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Script


[Wyatt walks through the mall, a sad look on his face. Jen and Caitlin rush up to him, smiles on their faces.]
Jen and Caitlin: "Happy birthday!" [They give him a big hug.]
Wyatt: [squeezing out] "Okay, okay, that's enough!"
Caitlin: "What? Today is your birthday, right?"
Wyatt: "Yes, and I hate birthdays. So can we just forget about it? Please?"
Caitlin: "But–how can you hate birthdays?"
Wyatt: "Because my parents insist on throwing theme parties every year."
Caitlin: "That sounds like fun."
Wyatt: "Yeah, except that it's a big family. All the good themes were snapped up years ago."
Caitlin: "So? Just be creative!"
Jen: "That's the problem. They're a little too creative. Tell her."
Wyatt: "Two years ago, the theme was 'Diseases We're Glad We Don't Have.'"
Jen: "And last year's was 'The Color Brown.' All the presents, drinks, food–everything was brown."
Caitlin: "That's atrocious! So what's this year's theme?"
[Wyatt pulls out a soda-drinking hat and puts it on.]
Wyatt: "'Trailer Park Party.'"
Caitlin: "Ooh. That's bad."
Wyatt: "Yeah. The only good thing about Serena being out of town is that she won't see me wearing it."


[Jude is playing on the computer. Jen, Caitlin, and Wyatt walk up to the table.]
Jen: "Well I'm gonna make sure you have an awesome birthday this year."
Wyatt: "That's nice, but no thanks."
Jen: "It's officially beyond your control! Come back here at six, and be prepared to have fun."
Wyatt: "Fine. As long as I don't have to pretend to like it." [Jude's computer beeps.]
Jude: "Yes!" [He looks up and sees his friends.] "Hey dude, nice hat."
Wyatt: "You like it? Knock yourself out."
Jude: "Seriously? Right on." [Wyatt puts it on him.] "Stylish." [taking a slurp] "Mmm. Cream soda."
Wyatt: "This is going to be a long day."
[Wyatt sighs and gets up. Jude takes the straw from his mouth and burps.]


The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
The Birthday Boy

[Jen, Caitlin, and Jude are at the Big Squeeze. Jude is still playing on his laptop.]
Jen: "Did you see how bummed he is? We have to give Wyatt an awesome birthday."
Caitlin: "Maybe we should just take him out for burgers and milkshakes."
Jen: "No. This has to be really big if we're going to get his mind off Serena."
Caitlin: "And his icky family party."
[Jen picks up her phone and dials. The call goes over to Nikki, working at the Khaki Barn.]
Nikki: "House of Dread, how may I direct your call?"
Jen: "We're conferencing, hang on."
[Jen's next call is to Jonesy, who is reading a book while wearing a banana suit.]
Jonesy: "Fruit World, can I help you?"
Jen: "Hey. It's me and Nikki."
Nikki: "How's the new job going?"
Jonesy: "I'm a giant banana. How goes it at the Barn?"
Nikki: "Oh, you know, mindless, endless boredom. The usual."
Fruit World Manager: "Jonesy! Are you on the phone?"
Jonesy: "Is that against store policy?"
Fruit World Manager: "Yes!"
Jonesy: "Then no." [returning to the call] "Sup?"
Jen: "It's Wyatt's birthday, and we're gonna throw him a huge party."
Jonesy: "Cool."
Jen: "Nikki, you're on gift detail."
Nikki: "Done. I'll grab him a DVD."
Jen: "Jonesy, you're the caterer. I'm thinking coffee slushes and a bunch of junk food."
Jonesy: "No can do. First day on the job, and I don't get off until six."
Fruit World Manager: "Jonesy! I thought I said no phone calls! You're fired!"
Jonesy: [returning to the call] "Well that was quick."
Jen: "So you can get the food now?"
Jonesy: "I'm on it."
Jen: "Great. Be at the lemon at six."
Jonesy: "Cool."
Jen: "Cool."
Nikki: "Cool."
[The call ends.]
Jen: "I'll get a giant card and the wrapping paper. And Jude? Jude!"
Jude: [starting] "What?"
Jen: "Can you get the birthday cake?"
Caitlin: "Ooh! Maybe you can get one with a picture airbrushed on it!"
Jude: "Good call. So whose picture should we put on it?"
Jen: "Wyatt's, Jude."
Jude: "Right." [He returns to his game and his sodas.]
Jen: "So, that's everything."
Caitlin: "Wyatt's gonna be so excited! This was a great idea, Jen."


Kristen: "Welcome to the Khaki Barn!"
[Nikki is bored at work. Jonesy comes in and thumps a load of books down on the sales counter.]
Jonesy: "Whatever you want, I'll pay, just help me, please!"
Nikki: "My time is very valuable. Five hundred dollars."
Jonesy: "Can we set up some sort of installment plan?"
Nikki: "With your credit rating? I told you, I'm not helping you study for the geography exam."
Jonesy: "But you always help me!"
Nikki: "Yeah, and I always get burned."
Jonesy: [shocked] "Uuf! Since when?"
Nikki: "'Kay, let's see. Well, there's the time you fell asleep while I was talking."
Jonesy: "Okay, but–"
Nikki: "And the time you spent the whole afternoon hitting on the girl beside us in the library."
Jonesy: "That was different! She was hot."
Nikki: "Hmm."
Jonesy: [quickly covering up] "But I've learned from my mistakes. C'mon. If you don't help me I'm gonna flunk. I'll have to repeat the course! Again!"
Nikki: "Fine. I'll do it."
Jonesy: "Yes!"
Nikki: "If you admit once and for all that I'm smarter than you."
Jonesy: "No way."
Nikki: "Welp, suit yourself. If you'll excuse me, I have some very important folding to do."
Jonesy: "Come on, there must be some other way!"
Nikki: "Afraid not."
Jonesy: "You're cruel. You know that? Cruel."
Nikki: "Mmm-hmm."
Jonesy: "Okay. Nikki, you're smarter then me."
Nikki: "Like you mean it."
Jonesy: "Okay, okay, you're smarter than me, you are! Nikki's smarter than me!!!"
Nikki: "That's better. Oh, and it's smarter than I."


[Jude is still playing while Jen and Caitlin plan the party.]
Jude: "Nice, instant street cred point!"
Caitlin: [looking around the food court] "Lighting is key to any good party. Think we can rent a disco ball?"
Jen: "Uh, that might be overkill." [Jude's computer beeps.]
Jude: "No, don't go there! Aw, dude! You went there."
Jen: "Okay, what are you doing?"
Jude: "Playing my new game. Simu-Mall."
Caitlin: "Those games are such a waste of time."
Jen: "Yeah. Ooh, my simu-character sat on the simu-couch and drank simu-coffee. How thrilling."
Jude: "This is different! I've set the game up to be a perfect replica of our mall and everyone in it. See?"
[Jen and Caitlin take a look.]
Jen and Caitlin: "Hmm..."
Caitlin: "There's a simu-lemon?"
Jude: "Yep! And there's the whole simu-gang!" [He presses a button, and a cheer rises.]
Caitlin: "Anyway, back to the party. What about scented candles?"
Jen: [getting sucked into Jude's game] "Why aren't you getting any customers at the simu-Stick It?"
Jude: "I dunno, but simu-Jude's hurting! No cheese, no cheeseburgers."
Caitlin: "Uh, Jen?"
Jen: "Maybe it's because the simu-trash in the simu-Stick It is totally piling up. Look."
Jude: [gasping] "I'll just make simu-Jude get rid of it." [He types.]
Jen: "Cool!"
Caitlin: "Wow! I wish it was that easy in real life." [She pushes a trash can away for pickup.]


[Jonesy and Nikki are studying in one of the Khaki Barn's changing rooms.]
Nikki: "The Swiss terrain is distinguished by?"
Jonesy: "An overabundance of yodelers?"
Nikki: "Look, I could be getting Wyatt's birthday present right now."
Jonesy: "But geography is so boring!"
Nikki: "Um, I know, I passed this course last year, remember?"
[Kirsten knocks on the door.]
Kirsten: "Excuse me? How do those khakis in sizes 28, 30, 32 34 and 36 fit?"
Jonesy: "Uh, do you have a size 42?"
Kirsten: "I'll look in the back!"
Nikki: "Nice. There is no 42. But she'll be looking for hours!"
Jonesy: "Just you and me again."
Nikki: "Uh, okay. Back to the books."
Jonesy: "Okay, but if I answer the next question right, you have to answer a question for me."
Nikki: "Yeah, okay. What provinces do the Rocky Mountains cross into?"
Jonesy: "British Colombia and Alberta."
Nikki: "Wow! You actually got one right."
Jonesy: "Okay. So now you have to answer one. How come we haven't gone out on another date?"
Nikki: "What? Uh...I don't know. Next–"
Jonesy: "You know we connect."
Nikki: "Jonesy, we're supposed to be studying."
Jonesy: "You're single, I'm single..."
Nikki: "Can we not talk about this right now?"
Jonesy: "Fine. But, you know you want me."
Nikki: "Yeah, okay, whatever. On to France."
Jonesy: "Ah, the city of love."
Nikki: "Country, Jonesy. Country."


[Jen is watching Jude play.]
Jude: "Nice!"
Jen: "Good!"
Jude: "Uh-oh!"
Jen: "No!"
[A cash register dings, and both exhale in relief.]
Jude: "Refill!"
[Jen changes out his cans of soda for new ones. Caitlin watches disapprovingly.]
Caitlin: "You guys have to stop this. We've got cakes to buy, cards to sign, decorations to–" [gasping] "Why is simu-Caitlin wearing that heinous sweater?"
Jude: "You don't like it?"
Caitlin: "Do you want me to look like a librarian? Change it."
Jude: "The only way to do that is to make simu-Caitlin go shopping."
Caitlin: [interested] "You can shop?!?" [She takes a seat.] "Start on the fourth level. They get all the new collections first." [gasping] "Is that simu-Prada? Ooh, go there, go go go go go go!"


[Jonesy and Nikki are still studying. Jonesy is staring at her dopily.]
Nikki: "Jonesy. Jonesy? Ugh. Maybe we should go somewhere less distracting."
[Nikki's place of choice is the mall fountain. All around are chaos and loud noises.]
Nikki: "Much better."


[The three are playing when Wyatt walks up.]
Jude: "Check it out. It's simu-Wyatt but in real life."
Wyatt: "Don't tell me you're all becoming simu-nerds."
Jen: "Ssh. We're just about to score a better table at the simu-food court."
Wyatt: "Correction: you already are simu-nerds." [Jude's computer beeps.]
Jude: "Whoa, simu-Caitlin just passed simu-Wyatt on the cool scale."
Wyatt: "What?"
Caitlin: "It's because of my new fashions. Good clothes open doors."
Wyatt: "Well, what if simu-Wyatt was fronting a band?"
Jude: "I'm on it."
Wyatt: "Nice! I should go. See you guys tonight."
Jude: "Right."
Jen: "Yeah."
Caitlin: "Later."
Jude: [looking up] "Aren't we supposed to be doing something?"
[Jude's computer clangs loudly.]
Caitlin: "Look! We won the simu-lottery! We're rich!"
[Jen and Caitlin squeal in excitement.]


[Jonesy and Nikki are still studying by the mall fountain.]
Jonesy: "Madrid, Spain; Sofia, Bulgaria; and Bern, Switzerland."
Nikki: "You just correctly named every country and capital in Europe!"
Jonesy: "I did? Who's the man!"
[Sounds draw Nikki's attention. Stores all around the mall are closing.]
Nikki: "Oh no! It's six already!"
Jonesy: "Uh oh. Wyatt's birthday!"
Nikki: "Nice work, Jonesy."
Jonesy: "What? You're the one who lost track of time."
Nikki: "Maybe instead of blaming me you should be getting snacks."
Jonesy: "Well, maybe you should be buying the DVD!"
Nikki: "Uh–"
[Nikki is about to rebut this when both sides realize the other has a point. They scurry off.]


[The three are still playing when Wyatt walks up at the scheduled time.]
Wyatt: "Alright. I'm here. Do your worst."
Jude: "Huh?"
Wyatt: "You said to be here at six for the birthday torture. I'm here."
Jen: "Uh–I–uh–said six thirty."
Wyatt: "No you didn't."
Caitlin: "Yes she did! She said 6:30. I heard it, six thirty."
Jen: "And you almost ruined your surprise! Now go away and, uh, come back in half an hour!"
Wyatt: "Alright, I'll be back." [He walks off.]
Jen: [calling after him] "You're gonna love it, I promise!"
Jude: "He's gone."
[A moment later, all three realize how much they have to do.]
Caitlin, Jen, and Jude: "AAAAHHH!" [They run around, looking for ideas.]
Jude: [coming back for his laptop] "C'mon, simu-Jude, we've got work to do!"


[The gang runs around the mall, trying to find an open store.]
Jen: "Please! Just one card! Any card!"
Jonesy: [running into the just-closed doors of Grind Me] "Aww!"
[Charmaine points to her wrist and walks away.]
Jonesy: "C'mon!"
Caitlin: "No!" [A door shuts in her face.]
Nikki: [pounding on Spin This] "C'mon!"


[All have given up and returned to the Big Squeeze.]
Jen: "Okay. The card store was closed, but at least we've got everything else."
Caitlin, Nikki, and Jonesy: "Uhh..."
Jude: "I guess."
Jen: "We did get everything else, right?" [Caitlin sighs.] "Oh no! What are we gonna do? Wyatt will be back soon!"
Jonesy: "All right, that's it! I'm officially taking this party over! Now didn't I see a party going on somewhere already?"
Jen: "Yeah, at Albatross & Finch. So?"
Jonesy: "Hmm." [He smiles.]
Jen: "Oh no way, Jonesy, we'd never pull it off!"
Jonesy: "Why not?"
Caitlin: "We could what? Why not what?"
Jen: "Pass it off as a party for Wyatt."
Nikki: "There's no way. He'll never buy it."
Jonesy: "I know the store. I worked there for two days. I can get us in!"
Caitlin: "We'll never fit in! All those Albatross people are so snobby!"
Jonesy: "We can do this, guys. It'll be hard, sure!" [Pomp and Circumstance begins to play.] "But if we succeed, it'll go down in history as the single greatest party scam of all time! Now, who's with me?"
Jude: "I am with you, dude!"
Jonesy: "For Wyatt."
Jen: "For Wyatt."
Caitlin: "I'm in."
Nikki: "Me too."
Jude: "Slammin'! Let's rock this party!"
Jen, Jude, Caitlin, Jonesy, and Nikki: "All right!"


[The A&F is decorated in shades of pink and white. Hearts are all around.]
Jude: "What's with all the wedding gear?"
[A cake is wheeled past, a bride and groom on the top of it.]
Nikki: "It's a bridal shower?"


[The five have gotten into the party.]
Jonesy: "I'll admit, the wedding thing is a bit of a setback."
Nikki: "Y'think?"
Jonesy: "But we proceed as planned."
Jen: "Agreed. Just act snooty and get rid of any suspicious decorations. Wyatt will never know this isn't really his birthday party."
Caitlin: "Right!"
Nikki: [sarcastic] "Oh yeah. It's foolproof."
[The gang walk around the store. Caitlin finds a bouquet.]
Caitlin: "Eee!" [She throws it out, and it hits Stuart Goldstein.] "Ooh."
Jude: [finding the snack table] "Check it out, this party even comes with munchies!"
[Jonesy tears down a collage of some good times the soon-to-be-wed couple has had together, wads it up, and kicks it out of the store. It hits Stuart Goldstein.]
Nikki: "Good job. Now all we have to do is find the bride-to-be and shove her into a closet."
Jonesy: "I'm on her."
Nikki: [sighing] "Let's spread out. We've got a lot of ground to cover."
Jonesy: "Right. Nikki and I will take the back of the store. Jude, you take the front; Jen and Caitlin, you've got ten minutes to work the middle, then go to pick up Wyatt. Go."


[What follows is massive wreckage as the gang work their way through the store, stealthily tearing down placards, popping balloons, and destroying flowers. It comes to a head when Jude plans to whip the pink cloth off of the present table.]
Jen: "No way, Jude."
Jude: "Don't worry, I've done this before."
[Jude yanks. Predictably, the presents crash to the floor.]


[Jen and Caitlin lead a blindfolded Wyatt to the store.]
Wyatt: "You know, the only things I hate more than birthdays, are surprises."
[The two push him forward and notice Jude playing his game. They stop, but Wyatt does not.]
Jen: "Jude! Stop playing that game!"
Caitlin: "Yeah, this is important! The game can wait!"
Jude: "Fine. I'll make sure they eat, and then put it down. Promise."
Jen: "Fine, just hurry." [realizing] "Where is he? Wyatt?!?"
Caitlin: "We lost him!"
Wyatt: [still walking] "Guys? A little help?" [He almost bumps into a girl in a blue sweater.]
Caitlin: "Whoops! Sorry. Some people can't handle party games!"
[Caitlin leads him back to the center of the store. Wyatt takes off his blindfold and gasps.]
Wyatt: "No way! All this is for me?"
Caitlin: "Duh! Of course it is, silly!" [She surreptitiously points for Jen to remove a wedding bell decoration.] "C'mon, let's get you a soda."
[Caitlin leads Wyatt to the drink table. Jen removes the bells and throws them out. They hit Jude on the head.]
Jude: "Oof!"
[Jonesy is removing decorations from the food table. A Greeter God walks up behind him.]
Blonde Greeter God: "What do you think you're doing?"
Jonesy: "Some jerk forgot to decorate the buffet table! Can you believe it?"
Blonde Greeter God: "Oh, well, yeah. Okay. Keep up the good work." [He leaves.]
Nikki: [running up] "He's here!"
[Wyatt is hanging out with Jude, Jen, and Caitlin.]
Wyatt: "I can't get over how many people came to wish me a happy birthday!"
Jen: "You're a popular guy."
Wyatt: [to a Greeter God] "Thank you so much for being here!"
Greeter God: "Wouldn't miss it for the world, man. Something like this only happens once in your life. If you're lucky."
[Something about this rings hollow with Wyatt.]
Jude: [taking a sip from his drink hat] "Ah. Quality refreshments, dude." [The Greeter God walks off.]
Wyatt: "Who was he again?"
Jude: "Uh–that was–you know–the dude, from that thing last summer?"
Caitlin: [looking for a distraction] "Hey! Pretty girl! Do you know Wyatt?"
Jill: "No."
Wyatt: "Hey."
Jill: [interested] "Hey."
Caitlin: "Today is Wyatt's sixteenth birthday!"
Jill: "Great. Wanna grab something to eat?"
Wyatt: "Sure." [He goes with her.]
Jude: "Dude, Wyatt's got a girlfriend, remember?"
Caitlin: "I know, but we needed a distraction!"
Jude: "Whoa. You sure picked a good one."
[Wyatt is hanging out with Jill at the buffet table.]
Wyatt: [picking up a chocolate] "Whoa! This must have cost a fortune!"
Jen: "You're worth it."
Wyatt: "Why do the chocolates look like brides?"
[Jen quickly grabs the chocolate and stuffs it in her mouth.]
Jen: [mouth full] "Mmm. Good."
[Wyatt goes for another chocolate, but Jen grabs the tray. She proceeds to scarf down the candies.]
Caitlin: "She's a real chocoholic. It's a problem." [Jen burps.]
Wyatt: [turning to Jill] "So, how do you know the gang?" [noticing the bride] "And why is that girl wearing that thing on her head?"
[As a distraction, Jen pretends to choke. Caitlin does the Heimlich, and she coughs up chocolate.]
Jill: "Eww, gross!"


[Jonesy is popping heart-shaped balloons.]
Nikki: [whispering] "How's it going?"
Jonesy: "Good. Wyatt met a hot chick."
Nikki: "I hope she's not the bride."
[Jonesy takes a balloon and drinks the helium from inside.]
Jonesy: [high-pitched] "So, just give me one good reason why you don't want to go out with me."
Nikki: [chuckling] "Jonesy, c'mon! We've been over this. It's not that I don't want to–"
Jonesy: [high-pitched] "So you do want to! Sweet!"
Nikki: "No. I didn't say that–"
Jonesy: [high-pitched, noticing Wyatt] "Whoa whoa whoa whoa."
Nikki: "Oh no. Looks like they need backup. C'mon."


[Nikki runs up to Jen, who is watching Wyatt and Jill.]
Nikki: "So how's the birthday boy?"
Jen: [exhaling] "Distracted."
[Caitlin and Jonesy try to remove a huge banner and, in doing so, fall over.]
Caitlin: "Whoa!"
Jonesy: "Ow!"
Wyatt: [looking towards the clatter] "What was that?"
Jen: "Uh, er, hey, I'll bet I can stuff three drumsticks in my mouth at once!" [She stuffs three chicken legs into her mouth.] "How cool is that, eh?"
Wyatt: "Right..."
Jill: "Your friends are kind of weird, Wyatt. Let's go grab a drink."
[The two walk off. Jen spits out the drumsticks.]


[Jill and Wyatt are by the drink table.]
Jill: "Grab me a pop. I'll be right back."
[Jill leaves to attend to something, and Wyatt turns around to see his friends grinning nervously.]
Wyatt: "Great party, guys. Just one question: why is the party here?"
Jude: "Oh, um–"
Jen: "Because–"
Nikki: "It was the last place you'd ever think we'd have it!" [They nod.]
Wyatt: "I can't believe how many people you got to come out to this!"
Jen: "Well, Jonesy's pretty persuasive."
Wyatt: [spying the gift table] "Presents? Guys, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble!"
Jude: "Oh man, we're fried now, dude."
[Wyatt walks towards the present table. Jen runs up and plants herself in front of him.]
Jen: "Wyatt! Overall, you've had a good time, right? So maybe we should head out."
Wyatt: "But you got all these amazing gifts! They're almost too nice to open!"
Nikki: "You're right! Better to savor them now and then open them next week."
Wyatt: "No way, I can't wait that long."
Jen: "Sure you can!"
Nikki: "Look, Jonesy, Wyatt found the presents!"
Jonesy: "Great, but, you don't want to open them now! So uncool."
Caitlin: [dragging Jill with her] "Hey, look who I found! It's Jill! Don't you want to talk to Jill instead of opening that silly present?"
Wyatt: "C'mon, guys, just one."
[The gang cross their fingers as Wyatt unwraps the box, hoping that whatever's inside will work as a present.]
Wyatt: "Uh..."
[Wyatt has pulled out a skimpy pink-and-purple negligeé.]
Wyatt: "Thanks?"
Caitlin: [after a moment] "Happy birthday!"
Jen: [catching on] "Yay!"
Jonesy: "Happy B-day!"
Nikki: "Happy happy!"
Jill: "Am I missing something?"
Wyatt: "I was just wondering the same thing."
Jen, Jonesy, Jude, and Nikki: "Uh..."
Caitlin: [thinking fast] "Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!"
Jen, Jonesy, Jude, Nikki, and Caitlin: "Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!"
Crowd: [taking up the chant] "Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!"
Wyatt: "Cool. Bring it on."
Crowd: "Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!"
[The cake is carted out. The gang gasp. On top sits a statuette of a bride and groom.]
Jonesy: "NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
[Jonesy runs forward and dives, headfirst, into the cake, knocking it over and splattering it on everyone.]
Jude: [licking some off his finger] "Mmm. That's good icing."
Jonesy: [to the girl in the blue sweater, chuckling nervously] "Napkin?"
[A microphone is turned on.]
Blonde Greeter God: [into the mike] "A-heh-heh-hem. Okay. It's time for the guest of honor to come up here and say a few words!"
Crowd: "Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!"
Wyatt: [heading for the stage] "Guess I'd better say something."
Crowd: "Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!"
Jonesy: "Wait!" [He slips on the spilled cake.] "Whoa!"
[Jonesy slips and slides into his friends, knocking them all over.]
Nikki: "Aah! Oh no. He's not going to–"
[Wyatt taps the microphone.]
Jen: "He is going to. I can't watch."
[Wyatt clears his throat and begins to speak.]
Wyatt: "Thanks everybody! This party was awesome. I've always hated birthdays, but after tonight, I think I actually like them again! You guys are all so great!"
Guy in Audience: "Dude! Who are you?"
Bride: [behind Wyatt, crying] "What are you doing? This is my bridal shower!"
Wyatt: [confused] "Guys?"
[The gang chuckle and grin nervously.]
Jonesy: "Run!"
[The five follow his instructions and take off out of there, leaving Wyatt to face an angry crowd.]


[Wyatt is sitting at the table by the Big Squeeze. Jude, Caitlin, Nikki, and Jen approach him.]
Jen: "Wyatt–"
Wyatt: "I don't want to hear it."
Nikki: "Okay, we messed up royally. But we had good intentions."
Wyatt: "See? This is why I hate birthdays."
Caitlin: "We just wanted to give you a nice one for a change."
Wyatt: [angry] "So you hijacked a bridal shower, choked down all their food, and risked getting caught all in some deluded effort to give me a happy birthday?!?" [realizing] "Hey. That's pretty cool."
Jude: "You can have your hat back if you still want it."
Wyatt: [taking it back] "You know, as ridiculous as this gift is, I think I'll keep it. Maybe I was being too hard on my parents."
Jude: "If you ever need anyone to look after it, you just let me know."
Wyatt: "Thanks. You guys may not believe this, but, this is one of the best birthday parties I've ever had."
Nikki: [hugging him] "Wyatt, that's–really sad."
Jonesy: [whispering to Jen] "Psst! All clear?"
Jen: "It's cool. Wyatt forgives us!"
Jonesy: "Nice! Because I have a little surprise for everyone." [Jonesy has brought the smashed cake.] "It's a little squashed, but uh, mmm! It's tasty!"
Jude: "Sweet."
Wyatt: "Cool."


[Jude is playing Simu-Mall in Grind Me. The rest of the gang walks in.]
Wyatt: "Jude man, we need to talk."
Jude: "Check it out! Simu-Wyatt just released his first video, bro!"
Caitlin: "Jude, this is an intervention."
Jude: "An inter-what-tion?"
Jen: "You need to stop playing. It's for your own good."
Jude: "Hey, I can quit at any time, dude! And I will!" [turning back to the game] "As soon as simu-Jude becomes king."
Nikki: "Yeah, uh, we're gonna have to confiscate the game now. Guys?"
[Wyatt, Caitlin, and Jen try to pull Jude's laptop away.]
Jude: "No wait! Dudes! Stop! Wait!" [The four start wrestling on the ground.] "My baby! Dude!"
Jonesy: "So, will you go out with me or not?"
Nikki: "What do you think?"
Jonesy: "Seriously? I think you're chicken."
Nikki: [realizing] "You know what? I am chicken. That's it! I'm scared of screwing this up."
Jonesy: "Screwing what up? We haven't done anything yet."
Nikki: "No. This." [She gestures to the four friends, who are happy even while fighting.] "The six of us. I don't want to mess this up, you know?"
Jonesy: "Yeah. I guess I get it. But it still sucks, right?"
Nikki: "Mmm...maybe a little." [She elbows him.]
Jonesy: "Ow!"
Nikki: "I got you."
[Jonesy starts wrestling with Nikki. Soon, all six friends are on the floor, laughing and playfully fighting.]

Season 1 Scripts
Take This Job and Squeeze ItThe Big SickieThe Slow and the Even-TemperedA Lime to PartyDeck the MallThe Sushi ConnectionThe Five Finger DiscountBreaking Up with the Boss' SonEmployee of the MonthIdol Time at the MallThe Fake DateMr. Nice GuyThe Girls in the BandClonesyStupid Over CupidThe Khaki GirlThe (Almost) GraduateBring It OnThe SwamiCecil B. DelusionedThe Birthday BoyEnter the DragonOne Quiet DayIt's Always Courtney, Courtney, Courtney!The One with the Text MessageBoo, Dude6teen: Dude of the Living Dead
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Hour-Long Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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