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Script


[It's Valentine's Day at the mall, and the Stick It is decorated with hearts. Jonesy stops by as Jude exits the kitchen with a pile of meat.]
Jonesy: "Hold on, bro. Spot inspection." [trying some meat] "Go ahead, the rest pass for now." [digging in his backpack] "Remember I told you I had a surprise?"
Jude: "Yeah?"
Jonesy: [pulling out some heart-shaped boxes] "Vuelah."
Jude: "Aw, dude, you shouldn't have!"
Jonesy: "They're not for you, man, they're for the customers!"
[Jonesy grabs some meat and stuffs it into the box.]
Jude: "Yeah, but this is meat! You really think I can sell it as a Valentine's Day present?"
Jonesy: "Are you kidding? This is a very stress-inducing holiday! Trust me, people will buy anything in a heart-shaped box."
Jude: "I don't know, dude." [A cowboy walks up.]
Cowboy: "Well I'll take one of those, partner." [Jonesy hands it over.]
Jonesy: "Excellent choice, sir. That'll be twenty-five dollars." [He receives the money. Jude gasps.]
Cowboy: "Well giddy-up!" [He walks off.]
Jonesy: [waving the money at Jude] "Ah?"
Jude: [amazed] "That guy just gave you twenty-five bucks!"
Jonesy: "Nope. He gave you twenty-five bucks–" [giving Jude the money] "–minus five bucks for the idea." [Jonesy takes a fiver.] "Told you, dude. It's Valentine's Day!"
[Jude takes the boxes and begins plopping meat into them.]
Jude: "So, you gonna ask anyone out tonight?"
Jonesy: "Yep. Nikki."
Jude: "All right! Carpe diem, dude!"
Jonesy: "What?"
Jude: "Carpe diem. It's Latin for seize the fish."
Jonesy: "Right. Well you know, underneath all those biting insults and scathing put-downs, lies a pretty hot chick." [Jude giggles.] "Just promise you won't all follow us around on our date like you did last time."
Jude: "Yeah, okay." [Jonesy starts eating some of the meat.] "Easy, bro, I need those to fill up the rest of the hearts."
Jonesy: [mouth full] "Now you're getting it! Uh-oh. Angry cowboy, ten o'clock." [He quickly turns away.]
Cowboy: "This ain't chocolate, son."
Jude: "No, it's the other chocolate. Pork! It's a new trend in candy."
Cowboy: "Oh, sure, uh...I-I-I heard about that. You don't sell flowers, do you?"
Jude: [pulling up a meat bouquet] "Sure. Thirty dollars, bro!"
[The cowboy buys it and leaves. Jonesy turns back to his friend.]
Jonesy: "Dude! Nicely done."


The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
Stupid Over Cupid

[The gang are gathered by the Big Squeeze. They're staring at Jonesy, who is slurping his soda. Nikki grabs it.]
Jonesy: "Hey! I'm not done!"
Nikki: "Yes, you are."
Wyatt: [on the phone] "Ssh!" [into the phone] "Hi, I'm confirming a table for tonight? The name is Wyatt."
Hiro: "Hai karimasho."
Wyatt: "Yes, I know I confirmed yesterday."
Hiro: "Ah...so!"
Wyatt: "Now that's your most romantic booth, right?"
Hiro: "Baka no teenager!" [He hangs up.]
Wyatt: [worried] "Hello? Hello?"
Jen: "Sounds serious, loverboy."
Wyatt: "Check it out. I've got dinner reservations, a nice car, and twelve long-stemmed roses lined up for Serena."
Caitlin: "Aw, that's the sweetest!"
Jude: "Dude, you're so in!"
Nikki: [rolling her eyes] "Oh, please!"
Wyatt: "Should I get chocolates too, or is that overkill?"
Nikki: "Why don't you hire a plane to write her a message in the sky?"
Jonesy: "Yeah! How about 'I'm a total wuss.'"
[Jude chuckles. Wyatt stares at him, unamused.]
Jude: "Sorry."
Caitlin: "Come on, guys, it's sweet! He's just showing her that she's special."
Nikki: "Yeah, with every cliche in the book."
Jonesy: "Seriously, dude, you don't pull out the entire arsenal in one date. Save something for when you screw up."
Caitlin: "Well I think he should do what's in his heart."
[At this, Jude clears his throat and points to Nikki. Jonesy looks over. Jude signals for him to go.]
Jonesy: [leaning over to Nikki] "I'm down with V-Day too, y'know."
Nikki: "Oh really? Who's the lucky lady?"
Jonesy: "Couldn't find one, so I'm asking you. So, wanna chill and catch a flick?" [Jen, Caitlin, and Wyatt gasp.]
Nikki: "Gee, I'm flattered, but no thanks."
[The three exhale in relief.]
Jonesy: [worried] "No to me or no to the movie?"
Nikki: "No to tonight. I don't go out on Valentine's dates."
Jonesy: "Oh. Never?"
Nikki: "Too many bad experiences."
Jen: "Oh, are you talking about the time that guy scanned your face onto the naked Cupid and put it up all over the school?"
Wyatt: "Or the time you got food poisoning at the Valentine's dance and had to be rushed to emergency?"
Jen: "Right! 'Cause Richard Gooberman gave you chocolate creams that were a year old!"
Nikki: "He could've warned me! Little science creep."
Caitlin: "You really do have bad luck on Valentine's!"
Nikki: "Not anymore. This year I'm having an anti-Valentine's Day non-celebration. A heart-shaped anything embargo, if you will."
Wyatt: "Right." [standing up] "Well this has been helpful."
Jen: "Where are you going?"
Wyatt: "To buy Serena some heart-shaped chocolates before my shift."
Jonesy: "Sucker." [turning back to Nikki] "So. Seriously. Freaky Casual Friday is playing tonight."
Nikki: "I'm not going out with you on Valentine's Day, so forget it!"
Jonesy: "How can you be alone on the scoringest night of the year when you could be with the scoringest guy?"
Nikki: [mock sadness] "Oh, it's a sacrifice all right. I don't know how I'll live with myself!"
Jonesy: "I'm just saying–"
Nikki: "Despite popular belief, you don't have to be 'scoring' on February 14th to have fun. Besides, I'm not gonna be alone."
Jonesy: "You're not?"
Nikki: "No. I'm gonna kick it with the girls. Right girls?" [She looks across the table to see Jen and Caitlin have vacated the vicinity.] "Huh?"
[Jen and Caitlin are at the next table over, talking to two jocks in matching uniforms.]
Caitlin: "Oh, you play rugby! Cool! So, do you play it on like, a big rug?" [Jen elbows her.]
Jen: [faking a laugh] "Ah ha ha! She's joking, we love rugby!"
Nikki: [shocked] "Jen! What are you doing?"
Jen: "Ssh! We might have some dates for tomorrow night!" [Nikki walks back to the table.]
Nikki: "Oh, great. Whatever you have is catching."
Jonesy: "Valentine's fever. Hmm. I think I just got me an idea."


[Wyatt is at a counter in Spin This, surrounded by stacks of CDs.]
Wyatt: "Dark chocolate, or milk chocolate?"
[Wyatt swishes his arm and knocks over a stack of jewel cases. He leans over to pick them up, becoming concealed by the counter. Serena and Charmaine stop next to the counter, not knowing he's there.]
Serena: "So then the guy asks me, 'Which CD is more romantic? The classical guitar or the pan flute?'"
Charmaine: "Ew."
Serena: "Exactly. He's probably a normal guy, but on Valentine's Day, they turn into these mushy, gushy freaks."
Charmaine: "Mmm-hmm. It's all, 'Hey baby. Here's your requisite flowers and chocolates. Again.' Nice effort."
Serena: "Yeah, real original."
[The two walk off. As soon as they leave, Wyatt peeks over the counter, a scared look on his face.]
Wyatt: "What have I done?"


[Serena sets up a Jason standee. Wyatt, hiding behind a demo booth, is talking on the phone.]
Wyatt: "She's going to hate everything I got her!"
Jonesy: "Dude, slow down. I think you're overthinking this."
Wyatt: "I think I'm not. I don't want to blow this date. I still can't believe she said yes!" [An old man walks up.] "Just looking at that hair, that smile...it just does something for me, you know?"
[The man follows Wyatt's gaze, which lingers where Serena last was. He sees the standee of the teen idol.]
Old Man: "Weird kids."


[Jen and Caitlin are walking through the mall.]
Jen: "Okay, so we struck out. No biggie. We are not going to be dateless losers for Valentine's Day."
Caitlin: "Totally not." [They spot two Greeter Gods.]
Jen: "Ooh. Hello."
Caitlin: "You're gonna try to get a Greeter God to go out with us?"
Greeter Gods: [in sync] "Hey, welcome to Albatross and Finch."
Jen: "My friend and I have a question."
Caitlin: "Do you and your friend have plans for tomorrow night?"
Greeter Gods: [creepily in tandem] "Not for you. It's an image thing, you understand."
[Caitlin and Jen storm off.]
Caitlin: "Ooh!"
Jen: "Jerk!"


[Jonesy face adorns a board above a stand. Jude and Jonesy sit behind it. Wyatt comes by and sees them.]
Wyatt: "What are you up to now?"
[Jonesy shoves Jude. Jude stands up.]
Jude: [loudly] "Bid here to win a dream date with Jonesy!" [normally] "I don't think anyone would pay to go out with me."
Jonesy: "There are tons of lonely chicks without dates on Valentine's Day. With my qualifications I could make a fortune. I'm taking one lucky lady out on a romantic night at the mall. Dinner, dessert, a movie of her choice, and if she's real hot? Maybe a kiss."
Wyatt: "I'm sure it'll be a night to remember. Okay. Let's say you got dinner reservations, flowers, and chocolates for someone, and you found out that they thought all that stuff was stupid."
Jonesy: "I'd save yourself the cash and cancel it all, bro."
Jude: "Me too. It's like, why buy a bone for a dog who has no teeth?"
Wyatt: [trying to process this] "Uh..." [giving up] "Yeah. I've gotta run. I've got some damage control to do."


[Wyatt stops by Super Terrific Happy Sushi. When he looks in, he sees Hiro vigorously slicing fish with his viciously sharp katana. Wyatt backs away and dials the restaurant number.]
Wyatt: "Oh, I have a table for two reserved for–"
Hiro: "Hai karimasho."
Wyatt: "Yes, it's Wyatt Williams."
Hiro: "Baka no teenager."
Wyatt: "No, actually. Funny story..."
Hiro: "Hai?"
Wyatt: "I'd like to cancel."
Hiro: "You are most dishonorable! I make a shrimp roll out of you!"
Wyatt: "Aah!"
[Wyatt flips his phone shut and runs. He stops at the flower shop, which is manned by a large, tattooed, musclebound man.]
Wyatt: "Hi...about those flowers–"


[Shortly thereafter, blooms are flying at Wyatt.]
Wyatt: "I said I'm sorry!"
Flower Man: "Get out of here!"
Wyatt: [running off] "Geez, it's just twelve roses!"
Flower Man: "Saved for Valentine's Day!"


[Jen and Caitlin have not been able to find dates.]
Caitlin: "This is not going well at all."
Jen: "I can't believe we even struck out at the arcade! And most of those guys were twelve!"
[They stop by Stereo Shack. Darth is setting out a 50% off sign.]
Darth: "Hello, ladies. Can I interest you in some half-priced stereo wires?"
[Jen and Caitlin look at each other before they march forward and try to grab him for themselves.]
Jen: "He's mine!"
Caitlin: "It was my idea to get us dates!"
Darth: "Oh, easy, ladies. There's plenty of Darth to go around."
[Darth snort-laughs, and the spell is broken. Jen lets go.]
Jen: "What are we doing? We've got to get a grip! We're not that desperate!"
Caitlin: "You're right! Nikki is so better than Darth."
[Jen and Caitlin leave. Darth's shoulders slump.]
Darth: [sighing] "They have a point."


[Jude is announcing Jonesy's booth to the mall.]
Jude: [through a megaphone] "Win a dream date with Jonesy! Sure, he's got his faults; he's kinda selfish, and he's cheap!"
Jonesy: "Jude!"
Jude: [through the megaphone] "What?"
Jonesy: "Keep it positive!"
Jude: [covering the mouthpiece] "Oh. Sorry. Dude." [through the megaphone] "Win a dream date with Jonesy! It's better than being alone!" [Wyatt walks up.] "Hey Wyatt! Were you able to bail on your plans for Serena?"
Wyatt: "Yeah." [angrily grabbing the megaphone] "Thanks."
[Wyatt walks up to Jonesy with the megaphone.]
Wyatt: [loudly, through the megaphone by Jonesy] "So how many dates you got so far?"
Jonesy: "None! Can you believe it?"
Wyatt: "How much is the starting bid?"
Jonesy: "Two hundred dollars."
Wyatt: "You may want to consider lowering your price a bit." [to Jude] "What do you think?"
Jude: "Twenty bucks."
Wyatt: "Yeah. Twenty."
Jonesy: "Twenty bucks?!? This is me you're talking about!" [working the idea into a shape he likes] "Oh. I get it. Start the bidding low, build up a bit of Jonesymania, right?" [Jude shrugs.]
Wyatt: "Something like that."


[Jen and Caitlin are hanging out by the Big Squeeze. Wyatt drops by.]
Jen: "So, ready to spring all your Valentine's Day plans on Serena?"
Wyatt: "Oh, I'm not doing those things anymore. Even returned the mushy card."
Caitlin: [shocked] "You canceled the reservations too?"
Wyatt: "Yeah. And to think I came this close to blowing it!"
Jen: "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
Wyatt: "Completely. I heard her tell Charmaine she thinks Valentine's Day gifts are lame."
Jen: "Hold on. You didn't believe that, did you?" [Wyatt blinks.] "You can't just believe everything you hear girls say!"
Wyatt: "You can't?"
Caitlin: "No!"
Jen: "It's like when a girl says nothing's wrong."
Caitlin: "Something is definitely wrong."
Wyatt: [piecing it together] "So what you're saying is girls don't always say what they mean."
Caitlin: "Oh–"
Caitlin and Jen: "No."
Caitlin: "Do guys?"
Wyatt: "Yes! Okay. Are you two not saying what you really mean now?"
Caitlin and Jen: "No!"
Wyatt: "Oh, man! Time to damage control the damage control. I have to rebook that dinner reservation!"
[Wyatt picks up his phone and dials Super Terrific Happy Sushi.]
Hiro: [sounding upset] "You have reached Super Terrific Sushi! If this is a Mr. Wyatt, LEAVE US ALONE!!!"


[Jonesy and Jude are idly by the booth. Jude points out two girls.]
Jude: "Yo, Jonesy, check it out, two hotties, eleven o'clock!"
Jonesy: "Would either of you ladies like to place a bid?"
Blonde Wave Girl: [giggling] "Okay."
Jonesy: [to Jude] "Now that's more like it."


[There is a commotion in the sushi restaurant.]
Hiro: "How dare you come in here! I make sushi out of your intestines! AAH!"
Wyatt: [running away as Hiro throws things at him] "Okay, okay!"


[Wyatt's final stop is Wonder Taco.]
Julie: "Sorry, we're fully booked."
Wyatt: [looking around] "Are you serious?"
Julie: "Valentine's Day is tomorrow, you know."
[Wyatt sighs.]


[Jude and Jonesy are at the booth, waiting for more bidders.]
Jonesy: "Slow day at the mall today. I'm sure things'll pick up after four."
Jude: "Yeah."
Jonesy: [shoving him] "Look alive. Cougar on approach."
[Yummy Mummy is coming towards the stand. She takes a seat on the table.]
Jonesy: "Uh–"
Yummy Mummy: [breathily] "Can I place a bet, boys?"
Jonesy: "Of course you can."
[Jonesy hands over the sign-up sheet while Jude gapes. Yummy Mummy scribbles down her name.]
Yummy Mummy: "See you tonight." [She winks at Jonesy and walks off.]
[Jonesy gapes as he looks after her. Jude is gaping too, but this is due to the amount she wrote down. Jonesy sees it, smiles, and leans back in his chair.]
Jonesy: "Oh, I'm a genius!"


Caitlin: "So I guess it's just gonna be you, me, and Nikki tonight."
Jen: [suddenly perking up] "Caitlin. I've got an idea." [She is looking at the Jason standee.] "Faint."
Caitlin: "What?"
Jen: "Fall on the floor! Now! Faint!"
Caitlin: "Uuuuuuugggghhhh..." [She drops.]
Jen: "Help! Someone just fainted!"
[Chad, in the music store, drops what he's doing and rushes out to help. Jen slips away from the scene.]
Chad: "Are you all right? Don't move."
[Jen sneaks by with the standee. Caitlin sees.]
Caitlin: "Whew! I feel much better now." [Chad helps her up.] "Thanks guys!" [She leaves.]


[Jen and Caitlin walk by Jonesy's booth carrying the Jason standee.]
Jonesy: "It's not too late to place a bid for a dream date, Jen."
Jen: "Already got one, thanks."
Jonesy: "I meant a live one."
Jude: "Dude, twelve o'clock."
[Approaching the stand is Julie. Jonesy gasps.]
Julie: "Hey boys." [writing down her name] "I've never been on a Valentine's date before."
[Julie sneezes on Jonesy. Jonesy picks up the sign-up sheet and gasps.]
Jonesy: "Are you sure you want to bid this much? I mean, I'm actually pretty boring, and a jerk!"
Jude: "Fifty-five bucks puts you at the top of the bidding."
Julie: [leaving] "See you tonight!"
Jonesy: "We have to find someone to outbid her. Fast."


[Jason, Jen, and Nikki are at the table. Caitlin is working the lemonade stand.]
Caitlin: "Nikki! Did we score the best date for Valentine's or what?"
Nikki: "Uh, you do realize he's cardboard, right?"
Caitlin: "So? He's cute, available, and he won't say anything stupid."
Nikki: "Point taken. Buy the man a soda."


[Wyatt is at Jonesy's stand, lamenting his problems.]
Wyatt: "I'm toast!"
Jude: "No reservations left?"
Wyatt: "Not even Wonder Taco!"
Jonesy: "Yep. You're toast."
Wyatt: "Valentine's is the only legitimate excuse to come right out and show your affection. Any other date would just be humiliating!"
Jude: "So true. I gave flowers to this girl once on Bastille Day, and she laughed at me!"
Jonesy: "Nice effort though, dude." [He holds his fist out for a bump.]
Jude: [fist-bumping] "Thanks, man."
Wyatt: "What am I gonna do for Serena?"
Jonesy: "You'll think of something."
[The cowboy scribbles his name down on the sheet. Jonesy nervously turns around.]
Jonesy: "Wh-wha-whatcha doin' there, Mac?"
Cowboy: "Placin' a bid. I'll see you...later."
[The cowboy leaves. Jude and Wyatt break into a fit of laughter.]
Jonesy: "No no no, that doesn't count!"
Wyatt: "Sure it does, there's no sign anywhere that says girls only."
Jude: "You can be shut down by the government if you discriminate against dudes, dude."
Jonesy: [unhappy] "Aaah!"
[Jude and Wyatt laugh at his despair.]


[The girls are pigging out on junk food.]
Jen: "You know what? This isn't so bad."
Nikki: "I told you!"
[Caitlin burps loudly, and the girls laugh.]
Caitlin: "I love chicken wings. But I would so never eat them in front of a date."
Jen: "Ssh! You're gonna hurt his feelings!"
Nikki: "Hey, I think Jason wants more ice cream."
[Jen uses her spoon to slingshot some ice cream onto the standee's forehead, and the girls laugh.]


[Wyatt is at Spin This, thinking about what to do.]
Wyatt's Thoughts: Think, Wyatt, think. Cool Valentine's gift.
Serena: [calling over] "Hey Wyatt, what was the name of that reggae group I liked again?"
Wyatt: "Tutana May Tiles."
Serena: "Right! Thanks."
Wyatt: [getting an idea] "That's it!"


[The girls are thoroughly enjoying themselves.]
Jen: "Okay, being single on Valentine's Day kinda rocks." [Nikki burps.]
Caitlin: "And you can pig out."
Nikki: "And you don't have to blow money on stupid presents."
Jen: "You know the one thing that would make this perfect?"
Caitlin: "New outfits?"
Jen: "No. If we could get Jason here to fetch us more food."
Caitlin: "Yeah!"
Nikki: "Nice."


[Serena is closing up Spin This. Charmaine exits.]
Charmaine: "I'd better go. I want all the details in the morning."
[Serena heads over to Wyatt.]
Serena: "So, ready for our date?"
Wyatt: "Okay, I have something for you. It's not fancy reservations or anything, but...here."
Serena: "It's a CD?"
Wyatt: "Not just any CD. You know how you love all those songs I spin but never know who sings them? I burned them all onto one disc for you."
Serena: "No way. That's the coolest Valentine's Day gift I've ever gotten."
Wyatt: "Really?"
Serena: "Definitely. Were you planning this all along?"
Wyatt: "Oh...not too long."
Serena: "Okay, so, I know it's cheesy and totally unoriginal, but I couldn't resist." [She gives Wyatt a small stuffed dog.]
Wyatt: "It's so...cute!"
Serena: "I know, kinda dorky huh?"
Wyatt: "No, I love him! Wanna get out of here? I know a great hot dog stand where you don't need reservations."
Serena: "Sounds good."


[Jonesy paces nervously.]
Jonesy: "Okay. There's still time for a girl to outbid this dude, right?"
Jude: "Yeah. Ten minutes."
[Jonesy looks over at the food court. The cowboy signals to him. He then looks over to another table.]
Julie: [waving] "Hey boys."
Jonesy: [calling to the girls] "I need some bids over here!"
[The girls look up from Nikki's laptop and then resume browsing.]
Jonesy: "Caitlin? Jen? Nikki? Jonesy's running out of time over here!" [Julie walks over.]
Nikki: "Actually, this might be the best entertainment of the whole evening."
Jonesy: "C'mon! I thought we were friends!" [Julie feels his arm.]
Nikki: [shutting the laptop] "Pass me the chips."


[The clock keeps ticking.]
Jude: "Seven minutes left and the taco chick's got the lead."
[The cowboy steps up and scribbles down another bid.]
Jonesy: "Gah! I'm begging you! C'mon!" [The cowboy purrs at him.] "What could you possibly want with me? I'm. Into. Chicks!"
Julie: "I'm a chick." [Her nose drips snot.]
Jonesy: "Aren't there any hot chicks in need of a date tonight?" [He spots one.] "Hi there, gorgeous."
Vendor Girl: "Hi."
Jonesy: "You're in luck. Lots of time to win a date with the Jonesmeister."
Vendor Girl: "You don't remember my name, do you?"
Jonesy: [blinking, unsure] "Sure I do. Hot Dog–Vendor Girl."
[The girl shoves him aside and scribbles down a bid.]
Jude: "Seventy-five bucks? Looks like Jonesy's all yours."
Jonesy: [ready to take advantage of this] "So what would you like to do tonight? Sky's the limit."
Vendor Girl: [pushing him back] "Let's see. In honor of you never calling me back after we dated–" [she pulls out a list] "–I was thinking we could start with a chick flick marathon. Then you'll put on my prom dress and tell the world what a jerk you are on the jumboscreen. And after that, my dog, Princess Fluffy, needs a pedicure!"
[The girls giggle. Jonesy has picked a real winner.]
Jonesy: "All that because I forgot your name? I never knew your name!"
Jude: "One minute left."
Cowboy: [writing down a bid] "This bid should lasso me the grand prize."
Jonesy: "Gah!"
Vendor Girl: "Back off, cowboy, he's mine."
Julie: "I was bidding on him before you!"
Jonesy: "Would you all excuse me for a minute?"
[Jonesy's female friends are laughing at his predicament, so naturally that's where he heads to first.]
Nikki: "Quite the predicament you've gotten yourself into."
Jonesy: "You've gotta help me!"
Nikki: "I do?"
Jude: [through the megaphone] "Fifty seconds!"
Jonesy: "You are so not helping, dude." [to Nikki, broken] "Yes, you do."
Nikki: "Ah, gee, I wish I could help, but I already have my dates for the evening." [She gestures to her friends.]
Jonesy: "I know you hate Valentine's Day, but this is an emergency! I might have to go on a date with a dude! On a horse!"
Jude: [through the megaphone] "Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight–"
Jonesy: "Jude!"
[Nikki smiles at Jonesy and stands up.]
Nikki: "Alright, but on two conditions."
Jonesy: "Anything you want."
Nikki: "That the bid I make doesn't actually have to be paid–"
Jonesy: [crestfallen] "But that will mean that I will have done all this work for nothing!"
Nikki: "You didn't actually think I'd pay to hang out with you, did you?"
Jonesy: "Fine. What else?"
Nikki: "You have to do anything I tell you for the whole evening."
Jonesy: "You are a cold, cold chick."
Nikki: "Do I hear a 'Yes, Nikki'?"
Vendor Girl, Cowboy, Jude, and Julie: "Eighteen, seventeen, sixteen..."
Nikki: "A-heh-heh-heh-heh-hem?"
Jonesy: "Yes."
Nikki: "Pardon?"
Jonesy: "YES!"
Nikki: "Be right back, girls."
[Nikki walks over and scribbles down her bid. Jude picks it up and reads it. His eyes bulge.]
Jude: "T-Twenty? Thousand? Dollars?!?!?"
Cowboy: "Whoa! That's a little rich for mah blood."
Nikki: "Well, go big or stay home, girlfriend!"
[Julie and the cowboy slink off.]
Vendor Girl: "You do know he's a jerk, don't you?"
Nikki: "Yeah, but I love that about him."
Jude: [through the megaphone] "Auction closed. And the winner is–" [imitating a noisemaker] "Nikki!"
Jonesy: "Yes! Woo-hoo-hoo! Nicely done! Thanks, Nik. I owe you big time."
Nikki: "You can start paying me back right now. Let's locomote."
[Nikki drags Jonesy off by the ear.]


[Jonesy is wearing the standee's face and feeding the girls fries.]
Nikki: [clapping her hands] "Enough! Time for our back massages."


[The girls and Jonesy are in the photo booth.]
Caitlin: "It'll look like we're with Jason instead of just Jonesy!"
Jonesy: "Hey! I had a bid of seventy-eight dollars, you know."
Nikki: "Just shut up and look cute."
[Ron pulls the curtain aside and peers in on them.]
Ron: "What's going on here?"
Jen, Caitlin, and Nikki: "Nothing."
Ron: "This individual has a mask on. Without carrying a costume permit."
Nikki: "We're just humiliating Jonesy. See?" [She flips Jonesy's mask up.]
Jonesy: [whimpering] "Please. Please help me."
[Ron grins evilly and lets the curtain swing shut again.]
Ron: "Carry on."


[Jonesy runs through the Gigantoplex, clutching at his crotch.]
Jonesy: "Gangway, my back teeth are floating!"
Caitlin: [chuckling] "Not letting him go to the bathroom during the movie was kind of mean."
Nikki: "What if we needed licorice and he wasn't there?"
Jen: "Good point."


[Serena and Wyatt are eating their hot dogs. Jonesy walks by carrying ice cream, still in the mask.]
Jen: [watching the couple] "Aww!"
Caitlin: "That's so cute!"
Nikki: "Ew, they both have mustard on their noses." [to Jonesy] "What are you looking at? Get us some napkins and make it snappy."
Jonesy: "Ugh..." [He trudges off.]
Nikki: "Yep, ladies, a good man is hard to find. But if you can buy one for free, I highly recommend it."
Caitlin: "Oh yeah."
Jen: "Got that right, sistah."


[Jonesy and Jude are dismantling the booth. Wyatt sits idly by, a look of dreamy joy on his face. He sighs.]
Jude: "What's with him?"
Jonesy: "Dude thinks he's in love."
Wyatt: "Guys, you do not know happiness until you've had a date like I had last night. It was...heaven."
Jonesy: "You know who I really feel sorry for? The girls who placed a bid and didn't get to go out with me."
[Jen, Caitlin, and Nikki walk up.]
Nikki: "Oh gentlemen? Don't throw that booth out too quickly. I'm starting to like Valentine's Day."
Caitlin: "Yeah, last night was fun, Jonesy!"
Jonesy: "Does this mean I'm finally gonna score a kiss?"
Nikki: "Don't hold your breath."
Jonesy: "These lips won't wait forever, baby!"
[Jude and Wyatt laugh.]

Season 1 Scripts
Take This Job and Squeeze ItThe Big SickieThe Slow and the Even-TemperedA Lime to PartyDeck the MallThe Sushi ConnectionThe Five Finger DiscountBreaking Up with the Boss' SonEmployee of the MonthIdol Time at the MallThe Fake DateMr. Nice GuyThe Girls in the BandClonesyStupid Over CupidThe Khaki GirlThe (Almost) GraduateBring It OnThe SwamiCecil B. DelusionedThe Birthday BoyEnter the DragonOne Quiet DayIt's Always Courtney, Courtney, Courtney!The One with the Text MessageBoo, Dude6teen: Dude of the Living Dead
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Hour-Long Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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