[At the Khaki Barn, Nikki is printing out a really long receipt.]
Nikki: "Yep, I'm doomed. It's gonna cost a small fortune."
Kirsten: "What are you doing?"
Nikki: "Calculating the cost of my future therapy bills."
Kirsten: "Uh, whatever? So, like the new scoop-necked tube tops?"
Nikki: "...I'll be in the change rooms." [Nikki walks towards the changing rooms. When she gets there, she finds a really hot guy outside the rooms. She scans his body.] "Hel-lo." [When she gets back to his face, he's looking at her.] "Hey." [going over] "You work at Albatross & Finch. Isn't it forbidden for you guys to buy from the Khaki Barn? We're at retail war with you."
Hunter: [shrugging] "It's just a job. I'm saving my money to go traveling next summer."
Nikki: "Really? Me too."
Hunter: "I've always wanted to take the Old Silk Roads through Asia."
Nikki: "Whoa! I've had that trip planned in my head since my Grade 8 poly-sci project!"
Hunter: [putting on a shirt] "Nice! Maybe I'll see you there. Hey, don't tell anyone I bought this, okay? Just in case we declare war on your Khaki butts next week."
[Hunter and Nikki grin at each other. They hold this pose for a few seconds before Hunter pulls away.]
Hunter: "It's weird. I feel like we really connected just now." [leaving] "You should stop by on your break sometime."
Nikki: "All right! I mean, sure. Uh, okay. Maybe." [after he's gone] "EEEEEE-HEEEEE!"
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
[Nikki is alone at a table by the Big Squeeze, drawing something in a book. Caitlin runs up.]
Caitlin: "Hey Nikki!" [Nikki quickly slams the book shut.] "Who's Hunter?"
Nikki: "Just a guy."
Caitlin: "C'mon!" [She grabs the book and flips through it.] "You would never just write any guy's name in your journal."
Nikki: "All right..." [excited] "He came into the Khaki Barn today and we had this amazing conversation! I'm just not sure if he likes me likes me. Y'know?"
Caitlin: "Leave it to me. I'll get the goods."
Nikki: "Oh, I don't know, Caitlin."
Caitlin: "Don't worry! I'll just engage him in a little casual conversation."
[Jonesy walks by wielding a staple gun and a stack of fliers. He stops and puts one on the Big Squeeze.]
Caitlin: "Hey! You can't just staple any flier onto my lemon! What's it for?"
Jonesy: "A psychic hotline. Some dude gave me twenty bucks to put them all over the mall so I say sa-weet."
[Jen, Jude, and Wyatt walk up to their friends. Jude sits down.]
Wyatt: [looking at the flier] "Weird. It's only one digit off of Underground Video's number."
Nikki: "Well, if you ask me, it's all a load of–"
[Nikki stops talking as Hunter walks by.]
Hunter: [waving] "Hey."
[Nikki watches him walk happily, taking a sip of her drink. Caitlin notices.]
Caitlin: "That's him, isn't it!"
Jen: [gazing after Hunter] "Him who?"
Nikki: [to Caitlin] "Ssh!"
Caitlin: "Nikki's new crush Hunter!"
Jen: "Well hel-lo, Nikki. You've reached the psychic hotline, and I predict a summer of love."
Nikki: [groaning] "I hate this!"
[Hunter is tending the sales counter at A&F while Caitlin shops. Caitlin's phone rings.]
Nikki: "So what'd he say?"
Caitlin: "Go get yourself a smoothie and leave the love exploiting to me." [She hangs up and walks up to the sales counter.] "Hey. I was just wondering if I could ask you something."
Hunter: "Hey, wait, I know you! You're in my gym class! Caitlin, right?"
Caitlin: "Yeah! So, I have a question–"
Hunter: "Hold on, let me ask you something first. You've got great style, what do you think about this for our new uniform?" [He holds up some clothes.]
Caitlin: "You're asking me to pick the new Albatross & Finch uniforms?"
Hunter: "Yeah, you're clearly an Albatross & Finch girl."
Caitlin: "I do read all of the catalogs. Well, it's great. But I'd go with the longer destroyed shorts in mud brown. More fall appropriate."
Hunter: "That's exactly what I said! Wow. It's like we're...really in sync."
Caitlin: "I know." [They look at each other, grinning.] "Okay, so I was gonna ask you–"
Hunter: "Do you wanna grab a bite with me tonight?"
Caitlin: [forgetting her mission] "I'd love to!"
Hunter: "Seven o'clock okay?"
Caitlin: "Seven's perfect!" [She turns to go.]
Hunter: "Hey, didn't you want to ask me something?"
Caitlin: [trying to remember] "Um...no. I don't think so."
Hunter: "Well, just don't forget our date."
Caitlin: "I won't." [She leaves. Once out of earshot, Caitlin congratulates herself.] "I rock I rock I r–oh no! Nikki! What have I done?" [Caitlin has stopped across the hall from the Khaki Barn. Her phone starts ringing, and she answers.] "Hello?"
Nikki: "So what happened? I'm dying here!"
Caitlin: [fibbing] "Operation Get Hunter was a total success!" [knocking herself on the head] "In fact, you have a date with him tonight at the Gigantoplex! Seven o'clock."
Nikki: "No! Oh, thanks Caitlin!"
Caitlin: "I–it was no p-problem. Really." [She ends the call. The implications of her actions sink in.] "What did I do?"
[Wyatt and Jude are at work when the store phone rings. They begin to tussle over it.]
Wyatt: "No–no–it's mine–give it–I got–"
[Wayne walks over and answers the phone. His employees continue to fight.]
Wayne: "Hello, Underground Video." [hearing the response] "Listen, I'm only gonna tell you this one more time–SHUT UP!" [Jude and Wyatt quit fighting.] "This is not, repeat NOT, the psychic hotline!" [He hangs up.] "Man! That's the fourteenth time today that Lydia chick has called! I'm surrounded by idiots!"
Wyatt: "I totally saw this one coming."
Jude: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Wyatt: "Definitely! Hey, maybe I am psychic!"
[Jonesy has put up all his fliers in the food court. They're all in the same specific area around the lemon.]
Jonesy: "Finished in record time."
Fréderika: "I have never seen such a perfect neck!"
Jonesy: "Uhokay, hot Euro-chick."
Fréderika: "I am Fréderika Casanoveda. International Parts Modeling."
Jonesy: "Jonesy. Flier distribution."
Fréderika: [examining him] "Such long, lean neck tendons. Such an amazing chiseled jawline."
Jonesy: [flattered] "Well, I do take care of myself."
Fréderika: "You will be bigger than Jono! He is the wrist behind the new Rollout Watch campaign."
Jonesy: "Oh yeah! I love that guy!"
Fréderika: "Then it's settled. You will be my new top neck model."
[Ron, on patrol, drives by Underground Video. Inside, the phone rings, and Jude puts it on speaker.]
Jude: "Psychic Hotline. We put the sick back in psychic."
Wyatt: [whispering] "We're going to need a better line."
Lydia: "Hi! Okay, here's the thing. I'm totally head-over-heels for this guy Jonesy–" [recognizing the name, the psychics stifle their laughter] "–but he never even notices me! What should I do?"
Jude: [stifling giggles] "Let's see what the cards say." [He plucks a tarot card at random from a deck and reads it incorrectly.] "Well, uh, they say to uh, stand in the fountain like a scarecrow. Your dream dude will find you there."
Lydia: [amazed] "Cool! Okay thanks!" [She hangs up. Jude and Wyatt laugh. Another call comes in.]
Wyatt: [putting it on speaker] "Psychic Hotline, we take the guesswork out of tomorrow."
Coach Halder: "Yeah, hi. I got a major sporting dilemma."
Jude: [whispering gleefully] "It's Coach Halder!"
Coach Halder: [sheepish] "Yeah, I'm training to run the marathon, but I'm craving a hot fudge sundae." [Jude shakes a magic eight-ball.] "What should I do?"
Wyatt: [reading the answer] "Seize the day?"
Jude: "Seize the sundae, marathon dude!"
[The call ends, and Jude and Wyatt hi-five.]
[Nikki enters the Khaki Barn changing rooms wearing a revealing pink top and tight jeans.]
Caitlin: "So? Nikki! You look so pretty!"
Kirsten: "Get past all the eyeliner, and you're really not that ugly!"
Nikki: "Gee, thanks." [Caitlin's eyes widen as she notices the time.]
Caitlin: "Oh my gosh! I totally have to get ready for my date!"
Nikki: "Oh. You have a date tonight too?"
Caitlin: "Oh, I'm, uh, just grabbing burgers with my, uh, grandfather."
Kirsten: "Intergenerational bonding?"
Caitlin: "Yeah, right. Good luck, Nikki!"
Nikki: [smiling] "Thanks."
[Caitlin leaves the store.]
Caitlin: [to herself] "Oh, I am such a bad person!"
[The so-called video store psychic hotline rings.]
Jude: "You've reached the Psychic Hotline. We already knew you were gonna call, 'cause we're psychics."
Jonesy: "Guys! It's Jonesy! You're never gonna believe what happened! I'm gonna be the next big thing in neck modeling!"
Fréderika: [taking pictures] "More attitude, darlink. That's it!"
Jude: "What's neck modeling?"
Jonesy: "I'm not entirely sure. But Fréderika says it's gonna net me tons of coin!"
Fréderika: "Come on, darlink. We're gonna be late for your turtleneck fittink."
Jonesy: "I'll call you guys later, probably when I get back from my big gig."
Wyatt: "Where's that?"
Jonesy: "I have no idea! Later!"
[Jonesy and Fréderika walk past the fountain, not noticing Lydia, who is standing barefoot in the water.]
Lydia: "Every minute we're apart is an eternity."
[Nikki waits outside the Gigantoplex. As time runs from 7:00 to 7:30, the crowds thin. Eventually, it is 7:45, and Hunter still hasn't shown up. Nikki sighs.]
[Coach Halder is at the ice cream shop, enjoying a sundae.]
Coach Halder: "This is good! Ohhh yeah! That's nice! Mmm!"
[The camera pans over to Caitlin and Hunter, who are sharing a booth.]
Caitlin: "This is so good."
Hunter: "You've got some whipped cream on your nose."
[Hunter leans over and kisses the whipped cream off of Caitlin's nose. Outside the store, Jen walks past. Suddenly, she stops and comes back, gasping. Her fears are confirmed; she saw what she thought.]
Hunter: "I feel like we–we really have a connection, you know?"
Caitlin: "You are so sweet."
[Caitlin casually eats a maraschino cherry and glances out of the window. She gasps and chokes when she sights Jen.]
Hunter: "Are you okay?" [Caitlin, in a fit of coughing, knocks over the sundae. Once she recovers, she hides her face in a menu.] "What are you doing?"
Jen: "Yeah. What are you doing, Caitlin? I need to talk to you. Now."
[Jen shoves Caitlin out of the restaurant and advances on her.]
Caitlin: "AWK!" [backing away] "Okay, before you start yelling at me, I swear, this isn't what it looks like."
Jen: "So you're not sharing a drink with the guy Nikki has a crush on."
Caitlin: "Okay, so–it is what it looks like! But–here's the thing. I tried to ask out Hunter for Nikki, but he didn't give me a chance! Then he asked me out! And before I even knew what was happening–oh I said yes!"
Jen: "I just have one question. Did you, or did you not, twirl your hair?"
Caitlin: "Ohhhhh...yes! But–I couldn't help it! It was like I was on autoflirtpilot or something!"
Jen: "Caitlin! How could you?"
Caitlin: "Awnh, well, I know it was wrong, but–he's so cute!"
Jen: "Are you gonna be the kind of girl who picks a guy over her best friend?!?"
Caitlin: [after a long pause] "You're right. I have to break up with Hunter."
Jen: [cheered up] "Thattagirl. Now you march out there and dump that hottie!" [She pushes Caitlin forward.]
[When Caitlin returns to the table, a pink dish has been placed upon it.]
Caitlin: "Hunter, we need to talk."
Hunter: "I asked the waiter to bring us the most romantic sundae he had. It's called the 'I Wuv You' sundae."
Caitlin: [touched upon seeing it] "Aww. You did?"
Hunter: "What is it you wanted to say, babe?"
Caitlin: "Just that–" [reconsidering] "–you're the best."
[At the movie theater, the clock ticks over to 8:00, and Nikki gives up on her date.]
[At work the next day, Nikki is glumly folding clothes. Chrissy and Kirsten walk over.]
Kirsten: "So? Did you actually get stood up at the movies? That must have been so embarrassing for you."
Nikki: "Oh, would you just. Shut. Up!" [Hunter walks by the store, whistling.] "Oh, I'm not going to just let him get away with this. I'm gonna demand an answer."
[Underground Video's store phone rings.]
Wyatt: "Psychic Hotline."
Lydia: "Yeah, so I stood in the fountain for–" [sneezing] "–f-for four hours, but Jonesy never came."
Jude: [picking up a tarot card] "Okay. The cards say you have done well, but now you have to, uh, dress like the Easter Bunny, and grab the bull by the horns."
Lydia: [nose stuffed up] "And that will get Jonesy's attention?" [She sneezes.]
Jude: "He won't be able to miss ya, bra."
Lydia: "Yay!" [The call ends. A new call comes in.]
Coach Halder: "I took your advice and had the hot fudge sundae. But now I can't fit into my–uh–what kind of training advice are you giving at this physical hotline!?!"
Wyatt: "It's not a physical hotline, sir. It's a psychic hotline."
Coach Halder: "Oh. Oh well. Then maybe you can help me with something else. I was wondering if that little filly over at Get Wiggy With It would be interested in a date. Any ideas there?"
Jude: "You do know that little filly's a dude in a wig, right?"
Coach Halder: "Wha?" [He looks around nervously.] "You're kidding."
Jude: "The cards kid you not, and right now, they're telling you to get your eyes checked, pronto, dude."
[Jude hangs up, and both he and Wyatt laugh.]
[Hunter is stocking clothes in Albatross & Finch. Nikki runs up and starts shooting rubber bands at him.]
Hunter: [getting hit] "Ouch! Hey Nikki. What's up?"
Nikki: "Don't hey Nikki me! I thought we had a date! How could you just stand me up like that? Do you have any idea how humiliating that was?"
Hunter: "Whoa, chill. All I did was tell you to stop by."
Nikki: "But–Caitlin–didn't she come here the other day to talk to you?"
Hunter: [thinking] "Caitlin...oh, you mean the cute blonde girl I went out with last night?"
Nikki: "Wait. You and Caitlin went out on a date last night, just the two of you?"
Nikki: "So Caitlin didn't mention me?"
Hunter: "Sorry, no."
Nikki: [processing this information] "Oh. Nevermind." [She leaves.]
[Caitlin is serving Kirsten a drink when Nikki walks up.]
Nikki: "Hi ya, Caitlin."
Caitlin: [nervous] "Nikki! Hi! Uh, want a free squishy?" [She hands it over, arm shaking.]
Nikki: "That's what I love about you, Caitlin. You're always thinking of other people. First you try to get me a date with Hunter, then when he stands me up and leaves me crushed, you make me a lemon squishy."
Caitlin: [chuckling nervously] "That's the kind of friend I am."
Nikki: "Oh, so you wouldn't be the kind who stabs one in the back then, huh?" [Kirsten gasps.]
Kirsten: [calling loudly] "Friend drama, by the giant lemon!"
[Chrissy and Kristen zoom up, and the clones sit down to watch the show.]
Nikki: "Go on, Caitlin. Isn't there something you'd like to say?" [She holds the lemon squishy over Caitlin.]
Caitlin: [scared] "Okay, okay. I went out on a date with Hunter behind your back." [The Clones gasp.]
Kirsten: "This is so not right!"
Caitlin: "But what was I supposed to do? Forfeit my chances with a hot guy who likes me just because you saw him first? I was only talking to him because you were too scared to."
Kirsten: "Wait. You didn't even talk to him? Oh, that changes things."
Chrissy: "Rules of engagement, ladies. Nikki saw him first."
Caitlin: "Oh, I didn't mean to hurt you, Nikki. You have to believe me."
Nikki: "After you made me stand there at the movies like an idiot for an hour? Yeah right."
Kirsten: "I don't want to be on Caitlin's side anymore. Can I switch?"
Chrissy: "Um, no."
Caitlin: "I didn't mean to lie, really. You just looked so desperate."
[This hits a nerve.]
Nikki: "Oh, that's it." [She slams down her drink and storms away.]
Caitlin: "No! I didn't mean it that way! Nikki! Come back!"
[Nikki is in the Penalty Box, looking at sporting equipment. She picks up a baseball bat and a fencing sword.]
Jen: "What are you looking for, exactly?"
Nikki: "Something very sharp."
Jen: "This is about Hunter, isn't it."
Nikki: [picking up a crossbow] "Oh great, so you knew too?" [Jen pulls her behind a shelf.] "What?"
Jen: "I'm not supposed to be talking to friends on duty."
Nikki: "Since when?"
Jen: "Since always. But we used to be able to get away with it, stupid psychic told him to get glasses, and now he's got 20/20 vision."
Coach Halder: [spying them] "Masterson! No fraternizing."
Jen: [taking Nikki's crossbow away] "Okay, I know you're mad at Caitlin, and you totally deserve to be, but just don't do anything you'll regret."
Nikki: [walking out] "Don't worry. I'm gonna fight Caitlin fire with Caitlin fire."
Jonesy: "Jen, dahling!" [Jonesy is in the store with a hot model on each of his arms.]
Jen: "Why are you walking like that?"
Jonesy: "Fréderika told me to show off my good neck side at all times."
Jen: "Who's Fréderika?"
Fréderika: [walking up] "I am Fréderika Casanoveda."
Jonesy: "She is the premiere parts modeling agent in the world." [He snaps his fingers.] "Vete! A photo for the lovely lady." [The lady pulls out an autographed photo of Jonesy's neck and hands it over.]
Jen: "Okay then."
Jonesy: "Let's roll, people."
[Jonesy and his entourage walk out of the store. Jen slings the crossbow over her shoulder, and it goes off. The arrow traces a speedy path through the air and cuts through the rope Coach Halder is hanging from.]
Coach Halder: [falling] "MMMMMAAAAASSSSSTTEEEERRRRSSSOOOONN–" [He crashes.]
[Nikki spies on Hunter. She then pulls out her phone and calls him.]
Nikki: [in an overly girlish voice] "Hey Hunter, it's Caitlin!"
Hunter: "Hey Caitlin."
Nikki: "Yeah, I was just calling to see if we have a date tonight? I couldn't remember because I'm so blonde! Heh heh!"
Hunter: "That's okay. Who needs brains when you're so cute?" [Nikki mimes gagging.]
Nikki: "What time are we meeting again? Uhhaha!"
Hunter: "Eight o'clock."
Nikki: "That's what I thought! But oh, I can't make it. Family emergency. Okay, bye bye!" [She hangs up. Speaking normally to herself] "Uch, what did I see in that guy? Ugh!"
[The guys are at the table. Jonesy has a steaming towel over his face.]
Wyatt: [chuckling] "Should I even ask?"
Jonesy: "Fréderika said it would keep my million-dollar pores open."
Jude: "Are you sure you want open pores?"
Jen: "Wyatt! Jude!" [She marches up to them.] "Sit! Stay! Wayne just told me you guys are the ones giving Coach Halder all the psychic advice!"
Coach Halder: "Masterson! I can see you!" [Coach Halder is still in the sports store, and yet he can see all the way to the food court.] "Get back to work! Now!"
Jen: "You had better disband your little hotline, or else."
Wyatt: "Okay, okay! We will!"
Coach Halder: "Masterson!"
Jen: [going back to the store] "Yeah yeah, I'm coming."
Jonesy: "Busted!" [He laughs. Suddenly, a pink bunny slams full-force into him.]
Lydia: "Grab the bull by the horns!" [Jonesy staggers around, trying to get her off.]
Jonesy: "Not the neck! It's my ticket out of suburbia! AAAAH!" [Jude and Wyatt laugh.]
Jude: "Making people do stupid things is way too much fun, dude."
Wyatt: "We're not disbanding the hotline." [They hi-five.]
[Nikki spies on Caitlin, who is alone at a table in Super Terrific Happy Sushi. Huni comes up behind Caitlin.]
Caitlin: "I'll just wait for my date. He should be here any minute."
[Huni walks off, and Caitlin begins munching on a piece of bread to pass the time.]
[When we next see her, Caitlin's mascara is running and she's on the verge of a complete crying jag. Not only this, but the candle on the table has burned down almost completely and she has finished the bread.]
Caitlin: [to Huni, almost crying] "I'm sorry, I guess he's not coming." [about to weep] "And I ate all your bread!"
[Huni takes the last piece and walks away as Caitlin starts crying.]
Nikki: "Oh, no..." [Nikki walks up to Caitlin.] "Okay, this isn't nearly as much fun as I thought."
Caitlin: "Nikki? What are you doing here?"
Nikki: "I was trying to give you a taste of your own medicine, but then I–"
[Nikki stops talking. Both she and Caitlin hear a familiar voice.]
Hunter: "You look really hot."
Kirsten: [hanging on to him] "Thanks. So do you."
Nikki: "Hunter's on a date with Kirsten now? Ugh! What a sleazeball!"
Caitlin: "I can't believe I picked a jerk like him over you!" [She looks downcast.] "I'm sorry I was such a loser friend, Nikki. I just got carried away."
Nikki: "Yeah...that's okay."
Caitlin: "This is way more special than some stupid guy."
Nikki: "Agreed." [She hears Kirsten chuckle.] "Uch. What do you say we teach Hunter a lesson he won't soon forget?"
Caitlin: "Definitely." [hugging Nikki] "Revenge bonding! Eee!"
[The phone rings inside Underground Video.]
Jude: "Psychic Hotline. Not just for crazy people anymore."
Astria: [sounding like Jen] "Yeah. This is Astria, the owner of the real psychic hotline? If you two don't stop pretending to be me, I'm going to put a hex on you." [Jude chuckles.]
Wyatt: "It's a big, free, psychic world out there, sister. We're not scared of you."
Astria: "Oh no?"
[A DVD smacks into Wyatt's head. Jude catches it.]
Jude: "Gah! The DVD's called Hex! WHAAA!" [He drops the case and backs up.] "No amount of fun is worth messing with my mojo, dude!"
Wyatt: [cowering under the table] "Consider the psychic hotline officially off the hook." [He hangs up.]
[Behind one of the DVD stacks, Jen giggles. In her hand is a cell phone.]
Jen: "Worked like a charm." [She giggles.]
[Nikki, Wyatt, Jude, and Caitlin are all gathered around the Big Squeeze.]
Caitlin: "Look! Here comes loverboy."
[Hunter takes a seat in the food court with his new date: Chrissy.]
Nikki: "I don't believe it! He's dating Chrissy now too?"
Jude: [impressed] "What a dude!" [Caitlin looks at him angrily.]
[Chrissy and Hunter are looking deep into each other's eyes when four girls walk up and look at them angrily.]
Kirsten: "Chrissy! You stole my man?"
Greeter Goddess: "No, he's my man!"
Kristen: "No, he's mine!"
Gwen: "No, he's mine!"
Kirsten: "Hunter, you jerk!"
Greeter Goddess: "Get him, girls!"
[Hunter quickly makes a break for it, and his five girlfriends chase him. The four at the lemonade stand laugh.]
Nikki: [hi-fiving Caitlin] "Nice work."
Caitlin: [calling after him] "Enjoy your dates, Hunter!"
[The gang minus Jonesy are gathered around the table.]
Wyatt: "I miss the psychic hotline."
Jude: "Me too, dude."
Nikki: "How's the Coach Halder situation? Any better?"
Jen: "I waited until he put his glasses down and then I accidentally sat on them."
[Jonesy walks up in a neck brace.]
Nikki: "Is that another one of Fréderika's neck-protecting devices?"
Jonesy: "I wish! Ow! That Lydia chick threw herself all over me and gave me a wicked kink!"
Jen: "Did you guys tell her to do that?" [Jude giggles.]
Jonesy: [angry] "That was you two? Ow!" [Jude and Wyatt hi-five each other.]
Wyatt: "Does this mean you won't be going to Paris like you thought?"
Jonesy: "Ow! It's all over. You miss one booking and you're through, finished, kaput!"
Caitlin: "Wow. Neck modeling can be a harsh and unforgiving industry."
Jonesy: "Why didn't I sign that million-dollar neck insurance policy when I had the chance? Excuse me." [He gets up to walk away.] "I have to go drown myself in a toilet."
Nikki: [calling after him] "Make sure you flush!"