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Script


[Snow falls outside the Galleria Mall as Ron sits in his office sipping a coffee and listening to the radio.]
Radio Announcer: "As the storm of the year continues, we're looking at a record-setting snowfall. And all you parents and kids know what that means."
[Ron almost chokes when he realizes what it means.]
Radio Announcer: "Snow day!"
[Ron angrily finishes his coffee, crushes the cup, and turns on the security monitors. He sees bus after bus pulling up outside to let out teenagers and a food court stuffed with people who are almost grown.]
Ron: [hushed] "No. They've invaded."


[Ron rides through the mall, barely ducking various flying objects. He stops by the mall and takes in the utter chaos that the mall has descended into–a happy chaos, but chaos nonetheless.]
Ron: [scared] "Hundreds of teens with nowhere else to go. IT'S ARMAGEDDON!"


[While Ron is freaking out, the six teenagers we have come to know dismount an escalator.]
Caitlin: "Eeee! Guys, we get the whole day off school!"
Nikki: "I just realized something. We have the day off work, too."
Jude: "Awesome!" [Ron drives by.]
Ron: "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!"
Jude: "So if there's no school and no work, what do we do?"
Jonesy: "The only question, my friend, is what do we not do?" [Jude chuckles.] "You guys in for some fun?"
Caitlin: "No. I've got two days to get my dream date to ask me to the dance."
Jen: [slurring her words] "I have to make the decorations for the dance."
Jonesy: [mocking Jen] "What is wrong with your lips?"
Jen: [covering her lips and slurring her words] "Your little brother put muscle-relaxing cream in my lip balm!"
Jonesy: [laughing] "Nice! Clever, devious, semi-permanent, I like it."
Jen: [slurring her words] "Stop laughing!" [She gets in Jonesy's face.] "Robbie's been pulling pranks on Courtney and me all week! I am singlehandedly planning the school dance, and I need Robbie to leave me alone!"
Jonesy: "Okay, okay, sheesh! Wyatt, you in for some snow day fun?"
Wyatt: "Nah, I got rehearsal."
Jonesy: [stealing Wyatt's coffee] "All righty then, Jude, it's just you and me. Let's get into some trouble. Watch this. Three-pointer."
[Jonesy tosses Wyatt's coffee at a garbage can. It misses, sailing over the railing and landing on the ground in front of Ron. The coffee splashes out of the cup and onto the crotch of Ron's pants.]
Ron: "Dah!" [He hears laughter and looks up. Wyatt, Jonesy, and Jude are laughing at him.]
Jonesy: [still laughing] "Let's get out of here!" [They scatter.]
Ron: [melodramatic] "Mark my words! By the end of this day your butts will be mine!"


The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Snow Job

[Jen is making demands of her assistants while she sits with her friends. Her hair is styled oddly.]
Jen: "No, no, no, we need silver and white balloons! It's supposed to look like snow, remember? Move! Move!" [Her assistants leave.] "Ugh. How'd I get stuck planning a dance? Again?"
Caitlin: "Maybe because you're VP Social of the Student Council?"
Jen: "Oh, yeah."
Nikki: "Okay, I have to ask. What happened to your hair?"
Jen: "I've been trying different styles for the dance, but they always end up looking like this."
Caitlin: "Maybe a little less poofy." [She tries to squash down Jen's hair, but it pops up again.]
Jen: [sighing] "At least I have my dress picked out. It's pretty."
Caitlin: [clapping] "Oh, you're gonna look so hot!"
Ron: "What's going on here?" [He walks up to the teens.]
Nikki: "We're sitting and talking. Last time I checked, that was legal."
Ron: [pointing at Jen] "This one looks guilty. Her hair is abnormally large."
Jen: "Yeah. I know."
[Cheering distracts Ron. Stanley and some friends of his, including Robbie, are causing mayhem.]
Ron: [darkly] "I know what goes on on snow days."
Nikki: [sarcastically curious] "Really? What?"
Ron: "Mayhem! Pure, unadulterated mayhem!"


[As if to prove his point, a volleyball game has been struck up in the mall fountain, with Jonesy refereeing. Jude spikes a serve into a Greeter God's face, and Jonesy blows the whistle.]
Jonesy: "Ow! Nice spike, Jude! Three-two, on serve!"


Wyatt: "Sir, I think you're overreacting."
Ron: [in Wyatt's face] "AM I?!?"
Wyatt: [mumbling, cowed] "I dunno."
[Stanley lands his skateboard on the table and leaps off.]
Ron: [chasing him] "Hey, stop that table jumping, punk!"
Jen: [looking at her clipboard] "Okay, back to the dance. Nikki, can you help me with the ticket sales for the next two days, please?"
Nikki: "Oh, what the heck. It's fun to see people throw their money away."
[Kristen and Kirsten come up to the table.]
Kirsten: [to Kristen] "Can you believe the Winter Wonderland dance is this Saturday?"
Kristen: [gasping] "We're going to need body glitter."
Kirsten: "Oh, we so need body glitter!"
Kristen and Kirsten: "EEEEE!" [They walk away.]
Nikki: "How can people get so worked up about a school dance?"
[Caitlin and Jen gasp, appalled by this heresy.]
Caitlin: "It's the social event of the winter!"
Nikki: "Enh, it's a bunch of teens blowing good money on a smelly old limo, bad punch, and expensive dresses that they'll only wear once."
Jonesy: [running towards the table] "Hide, dude!" [He and Jude duck underneath the table.] "Did he see us?"
Jen: "Who?"
Jonesy: "Ron. The beach volleyball got a little out of hand."
Jude: "I think we're clear, dude." [They stand up.]
Jen: "So Jude, you booked the Lizowskimobile for Saturday night, right?"
Jude: "You bet, got a disco ball hooked up in 'er and everything!"
Wyatt: "My band's playing a set!"
Jen: "Awesome!"
Jonesy: "Sweet!"
Caitlin: [to Jude] "It's so cool that your mom drives the preschool bus, Jude."
Jen: "EEEE! We're gonna have fun!"
Caitlin: "I know!"
Caitlin and Jen: "EEEE!"
Nikki: [mocking] "Eeee! Wake me when it's over."
Wyatt: "So who are you taking, Caitlin?"
Caitlin: "Steph from biology. But he doesn't know it yet. We have such great chemistry. The other day we had this great talk about frog guts, and we both thought they were really gross! He could be The One."
[Caitlin's friends stare at her, unimpressed.]
Jen: "You have said that before."
Caitlin: "Yeah, but those guys are different. And look, I have magazines!" [She pulls a stack out from her purse.] "These all have articles on how to snag the perfect date."
Nikki: "You're all so obsessed with this dance."
Caitlin: "You're coming, aren't you?"
Nikki: "Whatever. Maybe. Probably." [She gasps.] "Oh no, Chrissy!"
[Chrissy has entered the food court. Nikki hides under the table.]
Chrissy: "Nikki! I see you under that table!"
Nikki: [pretending to pick something up] "Oh, look, there's my contact!"
Chrissy: "We have a zillion teens descending on the Khaki Barn because of this snow day! I need your help!"
Nikki: "Oh, yeah, uh-huh, I wish I could, but I don't work weekdays."
Chrissy: "You do now! Or you're out of a job."
Nikki: "Fine." [She trudges after her boss.] "I think I'd rather be at school."
Jen: [holding up a ticket box] "But what about the tickets! I need someone to sell tickets!"
Nikki: [taking the box] "I'll take them. Just send everyone to the Crappy Barn."
Jen: "Thanks Nikki." [to her male friends] "So, who are you guys taking to the dance?"
Jude: "Don't know yet."
Jonesy: "Haven't decided."
Caitlin: "Aren't you worried you won't have a date?"
Jonesy: "Look at me. Do I look worried? I like to keep my options open."
Jen: "What about you, Wyatt?"
Wyatt: "I've got–someone in mind."
Jen: "You're in love!"
Wyatt: [startled] "What? Uh-uh! No I'm not!"
Jude: "Yes, you are."
Jen: "You've got that look!"
Wyatt: "What look?!?"
Jonesy: "That Wyatt look. That look that says–" [mocking] "'I'm about to be totally wussy because I'm in love.'"
Caitlin: "Aww, Wyatt, that's so great! Do you need any help asking her out?"
Wyatt: "No thanks, it's under control."
Jonesy: [unconvinced] "Uh-huh. I'm gonna go look for a new job."


[Jude and Wyatt walk through the mall. Wyatt has his guitar slung across his back.]
Jude: "So who's the new betty?"
Wyatt: "Just this girl in my band, Marlowe. She plays bass guitar." [They walk up to Wonder Taco.]
Julie: "I just want to talk, you know!"
Darth: "Oh, here we go."
Julie: "And you take me for granted!"
Darth: "What are you talking about?!?"
Julie: "We never have lightsaber battles anymore? And–and–I can't remember the last time you did anything romantic!"
Darth: "Ec-squeeze me? I took you to the Star Trek convention last week! Doesn't that count for anything?!?"
Julie: "Oh, yeah, because your little brother got mono and you had an extra ticket. Big deal! That doesn't count, Darth!"
Jude: [to Wyatt] "Harshing my mellow!"
Julie: "We are so over! Finito! Finished!"
Darth: [falling to his knees] "No! Princess! Come back!" [weeping] "Juuullliieee!"
Jude: "Poor dude."


[Wyatt walks up to his band's rehearsal space. Inside, the bassist is demonstrating the capabilities of her new amp.]
Marlowe: "Guys, this new amp is so major."
Wyatt: [prepping himself] "Hey Marlowe, I was just wondering if you'd like to go to the dance–with me. Great! Cool. I can do this." [He walks in.]
Marlowe: "Hey! Come check out this new amp."
[Wyatt stares straight ahead, a horrid rictus on his face. Marlowe slowly stops playing and stares at him.]
Wyatt's thoughts: Say something! C'mon, Wyatt, she's staring at you! Say something before this gets really weird!
[Wyatt starts to shake and drops his taco on the ground. It splatters onto the floor and his pants and shoes.]
Marlowe: "I think you dropped your taco."


[Wyatt meets up with Caitlin in the food court.]
Wyatt: "Remember how you asked if I need help asking her out?"
Caitlin: "Yeah?"
Wyatt: "I need help."
Caitlin: "You've come to the right place! So where do you stand with her?"
Wyatt: "Somewhere between nonexistent and totally hopeless."
Caitlin: "You just need some confidence. And I have all the tools!" [pulling out magazines] "Check it out! The Top 20 Ways to Get a Date With Your Crush."
Wyatt: "That sounds promising."
Caitlin: "Do you have a backup plan?"
Wyatt: "No–"
Caitlin: "Wyatt! You have to have a backup plan! Let's make a pact that if our crushes shoot us down, we'll go together. Deal?"
Wyatt: [shaking her hand] "Deal."


[Jonesy has found work at a Mexican restaurant.]
Jonesy's Boss: "You have to wear the sombrero, bro."
Jonesy: "But it itches!"
Jonesy's Boss: "I know, dude, but everyone has to wear it. They want us to show CiCi Sombrero's spirit."
Jonesy: [putting it on] "Fine, but I don't have to like it."
Jonesy's Boss: "Ahem!" [She gestures to two customers. Jonesy turns around and sighs.]
Jonesy: [flatly] "Yo, welcome to CiCi Sombrero's, where the peppers are hot and the staff is cool."
Greeter Goddess: [snickering] "Nice hat."
Jonesy: "Yeah, no, I can't wear this." [He removes the sombrero.]
Jonesy's Boss: "Sorry dude, you're fired."
Jonesy: "Aww!"


[Jonesy runs into the Khaki Barn, where Nikki is working.]
Jonesy: "Hey, I just got fired, so you get to hang out with me."
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Oh joy. Look, I'm really busy, Jonesy."
Jonesy: "Don't worry, I'll help you." [He grabs the ticket basket.]
Blonde Wave Girl: "Two tickets, please."
Jonesy: "How about we go to the dance together, sweet lips?"
Little Cody: [grabbing Jonesy] "HOW ABOUT I POUND YOU INTO THE GROUND!!!"
Jonesy: [shaking] "No, that's okay, Nikki, give the girl her tickets!"
Nikki: [handing them over] "Sorry about that. He never learns."
[The girl gets her tickets and starts to leave. The jock growls, throws Jonesy to the ground, and follows her.]
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Smooth Jonesy. Real smooth."


[Wyatt and Caitlin walk through the mall.]
Caitlin: "Okay, we just have–" [She gasps and halts.] "It's him!" [Her crush is in the pet store, feeding a bird.] "Wait. Number five was 'show an interest in his hobbies.' Bingo." [Caitlin walks into the pet store, unaccompanied, and goes up to Steph.] "Hello."
Steph: "Hey. Welcome to Pets and the City. I know you."
Caitlin: "It's me, your lab partner. Caitlin."
Steph: "Right. So, what can I do for you?"
Caitlin: "I, um, could use some...bird food!"
Steph: "What kind of bird do you have?"
Caitlin: [pointing at the caged parrot] "Um, one of those."
Steph: "Wow, that's really cool! Wanna hold her while I get the food?" [He takes the bird out and perches it on Caitlin's arm.] "Her name's Medusa. Be right back."
[Steph goes off to get the food. The parrot inches up Caitlin's arm.]
Caitlin: [nervous] "Okay, little Medusa..."
[Medusa attacks. Steph, hearing the squawking, runs back to Caitlin. Medusa is messing up her hair.]
Steph: "Okay, just...hold still." [He takes Medusa back. Caitlin looks at her hair.]
Caitlin: "Aw. Okay, I'm late for something, bye!"
[Caitlin quickly leaves, embarrassed.]
Steph: "Wait! What about your food?"
[Medusa squawks.]


[Wyatt and Caitlin walk back to the lemon.]
Caitlin: "Ow."
Wyatt: [gasping] "That's her! That's Marlowe."
[A redhead and a girl with hair dyed purple are seated at another table, studying. Wyatt sighs dreamily.]
Caitlin: "You are in love! Now wipe that puppy dog look off your face and go for it." [She pushes him forward.] "You can do this." [Wyatt stumbles over.]
Wyatt: "Hey guys. Whatcha studying?"
Marlowe: "German, but we're really bad."
Wyatt: "I could help you study."
Marlowe: "Oh, you take German too?"
Wyatt: "Oh, sure! Hasselhoff es primo dein strussel?" [They look at him oddly.] "Lederhosen?"
Connie: "Those aren't real words."
Wyatt: "What was that? Coming!" [He escapes. Marlowe and her friend chuckle.]
Connie: "What a dolt!"
Marlowe: "Actually, I think he's kinda cute."
[Wyatt makes his way back to his table and sits down.]
Caitlin: "Another brain freeze?" [Wyatt thunks his head on the table.]
Wyatt: "Uh-huh."


[Jen has a new hairdo and is on the floor illustrating something.]
Coach Halder: "Masterson! What are you doing?" [He picks up the poster.] "Ah. Winter Wonderland dance, huh?"
Jen: [proudly] "Yes, Coach. I'm organizing it."
Coach Halder: "Not in here, you're not! Five-minute major! In you go!"
Jen: "But I'm not even working today." [Coach Halder pushes her forward, keeping a guiding hand on her back.]
Coach Halder: "Move, move! You know, I–I never made it to my school dance. The girl I loved turned me down. Said I was too intense. DOBBS! I WANT THAT PYRAMID HIGHER! NOW! NOW! Oh, what I wouldn't give to go back to high school." [suddenly cheery] "Go get 'em at that dance, tiger! Rowr!"
Jen: "Yes sir." [She picks up her phone and dials.]
Jonesy: "Yo, Nikki's phone, speak!"
Jen: "How are ticket sales going?"
Nikki: [to a girl buying tickets] "There are so many more useful ways to spend your forty bucks."
Jonesy: "Putting the most bitter girl in charge of selling tickets might not have been the best call."
[Robbie runs up and shoots his sister with a ball gun from point-blank range.]
Jen: "Ow! Jonesy, you had better come and get your brother now! He's doing that ninja thing again!"
Coach Halder: [offscreen] "Two more minutes, Masterson!"
Jen: "Aah!"


[Jude skates up to Caitlin and Wyatt, who are sitting by the fountain.]
Jude: "What's happening?"
Caitlin: "Waiting for our crushes to come by."
Jude: "Isn't that him?" [He points to a guy getting off the escalator.]
Caitlin: [running towards the escalator] "Hey! Steph! Wait up!"
Steph: "Hey. How's your head?"
Caitlin: "Fine. Look, I drew you something in art class. It's you!" [She hands over a poorly-drawn piece of art.] "My art teacher gave me a B-minus."
Steph: [slightly scared] "O-kay. Thanks. Seeya."
Caitlin: "Bye!" [She goes back to her friends.] "I think I'm making progress!" [She gasps.] "There's Marlowe!"
[Marlowe is in line at a food stand.]
Jude: "She's hot!"
Caitlin: "Go, go!"
Jude: "Be the dude. Be the dude."
[Wyatt walks up to Marlowe just as she receives an ice cream cone.]
Wyatt: "Hey, Marlowe! Let me get that for you." [to the vendor] "I'll have one too, please."
Marlowe: "Thanks."
Wyatt: "So, Marlowe, I was wondering–"
Vendor Girl: [giving him an ice cream cone] "Here you go."
Wyatt: "Thanks."
[Wyatt's ice cream falls off of this cone and splatters onto Marlowe's shoes. They both bend to pick it up and bonk heads. Wyatt falls over backwards.]
Morgana: [watching] "That was awesome."
Ron: "That's going to leave a mark."
Caitlin: [looking at her unconscious friend] "Oh, poor Wyatt. He's so not getting a date with her."
Jude: "No way."


Caitlin: "Wyatt? Wyatt?"
[Wyatt slowly opens his eyes to find that he's lying on the couch in Grind Me.]
Caitlin: "Hi!"
Wyatt: "Where am I?"
Caitlin: "At Grind Me. Do you remember what happened?"
[Wyatt's eyes bulge as he remembers what happened.]
Wyatt: [sitting up] "Oh, I just did. Did she laugh at me?"
Caitlin: "Just a little. But if she didn't care about you at all, she wouldn't have stuck around to see if you were okay, right?" [gasping] "Oh my gosh! Steph is here!" [Her crush is waiting in line.]
Wyatt: "Okay, just be cool and go talk to him."
Caitlin: [walking up to him] "Lab partner!"
Steph: [turning around, unhappy] "Hey, what's up?"
Caitlin: "Maybe, if you're not doing anything, we could figure out this frog anatomy thing."
Steph: "Cool."
Caitlin: "Snag us a table. I'll be right back." [She runs into the restroom and calls Wyatt.]
Wyatt: "Did he ask you?"
Caitlin: "Not yet. But I think he's going to. Hold on." [She leans forward on the edge of the counter and reapplies her lipstick. When she steps back, her skirt is wet.] "AAAAAHHHH! Wyatt, there was water on the sink, it's all over the front of my skirt!"
Wyatt: "That's okay."
Caitlin: "Okay?!? This is horrible! I look like I peed my pants! Oh, but if I stay in here too long and let it dry he'll think I'm going poo in here! Gross!"
Wyatt: "What're you gonna do?"
Caitlin: "I can't let him see me like this!"
[Caitlin spots the hand dryer. She runs over, turns it on, and shoves her crotch up against it. It breaks off the wall.]
Caitlin: "Oh! Ow!"
Wyatt: "Caitlin?"
Caitlin: "What's he doing now?"
Wyatt: "He's checking his watch."
Caitlin: "And my skirt's still not dry! Umph!"


[After a long time, Caitlin finally exits the bathroom, skirt dry.]
Caitlin: "Okay. I can do this."
Wyatt: "Sorry. I guess he gave up."
Caitlin: "He's gone?" [She sits down on the couch and sighs.] "This is so not going the way I planned. We'll have to go with each other."
Wyatt: "Would that be such a bad thing?"
Caitlin: "Yes! No offense."


[Nikki is tossing clothes around at work. Jonesy comes up to her.]
Jonesy: "What're you doing, Nikki?"
Nikki: "Oh, just remembering another reason I hate dances. And my job."
Jonesy: "Yeah, sucks to be you. So you wanna grab a burger or something?"
Nikki: "Okay, but this time, you're paying."
Jonesy: "I paid last time!"
Nikki: "Oh, right, El Cheapo paying for someone else? I don't think so!" [Jonesy throws clothes at her.] "Hey!" [She slings clothes back at him.]
Jonesy: "Hey!" [He throws some back, and a playful clothes fight erupts.] "Stop it! Cut it out! I'm warning you!"
Chrissy: [angry] "Look at what you've done–" [The clothes stop flying.] "–to my boxers display!"
Nikki: [clearing her throat] "You know, you're right. We shouldn't do that. In fact, I'm gonna take my break right now and think about what I did wrong."


[Wyatt and his band are jamming. They end the song with a flourish.]
Marlowe: "Bathroom break!" [Everyone but Wyatt rushes out of the room.] "Connie, you coming?"
[Wyatt picks up his phone and calls someone.]
Caitlin: "Hello?"
Wyatt: [whispering] "It's me. I'm running out of ideas."
Caitlin: [picking up a magazine] "Okay, hold on. Opp, here's something. Ten Things To Do To Your Crush. Number One: go through their personal things so you can find out more about them."
Wyatt: [whispering] "Thanks Caitlin. You're the best." [He goes over to Marlowe's purse.]
Caitlin: [checking the title again] "Ten Things To...Never Do To Your Crush? Uh oh."
[Caitlin tries to call Wyatt back, but he's preoccupied with searching Marlowe's purse. Marlowe and Connie come back from their bathroom break.]
Marlowe: "What are you doing in my bag?"
Wyatt: "I–uh–" [Marlowe snatches her purse away from him.]
Connie: "Freak."


[Wyatt, Nikki, Jonesy, Caitlin, and Jen are around the table. Jen is trying out dreadlocks.]
Wyatt: "I have never been so humiliated."
Jonesy: "Oh come on. You've made a fool of yourself lots of times."
Wyatt: [sarcastic] "Thanks."
Jonesy: "Anytime."
Jen: "You can't quit, Wyatt."
Caitlin: "Why not? Now our crushes think one of us is a weird stalker, and the other one goes poo in the mall."
Jen: "Yeah, that is pretty bad."
Caitlin: "Speaking of bad, you should really rethink the dreads. You can't really pull them off."
Jen: [sarcastic] "Thanks. So where's Jude?"
Jonesy: "Over there."
[Jude is chugging from a giant jar of something green while a crowd cheers him.]
Crowd: "Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude! Jude!"
Jude: [dropping the nearly empty jar] "Yes! I rock the coleslaw!"
[The crowd cheers him. Jude comes over to his friends, belly ballooning, and sits down. He farts.]
Caitlin: "Jude, that's so gross!"
Jude: "Oops. Sorry." [Ron comes over.]
Ron: "You, with the protruding belly. Abusing cabbage products is a ticketable offense." [A soccer ball hits him in the head.] "Ow! Alright, who did that!" [He runs in the direction the ball came from.]
Jude: "So, you guys up for some fun now, or what?"
Nikki: "So long as it's not related to the dance in any way, I'm in."
Jonesy: "I've got an idea."


[Caitlin skates onto the mall's ice rink.]
Caitlin: "We're skating!"
Jude: "Wicked!" [He leaps onto the ice.] "WHOA-HO-HO-HO!" [He falls. Apparently he forgot to take off the guards.] "I forgot my guards."
Nikki: [sitting on a bench] "This is not what I had in mind."
Jonesy: "C'mon, you can do it." [He offers her his hand.] "I promise, I'll hold on to you the entire time. Plus, you could use the exercise."
Nikki: [cheered up] "Oh, bite me." [She nearly falls.] "WHOA!" [Jonesy catches her.]


[Jude is on the ice, watching the Zamboni polish it.]
Jude: "Whoa."
[Jude watches the machine go by, awed by its majestic splendor. Stanley skates up behind Jude and slams a hockey stick through his legs, wounding him.]
Jude: [collapsing] "I will ride it. Oh yes!" [voice getting higher in pitch] "I will ride it!"
[Jude blacks out.]


[Jonesy escorts Nikki onto the ice, holding on to her all the way.]
Jonesy: "Don't worry, I won't let go of you. See? It's not that hard."
Nikki: [amazed] "I'm skating!"
Jen: "Woohoo! Go Nikki!"
Caitlin: "She's so still hung up on him."
Jen: "Oh, I know. And he has a picture of the two of them up in his room!"
Jonesy: "That's it, you're doing great..." [A pretty girl skates by.] "Keep going." [He lets go.] "Tara!"
Nikki: [losing her balance] "Whoa, oh, whoa–"
Caitlin: [looking into the bleachers] "Ooh, look, it's Steph. I'm gonna show off for him. Hey Steph!"
[Caitlin skates forward and does a very good skating trick, but lands right in Nikki's path.]
Nikki: "Oh. No. YAAAAAAAHHHH–"
[Nikki and Caitlin collide. They fall onto the ice.]
Steph: "Ouch."
[Nikki's friends, except Jonesy, skate over to the downed bodies.]
Jen: "Nikki! Help her to the boards, guys, she needs a hot chocolate, STAT."
Wyatt: [whispering] "Did Steph see that little crash?"
Caitlin: "Totally."
Nikki: [being helped away] "Stupid Jonesy. I mean, what is he doing?"
Jen: "I'm sure he was just saying hi?"
[Jonesy and Tara go by, having struck up a conversation.]
Student Council Member: [running up to Jen] "Jen! One of the chaperones for the dance just backed out!"
Jen: [sighing] "Okay. The important thing is not to panic." [panicking] "WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND ANOTHER CHAPERONE NOW?!?!?" [to her friends] "It's school rules! No chaperones, no dance! They'll cancel the whole thing! This is so bad!"
[Steph and his friend leave. Caitlin notices.]
Caitlin: "Oh, who cares? I'm not gonna have a date anyway."
Jonesy: [skating up to them] "I am psyched to report that Tara Johansen did recognize me from the hockey team."
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Congratulations, all-staAAAH!" [She falls over.] "Ow!"
Jonesy: "Wow, you really can't skate." [Nikki grabs him.]
Nikki: [punching Jonesy] "You said you wouldn't let me go!"
Jonesy: "Hey! Stop! I thought you were doing fine!"
Nikki: "Well obviously you were wrong!" [Jonesy begins to fight back.]
Wyatt: "Should we break this up?"
Jen: "Mmm...no. Let them get it out of their systems."
Jude: "Five bucks says Nikki takes him down."
Jen: "I'll take that action."
Jonesy: "Hey! Stop!" [He pulls Nikki's sweater over her head.]
Nikki: "Hey! Hey!" [She falls over.]
[Jen and Jude look on. Jen holds her palm out, and Jude hands her a bill. A loud whistle blows.]
Ron: [running onto the ice] "All right that's enough! Who started this brawl?"
Jonesy: [at the same time as Nikki] "She did!"
Nikki: [at the same time as Jonesy] "He did!"
Ron: "There's one way to settle this."


[Ron locks up both Nikki and Jonesy in jail.]
Nikki: "This is so unfair!"
Jonesy: "Yeah, she started it! I know my rights!"
Ron: [terse] "Listen up maggot. You're in my house now. And I'm going to keep you here as long as I want."
Nikki: "You can't keep us past closing!"
Ron: "Then I'm going to keep you here until closing!"
Nikki: "Uhf!"


[More teens have been put in jail. Jonesy rattles a tin cup against the bars of the cage.]
Jonesy: "Hello? Can we get some food in here, I'm starving?" [to Nikki] "Do you think I'll have a record?"
Nikki: "Oh shut up, Jonesy."
Jonesy: "I better not get a black eye."
Nikki: "You know, you'll never get a date with her. She may be a shallow flake, but she's also the apex of the high school food chain."
Jonesy: "So? At least she was nice to me."
Nikki: "Oh, what, and I'm not nice? You haven't even apologized for dropping me on my butt."
Jonesy: "I can't believe you don't know how to skate. Everybody skates."
Nikki: "See? This is what I'm talking about. You are an insensitive jerk. Why would any girl go out with you?"
Jonesy: "You did."
Nikki: "Yeah, well I won't make that mistake again. Not even if the entire future of the human race depended on me going out with you for survival!"
Jonesy: "Yeah? Well good, because even if I was extinct, I wouldn't ask you out."
Nikki: "If you were extinct, you couldn't ask me because you'd be dead!"
Jonesy: "Well, yeah! So–touché!"


[Jen, Wyatt, and Caitlin are sitting in the bleachers by the ice rink.]
Caitlin: [sad] "Wyatt, do you realize that we are the two biggest losers in the mall?"
Wyatt: "At least we're not in jail."
Jen: "Maybe you're being too subtle. Guys aren't as quick to pick up on hints as girls are. I think you should kick it up a notch."
Wyatt: "I'm not so sure."
Caitlin: "Maybe Jen's right! Go big or go home!"
Jen: "Attagirl! Now you go get that guy!"


[Jude is hanging out in the back room with the Zamboni driver.]
Jude: "Wicked cool hangout, bro!"
Bruno: "You know, back in '82, when I started this job, driving the Zamboni really meant something. People respected you."
Jude: "So are you the guy who picks up the hockey players' teeth when they get knocked out?" [The driver nods.] "Awesome!" [bowing in worship] "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! I'm not–"
Bruno: "Whoa whoa, what are you, some kind of weirdo?"
Jude: "No, I just really dig Zambonis."
Bruno: [dangling the keys] "Oh, you wanna fuel her up for me?"
Jude: "Yes, I will do that for you, sir!"
[The keys fall into Jude's hand.]


[Jonesy is sitting on a jail bench next to Nikki and panting.]
Jonesy: "Is this cell getting smaller?"
Nikki: "Maybe your ego's filling it up."
Jonesy: [removing his clothes] "Seriously, it's hot in here."
Nikki: "Right. Jonesy, do me a favor and shut up?"
Jonesy: "I feel all cramped, I've gotta get out!" [clutching at the bars] "Yo Ron, help, I can't breathe!" [Nikki slaps him.] "Ouch."
Nikki: "Jonesy, look at me! You have to calm down! You're just fine! There's lots of air in here, okay?"
[Jonesy's breathing slows and he looks at Nikki. He smiles at her, and she smiles back. They lean into each other, ready to kiss, when Ron interrupts.]
Ron: "Alright you two, break it up. You're free to go." [He throws open the cell door.] "For now." [Jonesy and Nikki leave.] "But I'll be watching you."
Fat Guy: "Catch you later, girly man!"
Jonesy: "Hey, I get claustrophobic! It's a condition!"


[Jonesy and Nikki walk through the mall. Jonesy is still clad in nothing but his underpants.]
Nikki: "You know you're naked. Later." [She goes in another direction.]
Jonesy: [looking at himself] "AAAH!" [He covers himself and blushes.]


[Wyatt is alone in the rehearsal room, figuring out a song he's writing.]
Wyatt: "I know I'm not the coolest guy/But there's a burning desire inside/ There's something that I got to say/You're the reason I wake every day/The reason I wish I could say–" [Marlowe peeks in.] "You're my everything/And girl I need you now." [to himself] "Yeah. That's good. Very good. Yeah." [singing] "You're the reason–" [He sees Marlowe.] "–lie awake...every...night..." [He trails off. Marlowe applauds.]
Marlowe: "Wow. That was really good, Wyatt."
Wyatt: [blushing] "Thanks. I, uh, kinda wrote it for you, actually."
Marlowe: "Really? That's so cool!"
Wyatt: [shocked] "It is? I thought you hated me."
Marlowe: "No! Actually-I-uh-was kind of–hoping we could–"
Wyatt: "Do you want to–"
Marlowe and Wyatt: "Go to the dance with me?" [They laugh.]
Marlowe: "Yes! Yes!"
Wyatt: "Cool."
Marlowe: "So I guess I'll see you Saturday."
Wyatt: "Definitely."
[Marlowe leaves, and Wyatt sighs contentedly.]


[Jonesy is by the fountain. He takes out his phone and calls someone.]
Jen: "Hello?"
Jonesy: "Okay, I just had the weirdest experience with Nikki in jail."
Jen: "Jonesy, why don't you just ask her to the dance? I know you want to."
Jonesy: "No way! She dumped me, remember? Nobody dumps Jonesy, and then gets another chance to dump Jonesy. Again."
Jen: "Well I think you're being childish. I have to go."
[Jen hangs up. Tara comes by, talking on her phone and crying.]
Tara: [crying] "But Justin, no. Don't do this. But the dance is this weekend! Well I hope you both choke on the food!"
Jonesy: [coming up to her] "Hey. You okay?"
[Stanley shoots her, knocking her purse loose and into the water. He cackles and runs away.]
Jonesy: "Hey! Get back here, you little punk!"
[Jonesy grabs Stanley and carries him to the fountain. Jonesy reaches in, gets Tara's bag, and hands it to her.]
Jonesy: [putting Stanley down] "Now scram."
[Stanley does as commanded.]
Tara: "Wow. That was so nice of you."
Jonesy: "Well it seemed like you were having a pretty bad day."
Tara: [crying] "My boyfriend just dumped me. For Tricia! Now I don't have anyone to go to the dance with!"
Jonesy: "You do now."
Tara: "You and me?" [thinking about it] "Okay." [after a beat] "What's your name again?"


[Jude is hugging the Zamboni.]
Bruno: "Gotta get going. Time to condition the ice."
Jude: [as Pomp and Circumstance plays] "Dude, I beg you. Let me answer that burning desire in the heart of every hockey fan. To just once drive the Zamboni!"
Bruno: [handing over the keys] "Go for it."
[Jude drives the Zamboni onto the ice as the crowd cheers.]
Jude: "I am so stoked! Yes!" [approaching the wall] "Uh oh." [unable to find the brakes] "WHERE ARE THE BRAKES, DUDE?!?"
Bruno: "Uh...ZAMBONIS DON'T HAVE BRAKES, MAN!"
Jude: "AAAAAAHHHHH!"
[The Zamboni crashes through the wall of the ice rink and into the mall. People scream and scatter as Jude takes the Zamboni off the ice.]
Jude: "Ha ha! Yes! This is awesome!"
Ron: [into a walkie-talkie while driving his cart] "I am in pursuit of a renegade Zamboni. Repeat: runaway Zamboni!"


[Jen, Wyatt, and Nikki are at the table when Jonesy walks up and sits down.]
Jonesy: "I just snagged the hottest chick in school for the dance."
Wyatt: "Tara Johansen? How?"
Jonesy: "Must be my good looks."
Jen: "Or the fact that her boyfriend just dumped her?"
Nikki: "So you're taking advantage of her weakened state of mind."
Jonesy: "Hey! My mind is just as weak as hers!"
Nikki: "You know what? You're perfect for each other."
Jonesy: "Why are you suddenly acting like a jealous girlfriend?"
Nikki: "I'm not acting like anything!" [She gets up and leaves.]
Jonesy: [to the remaining friends] "What?"
[Jen rolls her eyes.]
Wyatt: "Hey, I have some news."
Jen: "Uh, do you guys hear something?"
Jude: [offscreen] "Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!"
Jen: "Oh, it's just Jude." [Her eyes bulge.] "JUDE?!?"
[Jude drives by in the Zamboni, along the way crashing into the lemon and sending it rolling.]
Jonesy: "Dude, what are you doing?!?"
[Jen, Wyatt, and Jonesy get up and chase the Zamboni. Ron brings up the rear as Jude drives the Zamboni all the way into the Penalty Box, where it runs into a hockey net and stops.]
Jude: [boisterous] "Oops!"
Jen: "My hockey display!"
Coach Halder: "Five-minute major, Masterson."
Jen: "What? But I didn't have anything to do with this! Uh, Jude!"
[Jude hops down from the Zamboni and is confronted by an angry Ron.]
Ron: "You! You are banned from the mall forever! And I'm revoking your driver's license, maggot!"
Jude: "You can't do that!" [Ron grabs him by the scruff of his neck.] "Ow!"
Ron: "I just did, soldier." [He leads Jude out.]
Jen: "But–but–Jude was supposed to drive us all to the dance in his mom's bus! AAAAAHHH!"


[Steph is talking to a friend at Grind Me when a gigantic penguin waddles in.]
Steph: "And did you see Ronan's last goal? It was–"
Caitlin: "Hi Steph!"
Steph: "Oh. Wow."
Caitlin: "I was just thinking about that movie about the penguins, and how they chose one significant other and stayed with them for the whole movie!"
Steph: "Yeah?"
Caitlin: "And..." [pecking him] "I've chosen you!" [patting him] "You're my penguin!"
[Steph stands up and pushes Caitlin away from him.]
Steph: "Okay, you have to stop stalking me right now. I don't need any pictures of myself, you totally ditched me at the coffee shop, and this penguin stuff is really freaking me out! Just leave me alone!"
[Caitlin bursts into tears and waddles out of the store.]


[Jen is sitting in the penalty box of the Penalty Box when Coach Halder steps inside and sits down next to her.]
Coach Halder: "I think what you need is a bit of psychological coaching. What's going on in that head of yours?"
Jen: "If I can't find a chaperone in the next 36 hours, the dance will be cancelled."
Coach Halder: "Chaperone, huh? I'll do it."
[Jen imagines a world where Coach Halder is allowed to chaperone a school dance.]
Coach Halder: [separating a couple] "You two! Break it up!" [stealing a guy's cup] "That's too much punch!" [blowing his whistle on two other dancers] "Two minute penalty!"
[Jen comes back to reality.]
Jen: "Uh–I'll let you know."
[A giant, crying penguin waddles over and wedges herself between Coach Halder and Jen.]
Caitlin: [crying] "Jen, I'm so embarrassed! Steph called me a weird penguin stalker and now I have to go to the dance with–" [wailing] "–WYATT!"
Coach Halder: [uncomfortable] "Oh, ah, ahump. This is way out of my league. Boy, I must have something to do over there. I'll go do it." [Coach Halder bounds out of the cramped penalty box.]
Jen: "Aw, Caitlin, it's gonna be okay." [worried] "Did you really ask him out in a penguin suit?"
Caitlin: "You told me guys don't get hints."
Jen: "Wow. That's not really what I had in mind."


[Nikki, Jen, and Caitlin are sitting around the table.]
Nikki: "It could have been worse."
Jen: "Really?"
Nikki: "No."
Caitlin: "At least I have Wyatt to go with."
[The boys walk up to the table.]
Jude: "Guess what? The Zamboni dude's taking me on as his apprentice!"
Jonesy: "That's wicked, dude." [They bump fists.]
Ron: "Yo, maggot! I thought I banished you from the mall!"
Jude: "Oh, you mean like, today."
Ron: "Now, soldier, now!" [He shoves Jude in front of him and pushes him towards the exit.]
Wyatt: "So, are you okay?"
Caitlin: "I'll get over it. It's not like I have to go alone or anything."
Wyatt: "Actually, I can't go with you."
Caitlin: "What do you mean?"
Wyatt: "I asked Marlowe, and she said yes."
Jonesy: "Dude, nicely played."
Caitlin: "Wait, you have a date? But you're supposed to be my backup!"
Wyatt: "Yeah, but I got a date."
[Caitlin starts hyperventilating.]
Caitlin: "You mean–I'm gonna be–stuck–going–to the dance–alone?!?"
[The realization sinks in.]
Caitlin: "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"


[Wyatt, Nikki, Caitlin, and Jonesy are seated inside Grind Me.]
Caitlin: [crying] "I can't believe two guys said no to me in one day."
Nikki: "You can still go stag. I'm still going."
Caitlin: [wailing] "I can't! I'm not strong like you!"
Nikki: "It's no big deal. There's just no one worth going with."
[Jen is standing by the entrance, trying to sign up a chaperone.]
Jen: "Excuse me sir, would you like to chaperone a dance for us? Ma'am? Chaperone? Anyone? It's just four hours of your time, people!" [Darth walks in, head down. He sighs and sounds as if he's on the verge of crying.]
Nikki: "What's with him?"
Wyatt: "Julie dumped him."
Jonesy: "Poor sap. I know what that's like." [loudly] "Stay strong, brutha!"
[A redhead in a coconut bikini and grass skirt takes a seat next to Jonesy.]
Jonesy: "Aloha."
Jude: [falsetto] "Aloha, dude."
Jen: "Can we help you?" [Jonesy begins cuddling Jude.]
Jude: [whispering] "Dude, it's me."
Jonesy: "Aaah!" [shying away from Jude] "Jude, dude, you totally had me."
Jen: "Any luck on finding us a ride to the dance?"
Jude: [falsetto] "Not yet."
Jen: "Jude! I put you in charge of one thing!"
Ron: "Ah-ha-ha!" [He leaps out from behind the couch.] "I knew it! Out, out, out!"
[Ron chases Jude out of the store. A guy talking on a cell phone goes by.]
Jen: "Would you like to be a chaperone?"
Coach Halder: [leaping out from behind the couch] "I'll do it! Put me in, Masterson, if there's one thing I can do it's keep teens in check."
Jen: "No."
Coach Halder: "I'll give you two days off next month."
Jen: "Nope."
Coach Halder: "Okay, three. With pay."
[Jen has to think about this offer.]
Jen: "Okay, fine."
Coach Halder: "Yes! Ooh, wow!"
Jen: "But you have to let us have fun."
Coach Halder: "Fun is my middle name. Yeah! Waitaminute. I better go rent a tux before they sell out. I love those penguin suits."
[The mention of penguin suits sets Caitlin off again.]
Jonesy: "So who wants to talk about the afterparty?"
Nikki: "Ugh!" [She puts the tissues down besides Caitlin and storms off. Jen slaps the back of Jonesy's head.]
Jonesy: "What?"
Jen: "You just don't get it, do you?"


[Jonesy is once again hanging around the Khaki Barn.]
Nikki: "You know, I really don't need your help here."
Jonesy: "I don't have anything better to do."
Jock: [walking by] "So, you and Tara Johansen. Very nice."
Dreadlocked Teen: "Way to go! That's inspirational!"
Skater Boy: "Wicked moves, man, I wish I'd thought of that one."
Nikki: "I would really rather work alone."
Jonesy: "You're just jealous that the Jonesmiester is off the market."
Nikki: "Yeah, I really wish I was going out with someone who's just using me to get back at her ex."
Jonesy: "You're wrong! She really likes me!"
Nikki: "Okay, you know what? Whatever."
[The Clones walk by.]
Kristen: "EEEE! I just booked us hair appointments at Fredrich's!"
Kirsten: "Oh, that's so perfect!"
Chrissy: "Aw! You guys get to go, and I have to stay here!"
Kirsten: "Oh, Chrissy! I'm so sorry the Midnight Madness sale had to fall on the night of the dance!"
Kristen: "Yeah, I'm so glad I'm not you."
[The nearly-identical trio walk away. Jen walks in, hair now in a ponytail that looks a lot like a squirrel's tail.]
Jen: "Hi."
Jonesy: "Gah! Sorry. Your hair scared me. So what is Nikki's problem today? She's acting like a total psycho."
Jen: [annoyed] "Nikki?" [She walks away to find her friend.]
Jonesy: "What?"


[Jen finds Nikki sitting by the mall fountain.]
Jen: "So. What's going on here?"
Nikki: [sighing] "Okay. I'm really–into Jonesy."
Jen: "EEEE! I knew it!" [She hugs her friend.]
Nikki: "But I don't know what to do! And now he's taking that stick insect to the dance!"
Jen: "Why don't you talk to him about it?"
Nikki: "Have you seen her? She's gorgeous! I can't compete with that."
Jen: "You don't have to! You're Nikki! You're worth a hundred Taras!"
Nikki: "Yeah. Tell that to Jonesy."
Jen: "I think you should come to the dance."
Nikki: "What, alone?"
Jen: "You can't let him get the better of you. And you won't be alone. You'll be with us."
Nikki: [after a pause] "I'll think about it."


[Jonesy and Wyatt have brought their dates to the table, where Caitlin is sitting.]
Caitlin: "You guys look amazing."
Wyatt: "I wish you were coming, Caitlin."
Caitlin: "Me too."
Jonesy: "Wow. You look really pretty, Nikki."
[Nikki has arrived and is wearing a purple dress.]
Nikki: "Thanks. So do you guys."
Tara: "I know, right? Are you going alone?"
Nikki: "Looks that way."
Tara: "Bummer."
Jen: "Hi guys."
[Jen has arrived with her date. She is in a pretty pink dress and has finally found a hairstyle that suits her.]
Caitlin: "Jen, you look perfect!"
Jen: "I took your advice and went to a salon. It took three hours! I've never had an updo before."
[Robbie drops a yellow water balloon from the second level onto Jen. It breaks and splatters, ruining her hairdo. Everyone but Jen, Nikki, Caitlin, and Jen's date starts to laugh at the sight.]
Nikki: [angry] "What is wrong with you guys?"
Caitlin: "Okay, nobody panic. We can fix this. I just need a room to work in."
Nikki: "I know where we can go."
[Nikki and Caitlin escort Jen away.]


[Nikki's place of choice is the back room of the Khaki Barn, where Kristen and Kirsten are getting ready.]
Nikki: "Okay, listen up. I know we've had our differences, but this isn't about me, it's about Jen, who has worked her butt off for this dance, and has just had some boy ruin everything. We need help!"
Kirsten: [narrowing her eyes] "Why should we help you?"
Kristen: "Yeah, we hate you."
Nikki: "Because I'll stay in the store tonight and let Chrissy go to the dance."
The Clones: "EEEEE, okay!!!"
Caitlin: [shocked] "Nikki! No!"
Nikki: "It's okay. This dance is much more important to Jen."
Caitlin: "Aw, that is so sweet!" [to the Clones] "Okay, I'm gonna need makeup remover, hairspray, and hot rollers." [Each one takes off to get an item.] "Stat!"
[Nikki sits Jen down in a chair to start the makeover. Jen spots herself in a mirror.]
Jen: "AAAAAAAHHHH!"
[When the Clones come back, Nikki takes off Jen's dress and hangs it up while the Clones blow-dry it. Caitlin works on Jen's hair and makeup. Soon enough, Jen is ready to go, and it's as if the water balloon never happened.]
Jen: "I can't believe you guys did it!"
Caitlin: [happy] "That was so much fun. Oh, I wish I was going so badly."
Kirsten: "Wait! Why aren't you going?"
Caitlin: [sad] "I don't have a date."
Kristen: "So? We're all going stag."
Caitlin: "You are?"
Kristen: "Totally!"
Kirsten: "There's a whole crew of Greeter Gods from Albatross & Finch going stag too!"
Caitlin: "The Clones are going stag! I wouldn't be the only one!"
Jen: "You have to come!"
The Clones: "EEEEEE!!!"
Kristen: "Another quickie makeover! C'mon, I'll find you a dress!"
[The six head back to the back room to make Caitlin over.]


[Jude is in the Zamboni driver's hangout, bemoaning his lot in life. He has on a blue tuxedo.]
Jude: "Dude, I blew it! I didn't find us a ride to the dance, all the limos are rented already...Jen's gonna freak."
Bruno: "Freak freak?"
Jude: "Freak freak. And, I'll probably never get a chance to ride the Zamboni again."
Bruno: [determined] "Oh yes you will!"


[Six of those going to the dance are gathered by the mall fountain.]
Jen's Date: "Wow, Jen, you look perfect. Even prettier than before."
Caitlin: "That was me. I'm a master with eyeliner."
Jen: "And Robbie?"
[The camera cuts to a shot of Robbie in mall jail.]
Wyatt: "Oh, you don't have to worry about him."
[Tara and Jonesy walk up, arm in arm.]
Jonesy: "Hello!"
Caitlin: "Hi guys!"
Nikki: "Hi."
Tara: "Um, is our limo ready or what?"
Jen: "Jude had better get here soon!"
Jude: [offscreen] "Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!"
Caitlin: "Is that–"
Jen: [smiling] "Oh. No. Way."
Jude: "Yeah!" [He is driving the Zamboni.] "If the Zamboni's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin', baby! Yeah!"
Jen: [happy] "Seriously, we're taking a Zamboni? To the dance?" [Everybody gets on the Zamboni.]
Jonesy: "Couldn't Bruno get fired for this?"
Jude: "Nope! He retired today. And you're looking at the new driver of the Zamboni. Me!"
Jonesy: "Nice!"
[Jude hi-fives everyone. Nikki stays behind.]
Jonesy: "You're coming, aren't you?"
Nikki: [smiling] "What, and miss all the Midnight Madness fun here? No way."
[Jonesy continues to look back at Nikki until his date gently elbows him.]
Jonesy: "Hey!"
Tara: "You okay?"
Jonesy: "Yeah." [after some contemplation] "Definitely."


[The dance is going quite well.]
Caitlin: "Oh, Jen! It's perfect! It is a winter wonderland!"
Wyatt: "Yeah, great job girl."
Jen: "Thanks, guys."
[Julie is alone by the punch bowl, serving people punch.]
Tara: "Isn't that the taco girl?"
Purple Dress Girl: "Hi, taco girl!"
Tara: [sarcastic] "Nice dress!"
[Julie looks down, embarrassed.]
Tara: "So pathetic. Jonesy, get us some punch." [Jonesy walks away to do as she asked.] "Is he here yet?"
[Jonesy goes over to Julie, who pours him a cup of punch.]
Jonesy: "Hey. So where's Darth?"
Julie: [sounding like she's about to cry] "We broke up." [Tara looks over angrily.] "I miss him so much!"
Tara: [walking over] "Jonesy, why are you talking to the taco girl?"
Jonesy: "She's okay. Wanna dance?"
Tara: "No. Get me some more spring rolls." [She walks away.]
Jonesy: "Yeah, sure. You look really pretty tonight, Julie."
Julie: "Really? Oh, thanks."


[Darth slowly walks past the entrance of the Khaki Barn. He looks inside and sees Nikki sitting underneath the counter.]
Darth: [sad] "Nikki? What are you doing here?"
Nikki: "Working Midnight Madness. As you can see, it's a madhouse."
[Nikki gestures to the only two customers in the store, who are wrestling over a pair of pants.]
Darth: "Can I hang with you?"
Nikki: "Well, this night can't get any worse." [Darth sits down next to her.] "So, why aren't you at the big dance?"
Darth: "Julie and I broke up. She said I was unromantic and–" [almost crying] "–inattentive!"
Nikki: "Ouch."
[Nikki and Darth lean back against the sales counter.]
Darth: "Don't you wish sometimes you had a time machine, so you could go back and do everything differently?"
Nikki: "You don't need a time machine. If you want her back, just go to the dance and tell her how you feel."
Darth: [hopeful] "You really think she'll take me back?"
Nikki: "Definitely."
Darth: [putting on his helmet] "I'll do it! Thanks, Nikki, and may the Force be with you."
[Darth walks out of the store, a man with a mission. Nikki meanwhile closes up shop and puts a sign on the window that reads Back In Whatever.]


[The dance is in full swing. Coach Halder stands by in a light blue tuxedo, chaperoning. He sees Jen dancing with her date and rushes over. The two separate.]
Coach Halder: "Aw, go ahead and dance, you. He looks like a real MVP, Masterson."
[The two resume dancing. In fact, pretty much everyone in the room is dancing except Jonesy and Tara.]
Tara: "Is he looking at me yet?" [Her ex is paying her no mind. Tara clutches at Jonesy's arm.] "We really look good together, don't you think?"
Jonesy: "Uh, sure. Uh, hey, do you want to go dance with my friends for a while?"
Tara: "No. Let's get something straight. You're lucky to be here with me. In fact, your stock has just gone up like ten points! So just stand there and look cute, okay?"
[Suddenly the doors open, and a dark figure steps out, surrounded by mist. Two yellow lights emit from its head, and everyone gasps. The dancing stops and the room falls silent as Darth enters and unfurls his lightsaber.]
Darth: "Julie my intergalactic queen! I should have treated you better! Give me another chance and I promise, I will rock your universe!"
[Julie and Darth smooch, and the whole dance cheers. Jonesy lets out a whistle of approval.]
Tara: "Revenge of the losers." [She and her best friend laugh meanly.]
Jonesy: "Okay, that's it! I've had enough of you and your stupid friends!" [Tara and her stupid friends gasp.] "Nikki was right about you! You are as shallow as a puddle! I'm outta here."
[Jonesy heads for the door. Justin, who has heard everything, laughs, and Tricia joins him. Jonesy meanwhile walks up to Darth and interrupts him.]
Jonesy: "Nice, Darth." [They hi-five.] "Sweet moves, buddy."
Darth: "Thanks, Jonesy. Hey, a little tip, stud to stud? Nikki's at the mall, alone. And my Jedi sense tells me she wouldn't be adverse to seeing you right now."
Jonesy: "Thanks man. I owe you." [Jonesy continues towards the door.]
Jen: "Jonesy!" [Jonesy stops. Jen unbuttons her wrist corsage and throws it to him.] "It's Nikki's favorite color!" [Jonesy catches the flower.]
Jonesy: "I'll be back in half an hour!"


[Jonesy searches the mall. She isn't at the Khaki Barn.]
Jonesy: "Nikki?" [running through the mall] "Nikki?" [at the Big Squeeze] "Nikki!" [Grind Me] "Nikki!" [the Penalty Box] "Nikki?" [Vegan Island] "Nikki?"
[Jonesy rushes to the ice rink and pounds on the doors.]
Jonesy: "NIKKI!"
[Nikki is inside the rink, crying. Jonesy walks up to her, panting.]
Jonesy: "I've been looking everywhere for you." [realizing] "You're crying."
Nikki: "I am not! I just have–something really big in my eyes, okay?" [She starts to leave.]
Jonesy: "Wait. Why did you break up with me?" [Nikki stops. She doesn't turn around to face him.]
Nikki: [choked up] "Oh what, like it's inconceivable that a girl could resist Jonesy's many charms?"
Jonesy: [walking over to her] "I'm serious. I wanna know."
Nikki: "Maybe I was scared, okay? Maybe I was afraid we'd screw everything up and I'd lose the one guy who means more to me than anyone else in the whole world."
Jonesy: [stunned] "Oh. Wow."
Nikki: [nearly crying] "Is that all you have to say? What are you even doing here?!? I thought you were supposed to be at the dance with the prettiest girl in school!"
Jonesy: "Well maybe I'm with the prettiest girl in school right now!"
Nikki: [frustrated] "So then why didn't you ask me?!?"
Jonesy: [exasperated] "Maybe I was scared to!"
Nikki: "Jonesy–"
Jonesy: "Just shut up for a second and let me say something! I was at the dance with this really hot girl and things should've been great, but all I could think about was you. Annoying, sarcastic, totally frustrating you!" [Nikki makes a noise in the back of her throat.] "Nikki, you're the only girl I want to go out with. So I'm asking you. Will you go to the dance with me?"
[Jonesy holds out the wrist corsage. Nikki puts it on, and tears fill her eyes again. This time, however, they are tears of happiness.]
Nikki: "Yes."
[They kiss.]


[Jonesy and Nikki walk into the dance.]
Jen: "All right, Jonesy!" [She hi-fives him.]
Jude: [three girls on his arm] "Dude."
Jonesy: "Jude."
Caitlin: "Nikki, you're here! With Jonesy!"
[They all look to the stage. Wyatt is playing the intro to his newest song. The verse comes up, the drums kick in, the whole band joins in the song, and Wyatt starts singing.]
Wyatt: "I know I'm not the coolest guy/But there's a burning desire inside/Girl I never wanted anyone more/In a perfect world we'd be together"
Jonesy: [to Nikki] "You know, you could have made this a lot easier if you'd just asked me."
Nikki: [laughing] "And miss all this drama? Never." [They do something.]
Wyatt: "Unless you make me feel like never/There's something that I've got to say.../You're the reason I wake every day/The reason I wish I could say/You're my everything/And girl I need you now." [Everyone dances to the song.] "You're the reason I lie awake every night/The reason I need you in my life/You're my everything/And girl I need you now."
[A Greeter God gestures to Caitlin. She makes sure he's pointing to her, then goes over and starts to dance with him.]
Wyatt: "You're my everything/And girl I need you now."
[The song ends, and everyone cheers.]
Wyatt: "Thank you. Thanks a lot."

Season 2 Scripts
Going UndergroundDeadbeat Poets SocietyCareer DayFish and Make UpAwake the Wyatt WithinUnhappy AnniversaryPillow TalkIn a Retail Wonderland...Midnight MadnessWelcome to the Darth SideThe New GuyMajor UnfaithfulnessWaiting to Ex-SaleLosing Your LemonThe HuntedLights OutA Ding from Down UnderThe Wedding DestroyersThe Lords of MalltownJonesy's Low MojoSmarten UpDirty WorkOver ExposedA Crime of FashionSpring FlingGirlie BoysSnow Job
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Hour-Long Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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