[Jen is in the driver's seat of a bus.]
Girl: "Can we say 'hey bus driver, speed up a little bit?'"
Jen: [adjusting the rearview mirror] "As soon as the bus gets rolling!"
Coach Hanson: "Don't forget to load up the equipment bags, Jen."
Jen: [dreamily] "The what?" [snapping back to reality] "Oh, right! Sure thing, Coach Handsome! I mean, Coach Hanson!"
[Jen gets off the bus. On the way to the back, she passes Coach Hanson.]
Coach Hanson: "You've got your driver's license, right?"
Jen: "Sure thing, coach!" [to herself as she gets the bags] "A learner's permit is practically a license."
[Jen picks up the bags. As she does, the bus starts rolling backwards.]
Girls on bus: "Hey bus driver, speed up a little bit, speed up a little bit, speed up a little bit!"
[Jen looks up and notices the bus is missing.]
Jen: "That's weird. I thought I left the–"
[Behind her, the bus crashes into something, and a hubcap goes rolling past her.]
[Jen awakens. She has been sleeping on the job.]
Jen: "I am so going to fail my driving test again."
The opening credits roll.
The title of this episode is
The Slow and the Even-Tempered
[Most of the gang is at the table. Wyatt arrives, wearing an aviator jacket. Caitlin notices.]
Caitlin: "Someone's outfit-challenged today."
Jude: "Seriously, dude. 1985 called. They want their jacket back."
Wyatt: "What's wrong with it?"
Caitlin: "Wyatt, it's old. Retro is so yesterday."
Nikki: "She says, without a hint of irony."
Caitlin: "They have a sale at my favorite guy store this week. I could take you."
Wyatt: [angry] "I don't want a new one. This is my lucky jacket! I was wearing this jacket when I won that songwriting contest last year, and when I got on the Great 9 National Debate Team!"
Jonesy: "Yeah, I wouldn't advertise that one, buddy."
Wyatt: "I'm telling you, this jacket is lucky."
Jude: "Ah, Lady Luck. The most elusive Betty of them all."
Jonesy: "Okay, let me touch it then. I need a new job." [He rubs the jacket.]
Caitlin: "What happened to your job at the Nothing-Over-A-Dollar store?"
Jonesy: "Bad vibe, no chicks, just old ladies looking for a deal." [continuing to rub the sleeve] "C'mon, lucky jacket!"
Wyatt: [pulling his arm away] "Quit it! You're gonna rub a hole in it!"
Nikki: [mocking] "Yeah, don't 'ruin' it!"
Caitlin: "There's no such thing as luck. I wore my lucky bra to my last bio test, and I totally flunked!"
Jen: "Maybe if you studied, you'd have been more 'lucky'. I heard Ron the Rent-a-Cop is looking for an assistant security guard."
Jonesy: "Yes!" [realizing] "No! Ah! I dunno, man."
Nikki: "Could you imagine Jonesy as mall security? The only thing arresting about him is his breath."
Jonesy: [offended] "What? You think I couldn't do it?" [standing up] "There is no job in this mall that I can't do. The next time you see me, I'll be running this joint."
[Jonesy storms off as his friends laugh behind his back.]
[Jen is posing a mannequin while reading the driver's manual.]
Jen: [making appropriate hand signals] "Right! Left!" [clenching the dummy's fist] "Get off the road, you idiot!" [She giggles.]
Coach Halder: "Masterson!" [Jen snaps to attention.] "Why is that guy picking his nose?"
[Jen looks at the mannequin. She has indeed left it picking its nose.]
Coach Halder: "Forget that for a minute. I need you to go buy me lunch." [walking away] "Surprise me. Nothing spicy, though."
Jen: "Sure thing, Coach."
[Jen walks up to Stick It, still reading the manual.]
Jude: "Hey Jen. Hungry?"
Jen: "I have to buy lunch for Coach Halder."
Jude: "How about Five-Alarm Barbeque Stick Its?"
Jen: [not paying attention] "Sure, whatever."
Jude: "So, do you know the ending? Who did it?"
Jen: "Jude, it's a driver's manual."
Jude: "So the chauffeur probably did it."
Jen: "I'm studying for my driver's license. But I don't know why I'm even bothering. There's no way I'm going to get it."
Jude: "How come?"
Jen: [despondent] "I think I'm gonna crash."
Jude: "Nah, you'll be fine."
Jen: "No offense, but you don't know what it's like to crash a vehicle."
Jude: "Oh, I know about crashing, dude. That gross feeling in the pit of your stomach? The screech of tires? That final sickening crunch of metal against wood?"
Jen: [scared] "Yes! Yes, it's so awful!"
Jude: "If you want I could give you driving lessons."
Jen: "Why? What makes you such an expert?"
[Jude pulls out his wallet and shows off a license to Jen.]
Jen: [surprised] "They let you drive?"
Jude: "I am a most impressive driver. I can make you equally as skilled."
Jen: "I need all the help I can get!"
[Jonesy walks up to the security office and opens the door. Looking inside, he sees Ron polishing a medal. Ron looks up.]
Ron: "What do you want?"
Jonesy: "I heard you were looking for–um–ahem–assistant?"
Ron: [in Jonesy's face] "Do you think you've got what it takes, punk? Do you?"
Jonesy: [slightly scared] "Yes sir!"
Ron: "Alright maggot. Let's see your stuff."
[Ron begins running tests on Jonesy. The first one is a treadmill. Jonesy calmly runs on it at a fast clip. When Ron checks his heart rate, however, Jonesy lets the facade slip and shows that he's getting winded. He quickly puts the face back on when Ron looks up only to slip and fall off the treadmill. The next thing Ron does is a lie detector test.]
Ron: "Have you ever been arrested?"
Ron: "Have you ever said a bad thing about a mall security officer?"
[The detector indicates a lie. Ron then tests his ability to notice violations with cardboard cutouts. The first one is an old lady walking along; Jonesy signals that it's good. Next comes a bald man on a bench.]
Jonesy: "No loitering!"
[The next one is off the perpetually kissing couple Jason and Joanie.]
Jonesy: "Break it up you two!"
[Ron is looking over his notes on Jonesy while the bored boy sits next to him. Ron finishes with the notes.]
Ron: "Welcome to the force, kid."
Jonesy: "Can I have a gun?"
Jonesy: "How about nunchucks?"
Ron: [holding up a uniform] "You get this."
Jonesy: "Yo I-I was thinking of working undercover?"
Ron: "Yo. Wear the uniform."
[Jen and Jude are still at Stick It.]
Jude: "If I'm gonna teach you the way of the road, you're gonna have to trust me."
Jude: "It's my way or the highway."
Jen: "Got it."
Jude: "Actually, my way will also involve the highway, but you know what I mean. Let me see your manual." [Jen hands over the manual, and Jude flips through it.] "Just as I thought." [He throws it into the trash.]
Jude: "What did I say?" [Jen sighs.] "That's better. You've gotta get off book, it's all about making it real. Now, are you ready?" [Jen nods.] "Good. Then follow me." [He leads her away.]
[Jonesy exits the office in the uniform. He is immediately approached by Yummy Mummy.]
Yummy Mummy: "Excuse me? Security?" [flirtatiously] "Sorry to bother you. You're new here." [sighing] "I just love a man in uniform." [She moves close to him.]
Jonesy: "Whoa. T-thank–" [deepening his voice] "–thank you."
Yummy Mummy: "Could you tell me where Willows and Williams is?"
Jonesy: "Well ma'am, you go down to the next level, and it's on your left."
Yummy Mummy: [stroking his arm] "Thank you so much."
Jonesy: "You take care now." [bragging to himself] "Oh yeah. Officer Mac Daddy's on the job."
[Jude and Jen arrive at the arcade.]
Jen: "I thought you were going to teach me to drive."
Jude: "You can't just put an astronaut in the space shuttle and tell him to fly! You have to train them first, in a simulator."
Jen: "But I'm not an astronaut."
Jude: "No, you're an autonaut." [leading her to a game] "Welcome to High Speed Manslaughter! This will be your teacher. Go on, slip into the seat. Remember, the car and the road are an extension of you. You have to feel it."
Jen: [in the driver's seat] "Where's the horn?"
Jude: "There's no horn! There's no AC! It's a video game!" [holding a quarter] "Ready?"
Jude: "Okay." [putting the coin in and selecting a level] "Let's go with my personal favorite, Death Toll Highway. Now, ease that bad boy out of first..."
[Jude waits for Jen to comply. Instead, Jen keeps at her current rate, going at the speed of a snail covered in molasses made of wet cement.]
Game: [after fifteen seconds of this] "Please speed up."
Jude: [mortified] "I didn't know you could drive so slow in this game! You really suck at this."
Jen: "What do you want? That old man with the walker just cut me off!"
Jude: [massaging her shoulders] "Just try to relax. The game is not just about driving, it's also about killing things."
[Jonesy is walking the mall. He comes upon a window and examines himself in it. Jonesy then poses before taking a bite of his donut. Jelly squirts out and lands on his chest pocket. He looks down.]
Jonesy: "I've been hit! Guh!"
[Jonesy collapses to the floor. A girl in a blue sweater walks by, and Jonesy sits up.]
Jonesy: "You should be fined for looking so fine."
[Caitlin is chewing gum when Wyatt rushes up to the lemonade stand.]
Wyatt: "Cait. You haven't seen my lucky jacket, have you?"
Caitlin: "Lucky jacket?"
Wyatt: "You know, the one you guys were bugging me about this morning!"
Caitlin: "This morning...you mean like, today?"
Wyatt: "I lost it. I was sure I left it here!"
Caitlin: [shrugging] "Hmm. Guess not."
Wyatt: "Well, if you see it let me know." [He walks off.]
Caitlin: "Sure will." [She watches to make sure he's gone before reaching under the counter and pulling up the jacket.] "This is for your own good, Wyatt. No one can carry off a jacket that bad."
Nikki: [behind her] "Hey, what's up?"
Caitlin: [quickly hiding the jacket] "Nikki! Hi!"
Nikki: "Isn't that Wyatt's lucky jacket?"
Caitlin: "No! Well...it could be. Okay it is. I took it."
Nikki: "Oh, did retro come back in? I must have missed the memo."
Caitlin: "No, I took it to prove to Wyatt he doesn't need a lucky jacket. When he realizes he's not dependent on it like he thinks it is, he won't have to wear it anymore."
Nikki: [sniffing the air] "Uh, is that a bad idea I smell?"
Caitlin: "Oh no. It'll work."
Nikki: "Yeah, we'll see. Wyatt has a big audition tonight for a gig. If he cracks, I guess you'll be wrong." [She gasps.] "Do you see what I see?"
[What Nikki sees is security officer Jonesy walking across the food court. Caitlin's bubble pops in shock.]
Caitlin: "Jonesy? I can't believe it."
Jonesy: "Oh, believe it, baby."
Nikki: "Jonesy's a bacon bit!"
Jonesy: "That's a Retail Operations Enforcer to you." [to Caitlin] "How about a free lemon stinger for your hard-working man of the law?"
Nikki: "You can't get free stuff like that!"
Jonesy: "Uh-huh." [taking out his notepad and pen] "Could I have your full name, miss?"
[Jude and Jen are still playing the game. Jen skids her car to a halt.]
Jude: "Aw, dude, what'd you stop for?"
Jen: "There was a crosswalk."
Jude: "You're supposed to go through them!"
Game: "Mission failed! Mission failed!"
Jen: "Hey look, I tied my high score."
Jude: "Dude, that was pathetic!"
Jen: "Hey! I got four points!"
Jude: "The game's high score is 75,000. One-legged moms with strollers were passing you!"
Jen: "I was just trying to be safe."
Jude: "Safe? Would we have gone to Mars if all we tried to do was be safe? It's a proven fact that the reason drivers can't handle unsafe situations is because they don't practice driving in unsafe conditions at crazy speeds!"
Jen: "Good point."
Jude: "That's why they invented this game! To build a better unsafe driver and make the streets safer for you and me! This is your opportunity to get in touch with your inner driver! She's waiting to get out and to shift into overdrive! Embrace her!"
Jen: "Let's go."
[Jen starts the car and starts to actually play the game.]
[Wyatt is at work in the Country section. Serena walks over to him.]
Serena: "You know Toby, works over in the Children and Comedy section?"
Wyatt: "Yeah. Sure."
Serena: "I just fired him. Can you cover his section until we get someone new?"
Wyatt: "You mean run two sections?"
Serena: "Yeah. Just take a short lunch."
Wyatt: "But I was going to rehearse for my audition!"
Serena: "Oh, well I guess today's not your lucky day then, huh?"
Wyatt: [under his breath] "Would've been if I had my lucky jacket."
Cowboy: "You kin borrow mah lucky bull's tail!"
Wyatt: "No thanks."
[Jonesy and Ron are lunching on tacos and soda in the food court.]
Jonesy: "Got any new leads in the case of the missing shopping buggy?"
Ron: "No. I want you to see what the word is on the street."
Wyatt: [coming up to them] "Jonesy. You got the job. With...Ron."
Jonesy: "Looks like that's how it went down. Now if you don't mind, I'm busy keeping the peace."
Jonesy: "What's got you creased?"
Wyatt: [sighing] "My lucky jacket's gone."
Ron: "You think someone might have stolen it, son?"
Jonesy: "Trust me, no one would steal that jacket."
Wyatt: [to Ron] "I don't know."
Ron: [speaking into his walkie-talkie] "Hound Dog. Come in, Hound Dog."
Jonesy: [picking up] "Hound Dog here."
Ron: "Now, we have a possible 7-18 in progress."
Jonesy: "I copy that, Smokey."
[Jen is driving crazily, a toy pistol in one hand, the wheel in the other.]
Game: "You missed me, sucker!" [Jen fires a round.] "Aah! Oh!"
Jude: [chuckling] "Awesome! Okay, jump the fence and shoot the android robo-cop!"
Game: "May I see your license and registration!" [Jen fires.]
Jude: "Oh, you rocked him! Okay, now swerve around the nuclear way, and kill the skateboarding spider!"
Jen: [doing as commanded] "Die, bug!"
[Caitlin, Nikki and Wyatt are at the table. Wyatt looks rather morose.]
Wyatt: "It's no good. I'm gonna blow the audition tonight, I can feel it."
Caitlin: "No! You're gonna do great!"
Wyatt: "I have no time to rehearse now."
Nikki: "Well then why are you sitting here?"
Wyatt: "Because I've been looking for my lucky jacket! I have to find it!"
Caitlin: "Wyatt, you don't need that gross old thing. It makes you look like a–a rolling stone. And look!" [She picks up a magazine.] "The must-have jacket of the season is black leather!"
Wyatt: "Don't you see? Things are starting to go bad and they're only gonna get worse! I gotta bounce."
Nikki: "Going back to work?"
Wyatt: [getting up] "Yeah. I have to order some more Peanut Butter and Jimmy CDs for the kids section. Seeya."
[Wyatt leaves, and Jonesy passes the table. Caitlin smiles at him, then starts to talk to Nikki.]
Caitlin: "Do you see what's happening? Wyatt is making himself believe that he's going to fail the audition all because of that stupid ugly jacket!"
Nikki: "Yep, looks that way."
Caitlin: "I have to give it back. My whole plan is backfiring."
Nikki: "Gee, ya think?"
[Caitlin closes the Big Squeeze and goes off to look for Wyatt, jacket in hand.]
[Jonesy walks his beat. He comes upon Yummy Mummy and Stanley, Stanley riding in a toy car ride. Suddenly, he realizes something, and goes back to confront them.]
Jonesy: "Hold on, I've got something for you."
Stanley: [riding] "Wha-hoa!"
[Jonesy pulls out his pad and pen and writes Yummy Mummy a ticket.]
Jonesy: "He's doing ten in a forty zone."
Yummy Mummy: "But officer–"
Jonesy: "Save it for the judge, ma'am."
[The mall cops then go on a rampage. It starts when Jonesy boots two elderly people off of a bench for loitering–]
Jonesy: "Keep it moving."
[–only to sit there himself, and continues when he and Ron grab a punkish teen, toss him into the photo booth, and proceed to take photos of them taunting him. The duo then grab the pictures and giggle as the punk runs off.]
Ron: [giving chase] "Yo!"
[Jude and Jen are still playing. Now a small crowd of gamers has gathered around them.]
Jude: "Back up, dudes, she's about to hit seventy-five thou! Give the lady some room!" [Jen breaks the barrier.] "Seventy-five thousand two hundred!"
Game: "Complete annihilation of the Death Toll Highway achieved!"
[The gamers cheer.]
Jude: "You did it! Awesome!" [Jen stands up.] "You've got the gift, my friend."
[Jude and Jen hi-five. Suddenly, a whistle bleats at the front of the arcade. Everyone turns and sees a security guard.]
Jonesy: "Break it up in here, this is a fire hazard. That's right, everybody out."
[The crowd groans and begins to leave.]
Jude: "Whoa, that security dude looks totally like Jonesy."
Jen: "That security dude is Jonesy."
Jude: "No way."
Jonesy: [coming up to them] "Hi Jude, hi Jen." [He plops down in High Speed Manslaughter.]
Jen: "Tell me you aren't working with the enemy."
Jonesy: "Can't talk now, I'm on duty." [He plops some coins in.]
Jude: "Do the rent-a-cops have keys for stuff in the mall?"
Jude: "Even, like, say, keys for the display car in the atrium?"
Jonesy: [not paying attention] "Uh-huh."
Jude: "Could I see them for a sec?"
Jonesy: [not particularly caring] "Sure." [He tosses Jude his keyring.]
Jude: [to Jen] "You're ready. It's time for an in-car lesson." [He drops Jonesy's keys into her hand.]
[Caitlin walks through Spin This. She comes across Serena.]
Caitlin: "Yeah, I'm looking for Wyatt."
Serena: "He hasn't come back from his break."
Caitlin: "Really? I have his jacket."
Serena: "Oh, here, I'll give it to him." [She tries to take the jacket.]
Caitlin: "Oh, no, that's okay. Uh, I need to–go."
[She takes off. Serena rolls her eyes.]
Caitlin: [calling Nikki] "Nikki? It's me. Wyatt never came back from his break. I need your help."
[Jude and Jen walk past the fountain towards a sports car perched on a pedestal.]
Jude: "The V-Tag G6000."
Jen: "We can't drive this."
Jude: "Why not?"
Jen: "It's a brand-new car."
Jude: "I know. That's why you should drive it. It has nobody else's car karma on it. You start clean."
Jen: [looking at it] "This is a really expensive car."
Jude: "Expensive, yet free." [He unhooks the velvet rope.] "Your chariot awaits."
[Jen climbs the ramp to the car. Wyatt is sitting by the fountain, casting pennies into it.]
Wyatt: "I wish I could find my jacket. I wish I could find my jacket."
[Caitlin and Nikki meet on the escalators. Caitlin is going down, Nikki is going up.]
Caitlin: "He's not at Grind Me."
Nikki: "He's not in the food court."
Caitlin: "You take the upper level, I'll take the lower."
Caitlin: [rushing back up the platform] "What?"
Nikki: [rushing down towards her] "What?" [catching up] "Oh. I said okay."
Caitlin: "Oh. Okay."
[The two continue the search for Wyatt.]
[Jen and Jude are seated in the car.]
Jude: [inhaling deeply] "Oh yeah. Smell that. It's a new car. That's good stuff."
Jen: [sniffing] "Yeah. I guess."
Jude: [waxing poetic] "Real wood trim on leather dash! Digital console! And the rug!" [He gets down and feels it.] "So soft!"
Jen: "Jude, do you want me to leave you alone for a while?"
Jude: "Sorry. We've got some driving to do. Now, adjust your mirrors–" [Jen complies] "–adjust the seat–" [Jen does so] "–and crank up the tunage."
[Caitlin is on the phone with Nikki.]
Caitlin: "No sign of him." [She spots Wyatt.] "Wyatt!" [to Nikki] "Nikki, I found him, he's over at the fountain!" [window shopping] "Ooh, that's a cute coat."
Nikki: "Caitlin, this is not the time for shopping!"
Caitlin: [sighing] "I know." [hanging up] "Wyatt! Wyatt, there you are! Do not move, I have something for you!"
[Wyatt gets up. As he does, he accidentally rips the headphone jack out of his portable CD player, and the player falls into the fountain. Wyatt sighs.]
[In the car, Jude and Jen hi-five. Jen puts it into gear and stomps on the accelerator. The car flies backwards. Wyatt meanwhile bends over to retrieve his CD player, and the car flies through the space where his head was moments ago. He looks up just in time to be hit with a gigantic wave of water. The expensive car is now sitting in the middle of the fountain.]
Little Girl: "Wow."
[Jen stares through the windshield, shell-shocked. Jude heaves himself up.]
Jude: "That was reverse."
[Caitlin and Nikki rush up to Wyatt.]
Nikki and Caitlin: "Are you okay?"
Wyatt: "No, I'm not okay. My lucky jacket's gone, my Discman's toast, I'm soaking wet, and my audition's in twenty minutes!"
Caitlin: "You ducked just in time!"
Nikki: "That car just flew right over your head. You should be dead right now."
Caitlin: "You are so lucky. And you didn't even have your jacket!" [She holds it out. Wyatt gasps, takes it, and grins.] "Which I...just found!" [Wyatt hugs it.] "It's dry."
[Jonesy and Ron come up behind the three.]
Jonesy: "That was the coolest thing I have ever seen."
Ron: "That's it. You're fired."
Jonesy: [shocked] "Fired? What for?"
Ron: "There's a car in the fountain."
Jonesy: "So? What's that got to do with me?"
Jude: [approaching him] "Here's the keys back, dude. Sweet ride. Reverse is a little jumpy, though. You might want to look into that."
[Jonesy grins sheepishly.]
Ron: "I'll have your security belt back." [Jonesy hands it over.] "I'll have your hat back." [Jonesy takes it off.] "I'll have your uniform back."
Ron: "Now, soldier, now!"
[Jonesy removes his uniform.]
Jude: [chuckling] "Dude."
[Wyatt plays guitar and sings at the coffeehouse.]
Wyatt: "Lady luck, lady luck/I have to wonder where you are tonight/I guess I'm gonna wish upon a star/Lady luck/Oh won't you be my lady luck"
[Wyatt's song is greeted with cheers.]
Caitlin: "You sounded great, Wyatt."
Caitlin: "See? You don't need that ugly old jacket! You're great all on your own!"
Caitlin: [to Jen] "Gone back to reading your driver's manual?"
Jen: "Yeah. I realized there's no insurance break for taking lessons with Jude. In fact, it's kinda the opposite."
Nikki: [to a despondent Jonesy] "Hey, cheer up, Jonesy."
Jonesy: [eating chips] "I can't believe Ron made me take off my uniform right in the middle of the mall."
Wyatt: "No one even noticed."
Nikki: "Speak for yourself. That was even scarier than the car crashing into the fountain."
Jonesy: "C'mon, tell the truth. You were into me in that uniform."
Nikki: "Yes, Jonesy, I was so turned on I could barely contain myself. Pass the chips." [Jonesy tosses them at her face.]
Jonesy: "You wish you could be so lucky."
Jude: "Look out, dudes, coming through!" [He rides by on a motorized scooter.] "Check it out. You know that car they were raffling off?"
Nikki: "You mean the one you drowned?"
Jude: "Yeah, well, I entered the draw, and won second prize. A power scooter!"
Caitlin: "You're so lucky! I love those!"
Jude: "I know! I never win anything! You should see how it match–"
[Ron taps him on the shoulder.]
Ron: "No speeding in the mall, son. I'll take that." [He steals Jude's scooter.]
Jude: "Aw, man!"