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Script


[A college-aged guy with a camera and his friend walk into the food court.]
Connor: "Remind me why we're in a mall?"
Josh: "Because our prof said we have to interview women from all walks of life."
Connor: "Fine." [eyes lighting up] "Whoa! Check out the hottie in the lemon hat! This oughta be good."
[The two go up to the Big Squeeze.]
Josh: "Hey."
Caitlin: "Hey."
[Josh and Caitlin blink at each other. Josh wiggles his eyebrows. Love is starting to blossom.]
Connor: "Hmm. I'm strangely reminded of the mating habits of the woodland baboon." [to Caitlin] "We're journalist students at Brownstone College doing a thesis on–"
Josh: "Uh, can we interview you?"
Caitlin: "Sure."
Josh: "Great! And...rolling!" [Connor starts the camera.] "So, uh, um–"
Caitlin: "Caitlin."
Josh: "Caitlin. Do you feel your job is colored by society's view of women?"
Caitlin: [animated] "Yes! I would love to be viewed by the world in colors that don't have to match lemon yellow! But with my job, that's just not gonna happen."
Josh: "And cut!" [Connor stops rolling.] "Wow. The way you used the lemon to symbolize women's burden was unbelievable!"
Connor: [unconvinced] "Yeah. I'll say."
Josh: "So, what's your major?"
Caitlin: "Oh. Well, I'm into major fashion, major shopping, and major retail."
Josh: [laughing] "You have such a great sense of humor. Are...you at Brownstone?"
Caitlin: "Uh...yeah." [Jen walks by.] "Bye Jen!"
Josh: "Who's that?"
Caitlin: "Oh. Uh, Jen and Nikki are my college girlfriends. We're–college roommates living in our–college dorm." [Nikki, sitting at the table, rolls her eyes. Josh looks over, and she salutes.]
Josh: "Uh, so, maybe we could go for coffee sometime."
Caitlin: "I'd love to!"
[Josh and Connor leave.]
Josh: "See you on campus."
Caitlin: [as soon as they're gone] "EEEEEE! Can you believe this? I have a date with a real live college guy!"
Nikki: "You do know that preppy thinks you're in college, don't you?"
Caitlin: "Oh, I can pass for a college student. No problem."
Nikki: "Why do I get the feeling you're in a speeding car heading right over a cliff?"
Caitlin: [ignoring Nikki] "Mmm...Josh."
[Nikki rolls her eyes.]


The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Smarten Up

[Nikki is sitting at the table with Jen when Caitlin walks up.]
Caitlin: "Hey there, fellow freshmen!"
[Nikki does a spittake. Caitlin is dressed in pink pumps, blue jeans, a tweed blazer, and a t-shirt.]
Nikki: [laughing uproariously] "C–C–Caitlin! You're wearing jeans? How did you know how to put them on?"
Caitlin: [ignoring Nikki] "My first date with my first college guy! I'm so mature."
Caitlin and Jen: "EEEE!"
Jen: "Love the blazer."
Caitlin: "Isn't it cute? It's tweed. I think I'm ready for it. Check out my piece de resistance." [She puts on a pair of glasses. Nikki muffles her chuckles.] "I got them at Four Eyes Supplies." [looking around, blind] "Do they make me look serious?"
Nikki: [laughing] "Seriously demented!" [regaining control] "Sorry." [She bursts into laughter again.]
Caitlin: "Nikki, laugh all you want, but I know I can pull this off."
Nikki: [behind her] "Yeah, except I'm over here."
Jen: "Um, Caitlin, you might want to replace the lenses in those glasses so they're not prescription."
Caitlin: "No, no, I'm fine. I've got it all under control." [In trying to find her way around, she grabs onto Nikki and Jen, pulling their hair.] "As of today, I am totally mature." [She falls into something offscreen.]
Stuart Goldstein: "Hey! Ouch."
Caitlin: "Ow!"
Stuart Goldstein: "Oh boy."


[Jude, Jonesy, and Wyatt are hanging out at Grind Me. Jude is drinking a cup of coffee.]
Jonesy: "You guys are not gonna believe the new slack job I got. You are looking at the next mall walkers' guide, in the flesh."
Jude: "Dude. You're an escort for old dudes and dudettes?"
Jonesy: "I prefer the word 'chaperone'."
Wyatt: "When does it start?"
Jonesy: "Already has! I'm working right now." [He points his thumb to an old man slowly making his way towards the shop.] "I've got at least a half-hour before the old guy catches up to me."
Jude: "Cool."
Jonesy: "Which'll buy me a lot of spare time to hunt for hotties."
Wyatt: "Nice!"
[Jude takes a sip and looks up in surprise.]
Jude: "Hey!" [He peers into his cup.] "There's a bottom of the cup contest on the bottom of my cup! Awesome!"
Wyatt: "Cool. What does it say?"
Jude: [peeling off the bottom] "The winner gets a pair of jet skis and many more amazing prizes!" [looking at his results] "Please try again." [taking Wyatt's coffee] "Don't mind if I do!"
Wyatt: "Hey, that's–" [Jude chugs Wyatt's coffee and burps.] "...mine."
[Jude peels off the sticker and looks at it.]
Jude: [disappointed] "Huh." [happily] "Ten coffees to go, please!"


[Caitlin is still prepping for her date with her friends.]
Nikki: [looking at a textbook] "Organo-metallic chemistry?" [Caitlin takes it away from her.] "Basic Machine Learning?" [Caitlin grabs this book as well.]
Caitlin: "I can't go to college without a proper curriculum. Here I am, world! Caitlin Cooke, freshman!"
Jen: "You look perfect, Caitlin."
Nikki: "Yeah, but, what are you gonna talk to Josh about? How you can't wait until you're old enough to vote?"
Caitlin: "I'll avoid politics."
Nikki: "How your mom extended your curfew to ten o'clock?"
Caitlin: [irked] "Actually, it's eleven."
Nikki: "You have to talk about topical, newsworthy events that provoke stimulating conversation."
[An awkward silence descends upon the three. It is broken only when Caitlin sighs.]
Jen: "Well, maybe after the first couple of dates, you'll be more comfortable, and Josh will like you for who you are."
Caitlin: [ecstatic] "Yes!"
[Caitlin looks over to Nikki, who still looks doubtful. Her lower lip quivers, and she hugs Nikki tightly.]
Caitlin: "Please! Make me college-friendly!"
Nikki: [rolling her eyes] "It's not like we can go on the date with you."
Jen: [getting an idea] "That's it! I know how we can help you. Have you ever heard of the phrase 'phoning it in?'" [She holds up her cell phone.]


[Jonesy is escorting an old lady through the mall.]
Jonesy: "Well Mrs. Bingham, how 'bout I meet you at the end of this hall in half an hour?"
Mrs. Bingham: "You're my guide! Which means you guide me, lazy loaf!"
[Mrs. Bingham hits Jonesy with her purse, and he gets a black eye.]
Jonesy: "Yeah, we don't need to get all serious about the job description, do we?"
[Mrs. Bingham brings her purse crashing down on his head.]
Jonesy: [looking up] "Oh no. Chick alert." [Blue Dress Girl is walking towards him.] "This is embarrassing! Let go of me!" [Jonesy tries to break free, and Mrs. Bingham begins wrestling him.]
Blue Dress Girl: [noticing them] "Aw. That is so sweet!"
Jonesy: "It is?"
Blue Dress Girl: "You're spending time with your grandmother? How adorable!"
Jonesy: "I am? Adorable?" [catching on] "Uh, yeah! Well, you know what they say. A garden of love grows in a grandmother's heart." [He pats Mrs. Bingham's head.]
Mrs. Bingham: "Don't talk twaddle!" [She smashes her purse into his face again.] "You said you wanted to go off on your own!"
[The girl looks at them, perturbed.]
Jonesy: "Granny, you know I was just going to get you some ginger for your tummy."
Blue Dress Girl: [adoringly] "Awwww."
Jonesy: "We have to go now, Granny. Your bunions start expanding at this time of day."
Mrs. Bingham: "You don't know bunions!" [She socks Jonesy in the stomach.] "And you're not my grandson!"
[Mrs. Bingham proceeds to lay the smack down on Jonesy. Jonesy gets up and sidles over to the girl.]
Jonesy: "Granny hasn't been herself since–" [whispering] "–the accident." [normally] "But I'll always be there for her." [He pulls Mrs. Bingham close.]
Blue Dress Girl: "Aww. Here's my number."
[The girl writes out her number on a slip of paper and gives it to Jonesy before they go their separate ways. Soon enough, Mrs. Bingham hits Jonesy in the face with her purse again.]
Jonesy: "Ow!"


[It is almost time for Caitlin's date. Nikki has her laptop open and set on the table.]
Caitlin: "Do I look okay?"
Jen: "Remember, it's not your looks he's after, it's your brains."
Nikki: [rolling her eyes] "Yeah right."
Jen: "You run into trouble, we'll text you what to say next. Nikki, you logged on to the internet okay?"
Nikki: "Check."
Jen: "Caitlin, is your phone on?"
Caitlin: [looking at it] "Check!"
Jen: "Okay then. Let's test this baby out." [She calls Caitlin.]
Caitlin: [answering] "Hello?"
Jen: "Good. Now drop it in your pocket and see if I can still hear you. Try saying something mature."
Nikki: "This is Mission Impossible."
Caitlin: "Urp!" [Josh has arrived.] "Hi Josh!"
Jen: [not noticing Josh] "Loud and clear!"
Josh: "Hey Caitlin. Wow. You look great, Caitlin. Ready to go?"
[Jen swiftly texts Caitlin with what to say.]
Caitlin: "Yes. I just returned from the student rally. Go team."
Josh: [slightly confused] "Uh, great."
[They leave. As they walk out of the food court, Caitlin puts on her glasses. She blinks and walks into a wall.]
Caitlin: "Oops."


[A huge tower of coffee cups is set up inside Underground Video. Jude tosses another sticker away.]
Jude: [annoyed] "Nothin."
[Jude peeks out from behind the stack. He raises his arm to put another cup on top of it. His teeth are chattering, sweat is breaking on his brow, and he overall looks like he's experiencing a caffeine overdose.]
Wyatt: "Hey."
Jude: [startled] "GAH! DON'T DO THAT, DUDE!"
Wyatt: "You know, maybe you better slow down there, Jude."
Jude: [shaking] "I gotta win dude the more I try the better chance I have."
Wyatt: "Okay, I can't argue with that logic, but–don't you think this is kinda extreme?"
[Jude stares at his watch. It ticks over from 4:14 to 4:15.]
Jude: "YES! COFFEE BREAK!" [calmly] "I could use a coffee." [He bolts from the store.]
Wyatt: "Jude, wait up! You gotta stop!"


[Inside Grind Me, Caitlin is on the couch, still wearing her glasses. She bats her eyes.]
Josh: [behind her] "Wow! So you're saying you studied Renaissance art?"
Caitlin: "Oh! Uh, yeah!" [She turns to face him.] "Renaissance art!" [reading her cell] "Particularly the works of the late Middle Apes. Ages, sorry about the typo. Oops! Laugh out loud."
Jen: "Gah! She wasn't supposed to read that last part. He's gonna think she's a total loser!"
Josh: "I don't know what you just said about monkey art, but that's what I like about you, Caitlin! You're so–quirky."
[Caitlin smiles.]


[Jen and Nikki have been at it for a while and are getting tired. Jen yawns.]
Nikki: "Ugh! How long do we have to keep this up?"
Jen: [suddenly alert] "Quick! She just told Josh she went to a Stephen Hawking lecture!"
Nikki: [typing] "Stephen Hawking? I'm on it."
Jude: [running by] "Hi dudes, bye dudes."
Jen: "She just needs to know who Stephen Hawking is."
Jude: [spotting Nikki's coffee and coming back] "Whoa!" [sniffing the air] "A double-double half-pump mochaccino sweet!" [Jude grabs the coffee.]
Nikki: "Hey!" [Jude, startled, drops the coffee on Nikki's laptop, destroying it.] "Oh, man!"
Jude: [jittery] "Bummer! I really needed that!"
Nikki: "Well what about my laptop?"
[Jude sinks down to the table and starts slurping up the coffee. Wyatt rushes up.]
Wyatt: "There you are! Jude, you gotta get yourself together, man!"
[Jude fishes in the bottom of Nikki's cup and pulls out the sticker. He smiles and reads it.]
Jude: "Please try again." [fed up] "Okay, dude! I said, okay!"
Nikki: "This laptop is seriously messed up!"
Wyatt: "That's not the only thing."
Jude: "Hey. You know what I could go for right now? A coffee." [He makes a run for it.]
Wyatt: "Wait, Jude! Stop!" [He runs after his friend.]
Nikki: [calling after them] "You're paying for the repairs, Jude!"
Jen: "Maybe I can help." [She starts typing on it.]
Nikki: "Ugh!" [She slams the laptop shut, closing it on Jen's hands.]
Jen: "OW!"
Nikki: "Oh! Sorry. Are you okay?"
Jen: [fingers throbbing] "Not really."
Caitlin: [through Jen's cell phone] "Stephen Hawking? Anyone?"
Jen: "Oh no. Caitlin!" [She tries to text.] "Ow! Ow!" [She drops her phone on the floor, and the line goes dead.]
Josh: "Forget about Stephen Hawking, it's you I'm interested in."
Caitlin: "Aww."


Jude: [running through the mall] "Drink and peel, drink and peel, drink and peel."
Wyatt: [chasing him] "No! You're losing it!" [He bumps into an old man.] "Sorry sir."
Jonesy: "Hey careful man, my grandfather has arthritis!"
Greeter Goddess: "You're so sweet."
[Jonesy leans on the old man's head and resumes wooing her. The old man looks at him angrily.]


[Caitlin and Josh are holding hands on the couch.]
Josh: "I had a great time tonight, Caitlin."
Caitlin: "Me too!"
Josh: "I think we should take our relationship to the next level?"
Caitlin: "Oh, I have a very strict policy about not kissing on the first date?"
Josh: "Cool. What I meant was, I'd like to get to know your friends."
Caitlin: [uncomfortable] "You wanna get to know my friends?"
Josh: "Yeah. I just thought if–"
[Caitlin pounces on him with a kiss, then pulls away.]
Josh: [dazed] "What was I talking about?"
Caitlin: "Uh, I think it was something about the Stephen Hawking lecture."
Josh: "No, weren't we talking about–" [Caitlin leaves a series of smooches on his face.] "–uh–who cares what we were talking about, right?" [They kiss again.]


[Jonesy, Nikki, Jen, and Wyatt are around the table. Jen struggles to pick up a drink with her smashed fingers and spills it. She groans. Caitlin comes up to her friends.]
Caitlin: "Listen, you guys have to help me. Josh wants to meet you. I can't fend him off any more. My lips are chafed!"
Nikki: "Okay. I have to hear this one."
Caitlin: "Josh wants to take the relationship to the next level."
Jonesy: "Alright, going for second base!"
Caitlin: "No! To him, the next level means hanging with my friends."
Jonesy: "Yeah, I've done–what?"
Caitlin: "Every time he brings it up, I kiss him, you know, to distract him. But it's not working anymore!"
Jonesy: [incredulous] "How could that not work?"
Wyatt: "Wait a sec! If meeting the friends is the next level, then I've gotten there a couple times! Would that be considered second base?"
Jonesy: "Hanging with the friends is not even on the base. I mean, you're not even in the stadium yet, buddy! You are still at home, digging in the couch, looking for bus fare to get to the stadium!"
Nikki: "I think we get it, Jonesy."
Wyatt: "Sheesh, just a question." [He takes a sip of his coffee and leaves.]
Jen: "What's the big deal, so we hang with Josh?"
Caitlin: "If he meets you guys, he'll find out I'm not in college! Then we'll be through!"
Jen: "So you want us to pretend to be college students?"
Caitlin: "Please? Just this last favor. As a friend?"
Nikki: "This is heading to a very bad place."


[Coffee cups litter the washroom. Jude is drinking coffees off of a pallet on his skateboard.]
Jude: "Nothing." [He slugs down another.] "Nope." [Down the hatch goes another one.] "Nada."
Wyatt: [walking up to him] "Give it up, bro!"
Jude: "They're calling my name, dude."
[Jude has begun to hallucinate and is so overstimulated that he sees Wyatt as a glowing figure.]
Wyatt: "Jude, just relax. Jude?"
Jude: "There they go again. Ssh! They're saying Jude, drink me. Then check my bottom to see if I'm the winning cup."
Wyatt: "I'm sorry, Jude. I hate to do this, but I have no choice."
[Wyatt hauls Jude upright and slaps him.]
Jude: "Ow! Thanks." [Wyatt slaps him again.] "Ow! Thanks." [Another slap.] "Ow-how! Thanks." [Slappy McSlapSlap!] "Ow! Thanks." [Ka-slap.] "Ow! Thanks." [Slap.] "Ow! Thanks." [Wyatt starts to cart Jude's coffees away.] "NOO-HO-HO-HO!" [Jude latches on to Wyatt's leg.] "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
Wyatt: [pouring the coffees out] "Tough love. You're cut off."


[The rest of the gang are at the table.]
Caitlin: "Okay guys. Ready to get your college game on?"
Nikki: "As long as it's just this once and then the horror will be over."
Caitlin: "Deal. Oh, here they come." [Caitlin puts on her glasses again and blinks. Josh and Connor walk up.] "Everybody, this is Josh and Connor. Jen, Nikki, and Jonesy."
Jen, Nikki, and Jonesy: "Hey."
Josh and Connor: "Hey."
Josh: "So, you guys in first year with Caitlin?"
Nikki: "Uh-huh."
Connor: "So what's your major?"
Nikki: "Oh, uh–"
Caitlin: "She's in astrology."
Connor: "Astrology?"
Josh: "Don't you mean astronomy?"
Caitlin: "Astrology, astronomy, who cares about one little letter? The universe is so profound, I think it's really arrogant to put such restrictive titles on things." [Connor nods in agreement.]
Connor: [to Jen] "Hey, what happened to your hands?"
Jen: "Oh, it happened in class. We were doing a-an archeological dig."
Connor: "Don't you have shovels for that?"
Jen: "We're seriously underfunded."
Connor: "Oh. I know what that's like."
Caitlin: "Isn't it cool the way we're all studying such interesting subjAAH!" [She tries to sit down and finds no chair behind her. Caitlin quickly gets up and giggles nervously.]
Josh: [to Jonesy] "Hey, we haven't met. I'm Josh. I'm in journalism." [They shake hands.]
Jonesy: "Jonesy. I'm really into the female anatomy." [Nikki looks at him disgustedly.] "If you get my drift."
Josh: "You're a gynecology student?"
Jonesy: "Uh okay."
Connor: "One of my dorm buddies is specializing too. So you must be an intern."
Jonesy: "Uh yeah. Hey, there's one of my patients now! Duty calls!" [He rushes off to attend to an old man.]
Connor: "That's your patient? I don't get it."
Jonesy: "Hey, who's the doctor around here?" [He leads George Bickerson away.]
Connor: "Well, we gotta get back to the dorm. We're electing a pizza steward today!"
Josh: "Yeah. Oh but hey, maybe later we could all meet for a flick?"
Caitlin: "Sure! Sounds great!"
[Caitlin and Josh kiss, and then the two college students leave. Jen and Nikki watch them go, slightly ill grins plastered onto their faces.]
Nikki: [turning to Caitlin] "You said this was the last time!" [Caitlin looks at her pleadingly.] "Oh brother."


[Jonesy and his charge are slowly moving through the mall.]
Jonesy: "Do you mind going a little faster? We have a date at the Gigantoplex in ten minutes."
George Bickerson: "We do?"
[Jonesy spots Jude exiting the coffeehouse.]
Jude: [jittery] "Dude, don't tell Wyatt. That coffee narc is on me like a hawk." [He turns around to see Wyatt right behind him.] "GAH!" [Wyatt beckons for the coffee, and he hands it over.]
Jonesy: "You're hardcore, dude. I wish I could get my mall-walkers to jump like that."
Wyatt: "Hey, that's it! Jude, you can keep ordering your coffee!"
Jude: "Y-yes!"
Wyatt: "You just won't drink it!"
[Jude looks at Wyatt, confused and slightly upset.]
Jude: "Why are you messing with my mind, dude?"
Wyatt: "He drinks it!" [He hands the coffee to the old man, who chugs the drink.] "That way, you can still save the cups to try and win, and–"
Jonesy: [seeing George start walking fast] "My rental grampa's moving faster! You're a genius, Wyatt!" [to George] "Hey, wait up!"
[Jonesy chases after his client. Jude picks up the cup and peels the sticker from its base.]
Jude: "Please...try...again."


[The gang and the college students are at the theater. Jude is missing and Jonesy has a date.]
Caitlin: "Everybody, this is my other college friend, Wyatt."
Wyatt: "Hey."
Josh: "Hey."
Connor: "Hi. I really want to see Bludgeoned Coeds 4. It's supposed to be brutal!"
Caitlin: "But it's restricted."
Connor: "Aren't all the good movies?"
Caitlin: "Of course they are. Good point."
Wyatt: "Bludgeoned Coeds 4? I've seen it. Not as gory as 2 and 3."
Connor: [taken aback] "Really? How did you see it? It's just opening tonight." [Jen and Nikki wince.]
Wyatt: "Oh, well, my dad directed it so, he gave me an advance screening."
Josh: [awed] "Your dad is Fang Yin Lee?"
Wyatt: [squeaking] "Yes."
Josh: "Cool!"
Caitlin: "How about Flowers For My Boyfriend instead? It's a romantic comedy."
Connor: "Cool."
Wyatt: "Yeah."
Jonesy: "It's all good."
Nikki: "Okay."
[The group walks into the theater, except for Caitlin, who blindly goes the other way. Jen grabs her friend and turns her into the movie theater.]


[After the movie, the friends move to Grind Me. Jonesy has lost his date, so it's just the seven of them.]
Caitlin: [blowing her nose] "That was such a sweet movie."
Connor: "Right. Like a guy would give up a trip around the world so he could bring flowers to his girlfriend."
Wyatt: "Looks like he overcame a major case of commitment-phobia."
Connor: "You a psych major or something?"
Caitlin: "How wild! He is! Aren't you, Wyatt?"
Wyatt: "Yeah. I'm taking a course called–"
[Wyatt stops and gasps. Jude has just run face-first into the plate glass storefront of Grind Me.]
Wyatt: "...Addictions and the Tough Love Road to Recovery."
Connor: "Hey, you in Bartlett's class too?"
Wyatt: "Uh, yeah."
Josh: [looking over to Jude] "Uh, what's wrong with your friend?" [Jude bangs on the glass.]
Wyatt: "Oh, don't draw attention to him. He's the subject for an assignment I'm working on."
[Jude peeks around the entrance. Wyatt stands up and angrily frowns at him. Jude whimpers and leaves.]
Connor: "Man. You take those assignments seriously. I was just gonna write an essay."


[Later on, the conversation has moved to stories about life experiences.]
Jonesy: "So there I was, outside on the ledge of the thirty-first floor, both mother and her newborn triplets healthy and happy."
Josh: "Wow! Isn't that amazing, Connor?"
[Connor doesn't reply, as his attention is fixed elsewhere. Outside, Jude is clawing at the window. George Bickerson comes by with a coffee, looking hyper and cheery, and Jude hastily starts talking. Suddenly, George clutches at himself and collapses. Jude pays no attention to this, instead grabbing the coffee and leaving the man for someone else to help.]
Wyatt: "That can't be good."
[Everyone but Jonesy rushes outside to make sure George Bickerson is okay.]
Jonesy: "I'm sure he's fine."


[The old man is being wheeled away on a stretcher by some paramedics.]
Caitlin: "Is he gonna be alright?"
Jen: "The paramedic said it's just overexertion. He should be fine."
Jonesy: "Then I don't get why I got fired."
Blue Dress Girl: "I can't believe you lied to me and you took advantage of those nice elderly people!"
Jonesy: "It's not my fault! How was I supposed to know he had a pacemaker?"
Gracie Bickerson: [walking up] "Ladies, you have to use the only language men understand."
[Gracie delivers a hard kick straight into Jonesy's privates. Jonesy groans and collapses, and the four women walk off, satisfied. Jude is wheeled by on a stretcher. He has had to be strapped down for his own safety.]
Jude: "Drink, and peel, drink, and peel, drink, and peel."
Connor: "Whoa. This is freakier than frosh week."
Kirsten: "Is there a doctor around here?" [She walks up to them.] "A lady is stuck in the change room at the Khaki Barn! I think she's gonna have...a baby!"
[Everyone gasps.]
Josh: [remembering] "That's okay! Jonesy here is a fifth-year gynecology student!"
[Everyone but Josh and Connor gasp.]
Kirsten: "But–Jonesy's not–"
Caitlin: "Jonesy's not the kind of doctor to shy away from this emergency. Are you, Jonesy."
Jonesy: [pained] "I'm really not up for it!"
Pregnant Lady: [offscreen] "Wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"
Kirsten: "Yeah. You'll do. C'mon!" [She yanks Jonesy off to the changing room.]
Pregnant Lady: "Naaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
Jonesy: "What in the heck is thaAAAAAHHHH! Holy man!"
Pregnant Lady: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
Jonesy: [crying] "Waa-haa-haa!"
Caitlin: [looking in the mirror] "I don't believe this."
Jen: "Yeah! A live birth happening right there in the change room!"
Jonesy: "Aah! There's something in there!"
Caitlin: "No! These halter tops are two for $15!"
Jonesy: "Aah!"
[A baby is heard crying. Everyone cheers.]


[The formarly-pregnant woman and her baby are being carted away by a new set of paramedics. Jonesy is then seen being taken away as well, apparently somewhat dizzy from the experience he just had.]


[Josh and Caitlin are sitting at a table in Grind Me.]
Josh: "So, your friends are great."
Caitlin: "Really? Thanks. I think so."
Josh: "Caitlin, there's something I have to–"
Caitlin: "The answer is yes. Yes, I'll go to the college formal with you. I already bought a dress!"
Josh: "Uh, oh–"
Caitlin: "I know, I know, I should have asked you what color you were wearing so we could coordinate."
Josh: "Does it have a return policy?"
Caitlin: "Wow. You really take your color coordinating seriously."
Josh: "Not really."
Caitlin: "Then why would you ask about the return policy?" [It dawns on her.] "You're breaking up with me!"
Josh: "I'm really sorry, Caitlin."
Caitlin: "I can't believe this! Why? Is it because of my friends?"
Josh: "Actually, yeah, they're just too–too–"
Caitlin: "Too what?"
Josh: "Serious! I mean, they're going on archeological digs in Peru and delivering babies in submarines! I'm in college. I just want to have fun."
Caitlin: "But–so do I!" [She removes her glasses.]
Josh: "Caitlin, it's okay that we're different."
Caitlin: "But–"
Josh: "Actually, I've found someone else. I'm sorry, but we've got a lot more in common."
Kirsten: [offscreen] "Josh?" [She walks up to him.] "There you are." [seeing Caitlin] "Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."
Josh: [arm around Kirsten's shoulders] "Well, good luck getting your Ph.D, Caitlin. I'm sure you'll do great. See you on campus!"
[After Josh leaves, Caitlin bursts into tears.]


[Five members of the gang are gathered around the table.]
Wyatt: "I'm impressed, Jude. Seven days and no coffee."
Jude: "Yeah. I think I finally stopped shaking yesterday."
Jonesy: [offscreen] "You won, Jude, you won!" [He runs up to the table with a coffee cup in his hand.] "I found your last coffee cup on the floor back there! It's a winner!"
Jen: "All right!"
Jude: [psyched] "No way! What'd I win, dude?"
Jonesy: "Free coffee for a year!"
[Jude freezes, still looking happy. Jonesy's eyes widen as he processes this information. Soon, Jude begins slamming his head onto the table in frustration.]
Wyatt: [referring to Jude's prize] "I'll take that."

Season 2 Scripts
Going UndergroundDeadbeat Poets SocietyCareer DayFish and Make UpAwake the Wyatt WithinUnhappy AnniversaryPillow TalkIn a Retail Wonderland...Midnight MadnessWelcome to the Darth SideThe New GuyMajor UnfaithfulnessWaiting to Ex-SaleLosing Your LemonThe HuntedLights OutA Ding from Down UnderThe Wedding DestroyersThe Lords of MalltownJonesy's Low MojoSmarten UpDirty WorkOver ExposedA Crime of FashionSpring FlingGirlie BoysSnow Job
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Hour-Long Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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