"
Tim: [interested] "Were you dancing with meat, Wayne? Are you a meat dancer?"
Wayne: "A what dancer?"
Wyatt: [backing away] "I'm gonna leave you two alone. Enjoy your dance lesson, Wayne."
[Wayne grins at his boss insincerely.]
[Jen is checking out a customer when his phone rings.]
James: [answering] "Hello? No, man, still no date."
Jen: [grabbing the phone] "He'll call you back." [She hangs up.] "I'm Jen. And you're going to the dance with me."
James: "Was that a question?"
Jen: "No it wasn't."
James: "Do I have any say in this?"
Jen: "Nope." [He runs away, and she chases.] "You can run but you can't hide!"
[Nikki is walking through the mall when Jonesy catches up to her.]
Jonesy: "Hey Nikki. Going on lunch or running off like you've got a plan?"
Nikki: "Yeah, I kind of do have a plan for my lunch break? Sorry."
Jonesy: "Sorry? Don't be silly! Anything I can do to help this plan of yours?"
Nikki: "Oh! Could you lend me ten bucks?"
Jonesy: "If that's all you need to get this plan off the ground, then sure!" [He pulls some money from his pocket.]
Nikki: [snatching a bill] "That'll do." [She leaves.]
Jonesy: "Awesome! I'm stoked about your plan!"
[Nikki finds Jean walking her way.]
Nikki: "Hey Jean, can I buy you lunch?"
Jean: "Sure, Nik, that'd be great."
[They pass Jonesy.]
Jonesy: [stunned] "B-but–did she just call her Nik?"
[Jen gloms onto her prey's leg just as he boards the escalator.]
Jen: "Go to the dance with me!"
James: "Why can't you just ask me nicely!"
Jen: "Because if I ask, you'll say no!"
James: "Why would I say no to a beautiful girl asking me out?!?"
Jen: "You–think I'm–beautiful?"
James: "Yes!" [Jen lets go and stands up.] "And obviously very motivated."
Jen: "Will you go to the dance with me?"
James: "Yes. Hi, I'm James."
[After lunch, Jean and Nikki pass by the table where most of her friends are seated.]
Jean: "I'm heading back to the Barn. See ya, Nik."
Nikki: "Catch up with you in a sec." [She sits down at her table as Jean moves on.]
Wyatt: "Who's that? Nik?"
Nikki: "That's Jean."
Jen: "The new girl?"
Caitlin: "The one you like so much?"
Caitlin: "She's totally into you."
Jude: "It's kind of obvious."
Jen: "Even I caught that."
Nikki: "Well you're all wrong."
Caitlin: "Has she given you a gift yet?"
Nikki: "Not really, unless you count her old passport."
Nikki: "Oh come on."
Caitlin: "She gave you a photo of herself. We're totally right!"
Nikki: [getting up] "Okay. Say whatever you want. I'm going to work now."
[Nikki leaves. Jonesy walks up to the table in a suit and tie, carrying a bouquet of flowers. He sits down.]
Jen: "You do realize that prom isn't for another two years and four months?"
Jude: "Dude, that suit is gonna reek!"
Jonesy: "Nikki hasn't asked me to the dance yet, so I'm just laying out a little sugar to catch my snake."
Wyatt: "Flies. Sugar catches flies."
Jonesy: "What catches snakes?"
Jude: "You gotta wear a snake trap."
Caitlin: "No, you need those metal sticks with a grabber at the end."
Wyatt: "My grandmother uses those to get cereal down from her cupboard."
Jude: "Why are there snakes in your grandmother's cereal?"
Jen: "Caitlin! Wayne alert."
[Caitlin quickly puts a scarf around her neck. Jen gives her an ice pack, which she holds to her head.]
Caitlin: "I told Wayne I was coming down with something and might not be able to go to the dance. Pretend I've been coughing a lot, 'kay?" [Wayne arrives with a pot.]
Jude: "Will you stop it with the coughing! You're making me crazy with the nonstop coughing!" [whispering to Wyatt] "How was that?"
Jen: "What's in the pot, Wayne?"
Wayne: "My grandmother's secret garlic chicken soup. Cures everything! I made you a batch so hopefully you can go to the dance. Hold on, I'll go find you a spoon." [He leaves.]
Jen: "Wow. He made you soup."
Jude: "That dude has one big fat heart."
Caitlin: "Aw, now there's no way I can get out of this."
Jonesy: "Good, 'cause I think he might be 'The One.'" [He laughs.]
[Nikki and Jean are folding clothes.]
Jean: "Look at you go! Nice folding, Nik." [She pats Nikki's shoulder.]
Nikki: "So, um, I guess you got to meet some cool guys while traveling all over the world, huh?"
Jean: "Yeah, totally."
Nikki: "So, any special guy out there pining for you?"
Nikki: "There must have been one guy. Y'know, somewhere. Some guy? Any guy?"
Jean: "Nik, if you're trying to find out if I'm gay–" [Nikki jolts] "–it's okay to just ask."
Nikki: "What? No, no, I was–it's not like I was–"
Jean: "Yes. I'm into girls. And I'm really flattered. But I already have a date for the dance tonight."
Nikki: "Oh! Kay?"
Jean: "Are we alright? Still friends?"
Nikki: "Yeah. Yeah!" [Jean walks away with her folded stack.] "She's just too darn cool."
[Jude, Wyatt, and Wayne are at Burger McFlipster's. Wyatt and Wayne are still on the clock.]
Jude: "Well, I guess we're going stag tonight."
Wyatt: "Sure. The dance'll still be fun."
Wayne: "ENNH! Sorry, losers. All guys must be accompanied by a girl to get in. Sadie Hawkins rules."
Tim: [walking by] "Ready for your next lesson, Wayne?"
Wayne: [happy] "Today is hip-hop and flamenco!" [He follows Tim.]
Jude: "Bro, we gotta find a way into the dance!"
[The dance has started. A heavily tattooed man guards the entrance. Jen and Caitlin are in line.]
Caitlin: [to James] "So, this is gonna be fun, right?"
Wayne: [angry] "Hey, James, you trying to steal my date? Ha ha ha ha! Ha!" [pulling James close] "You try that move again and I'll shave off your eyebrows, got it?"
[A scared James pulls Jen in front of him. The tattooed man unhooks the velvet rope to let everyone through, but rehooks it before Jonesy can pass.]
Jonesy: "Hey, hi, it's cool, my girlfriend's in there. Seriously, do I look like someone who wasn't asked out?" [The bouncer looks away.] "Hello? Spartans the Dutch?"
[Wayne is at the punch table, getting himself a cup, when he overhears James and Jen talking.]
James: "So Caitlin was talking to herself?"
Jen: "Yeah, but Wayne thought she was asking him out, and she was too nice to tell him the truth."
James: "Ouch." [Wayne spills some punch on the table. Nikki walks up to her friends.]
Nikki: "Have you seen Jonesy? That is so like him to be late." [James and Jen shrug.]
James: "You wanna dance?"
[Jen and James hit the dance floor. Jean walks by with her date, Connie.]
Nikki: "Hey Jean." [to herself, annoyed] "Jonesy, where are you?"
[At the other end of the floor, Caitlin is watching people go by with a smile on her face. A depressed Wayne walks up to her. He looks at himself, and then at her.]
Wayne: "You look really nice tonight."
Caitlin: [distracted] "Uh huh, yeah!"
Wayne: "Like that chick in Alien Monkey Feeders 4, have you seen it?"
Caitlin: [distracted] "Sure!"
Wayne: "Ha! Got you! There was no Alien Monkey Feeders 4, you're a liar!" [Caitlin flinches.] "Just like you lied about wanting to come here with me tonight." [She and some couples nearby gasp.] "That's right, I know. So–so I won't embarrass you any more than I already have!" [He stomps away.]
[Jude and Wyatt walk into the entrance of the dance hall. Jude is in drag. Suddenly, Jude stops Wyatt, and they walk over to a morose Jonesy.]
Jonesy: "Why are you always the girl?"
Jude: "Delicate bone structure."
Wyatt: "Why are you out here?"
Jonesy: "Nikki never asked me to the dance."
Jude: "Whoa. Heavy mojo smackdown."
Wyatt: "We'll let her know you're out here."
Jonesy: "No. Tell her that I hope she's having fun and that I went home." [He leaves.]
[Wayne is dancing excellently inside the dance. Everyone is applauding his moves, and he keeps the groove going until the end of the song, when he does the splits for his big finish. He comes back to a clapping Caitlin.]
Caitlin: "I asked you out by accident, but you've been really nice and I've been horrible. I'm sorry. Let's start over. Will you be my date?"
Wayne: "Blondie, you just made the best–"
Caitlin: "And not say things like that?"
Wayne: "Deal." [They shake on it.]
[Ethan is with a girl. Caitlin and Wayne meet them.]
Caitlin: "Hi Ethan! Nice to see you! So, is this your girlfriend?"
Ethan: "Nah. This is my cousin Ellen. She's new in town, so I said I'd show her around."
Wayne: "Ellen? Wayne. Probably been watching me on the dance floor. I'm very cool." [Ellen giggles.]
Caitlin: "Uh, Wayne? What are you doing?"
Wayne: "Ignore the blonde, I only said I'd be her date because I felt sorry for her."
[Wayne kisses Ellen's hand. Nikki walks up.]
Nikki: "Jonesy totally stood me up!"
Caitlin: "Wayne just dumped me for another girl!"
Nikki: "Ouch." [Jude and Wyatt walk up.] "Aren't you two just sad."
Jude: "Not as sad as Jonesy."
Wyatt: "Seems he couldn't get into the dance because he had no date."
Jude: "'Cause no one asked him."
Nikki: [comprehension dawning] "Oh no! Did I never ask him?"
[Nikki runs out of the dance.]
Wayne: "To the dance floor! Ha!"
[Three happy couples make their way to the dance floor: Wayne and Ellen, Caitlin and Ethan, and Jude and Wyatt.]
[Nikki runs into the darkened food court.]
Nikki: "Jonesy? Jonesy?" [spotting him by the Big Squeeze] "Jonesy? Hey. I'm sorry. I messed up."
[Jonesy doesn't respond.]
Nikki: "It's like–like breathing in and out, you know? You take it for granted, that the air is just there, but when you go to breathe and it isn't, it's a pretty big deal."
Nikki: "So–so I'm telling you that–you're a pretty big deal, and–well, a-a really big deal, you're such a big deal that I–"
Jonesy: "Stop. Just stop. You had me at 'You're a really big deal.'"
Nikki: "You're such a goof. A really big goof."
Jonesy: "Go big or go home." [They kiss.]
Nikki: "May I have this dance?"
[Jonesy and Nikki sway in the food court.]
[The dance is going really well.]
Ethan: "You were asking me out? I thought you were having a seizure!"
Caitlin: "You and me both."
James: "At least you weren't tackled."
Jen: "Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."
[Wayne and Ellen come back from dancing.]
Wayne: "Whew! It is hot out there! Hoo."
Jen: "Hey, you found him." [Jonesy and Nikki have arrived.] "And I see you've made up."
Wayne: [to another guy] "Hey! Are you hitting on my lady friend, pal?"
[Wayne heaves the punch bowl onto the dancer. The bouncer comes in and grabs Wayne.]
Jonesy: [laughing] "Awesome!"
Tattoo Muscle Guy: "Who'd you come in with?"
Caitlin: "That'd be me." [to Ethan] "Call me!" [They leave.]
Wyatt: [walking up] "Hey, Jonesy. Nice."
[Jude comes up to him. He is topless.]
Jude: [covering himself] "Uh-oh! I knew those straps were done up wrong!"
Wyatt: "We'd better find that fast, before–" [The bouncer holds out the top and gestures for them to leave.] "If anyone wants pizza, it's on me." [Jude and Wyatt leave. Their friends follow.]
Jonesy: "I'm in!"
Nikki: "Huh. Heck of a night."
Jonesy: "Best Laura Secord dance ever."